Been Away

Just looked at the last time I posted and realize that its been a long time since I've written
Its been a busy summer
Mostly work -- but really just a busy life

First things first.
Tom is on a pump and a monitor
the monitor failed -- again
this is his, I don't know, the 4th one he has received?
and it has also failed
yeah, I get it, its new technology
but a new one won't be available until sometime late December
so he has finally, sort of become accustomed to it and now he is back to testing many times a day
he is not happy about it and doesn't do it

I think he considers the pump less of a benefit than he considered the monitor
he just hates the testing
can't say I blame him -- but the problems with the monitor are big also

From my perspective, the lack of the monitor has had multiple impacts on my life
good & bad

on the good side, the beeps and buzzes have stopped at all times in the middle of the night
on the bad side, his highs and lows have become more pronounced
of course, with Tom, the lows are so much more noticeable

it doesn't matter if its before dinner or the middle of the night
a severe low can be 30 with Tom
he talks nonsense, he yells at me, he refuses to eat, you know the routine

we got a new dog -- there are challenges with her
the rescue didn't tell us the truth -- as in she really wasn't spayed and she is much older than they said -- but Tom loves her and loves walking her a lot
as in, he walks her three times from the time he gets home from work until he goes to sleep

don't get me wrong, I think that's great
except that he is getting more exercise and not taking this into account when considering his glucose count

then guess what happens some time during the night? He goes low -- are we shocked?
not me

but he refuses to agree that there is a problem
its me, I make this up, I am just "picking" on him

here is my question, why would I do this?
can someone please tell me why I would create a story that he goes low in the middle of the night and yells at me?
what is it that I get out this?

I just don't get it?

So, now, I'll go away, again.
I will tell you that I'll try to keep up better
but who knows
life sometimes get in the way

and some days, Tom is not the total center of my universe
my work really does fulfill me and keep me occupied

that's a good thing -- for both of us

so for everyone out there
especially those of you married to diabetics
I wish you a good night's sleep
because that really helps all of us cope better every day

Another Wife

Today I received a response from yet another DW -- Welcome (I think!)
Here is what she said -- go to her post if you are reading this and give her support also!

You and DW have been a God send in a really trying time. You showed me that I am allowed to feel how I feel. I am that young newly wed that really didn't know what it would be like to live with diabetes. You have inspired me to write my own blog about living with a compliant diabetic. It is still hard and there are still issues. If you would like to check it out it is arpadilla.wordpress.com. The only difference is my husband knows about mine and has the link. The first time he read it he cried. He gets to see both the good and the bad that I go through with him. Thank You!

I am glad that we can help -- you know its really a shame that the "major" diabetes organizations refuse to recognize us and don't want to help us
believe me I have tried -- I have called, I have written, I have emailed, you name it
they don't want to hear about what a hard time we have had

If you are a mom and have a diabetic kid, everyone can feel sorry for you
Clearly its your job to take care of your kid
when its your husband its so much more complicated, right?

You are supposed to take care of him -- my gosh if someone is sick, you help, right?
but you are not supposed to be his mom either!

This is not the 1950's!

And I was raised in the 1960's, talk about a confusing time!


And to end this, I wish you (and all the other DW's) the best of luck
I hope he and you can always talk to each other
You will probably always go through good times and bad
but if you can share, then in the end you will be able to survive
Life is hard for everyone -- we just have different burdens
Ours is diabetic husbands (and sometimes other junk)
but we carry on

As always, I wish everyone a good night of sleep
because with plenty of rest, we can handle almost anything
after all we are women!!!

tom's wife

Ahh, the beach

I love being on vacation
the plane lands, we arrive at the hotel, and I am transported
there is nothing better

Oops!
We can't take a vacation from our health
Tom picked up a bug - has been sick (stomach) all day
He is good about it -- I was at the pool all day
he didn't even tell me until I got back to the room at 5
he wants to be left alone to sleep it off
don't blame him
but he is not good about keeping hydrated

So I'm doing my best not to worry
but you know, you can never really turn it off
I'll go downstairs in awhile and have a small dinner
that doesn't bother me at all
I will pick up some saltines, some almonds, some soda
we already have water in the room
just so if he can, he can have something if/when he is able to

Its always something, yes?

Girls and Books and Dads

Being with the girls is great therapy
they understand

then again, books are such a terrific escape
I went to the bookstore to stock up
in preparation for the vacation

Found lots to read!
sometimes I can't find anything
other times I find a lot
today was a good day

had a big family brunch for father's day
Dad gave me an especially special hug
that was very meaningful
especially with everyone there
I really didn't have much time to talk with him
Suddenly now I'm feeling a little bad
that I haven't had time to spend just with him
but clearly he knows
I am very lucky to have such a great family
even if they overwhelm me at times

hoping for a good night of sleep
tom's wife

Priorities

You know how it is when you just have to make decisions to let things go?
I am one of those people who likes to have everything in its place
I don't go crazy about it
little bits of disorder is ok for periods of time
but then the family room just has to be cleaned up
or the stack of magazine just has to be sorted through and old ones thrown away

Yes, I hang up my clothes every night
my closet (which is large) is neat and organized
No, I don't have children and there is a reason for that

But even without children when you share a home with someone else
you have to compromise on some things
and one person's stuff could by another person's mess

Tom hates to throw anything away
I have no such problem
more often I'm sorry that I no longer have something that I threw away

We have a room that we set up as my office when we moved into this house
Tom's office is in another room
I got the silly notion that this meant that what was mine was mine and what was his was his
What was that about?

I never go into his office -- it is piled high with stuff (remember he doesn't throw things away)
No, he got to the point where he doesn't like using his office any more so he uses mine
now mine is starting to look like a mess also

It is so exhausting trying to keep it neat or trying not to be annoyed or arguing about it
I try not to get upset
but its really hard

The crazy thing is that on some things, Tom is very organized and when I have had enough and force the issue he works with me to clean it up and put everything away where it belongs

but why do I have to be the bad guy and demand it?
why can't he just do it?
I know, that's a stupid question

the thing that has me all riled up is that I went looking for something today
and of course I can't find it
on top of that, when I was moving his junk, a stack of papers fall on the floor
making a bigger mess
then a box of stuff fell on my foot -- OUCH

so I gave up
tomorrow I'll ask him if he can find what I was looking for
he will probably find it in two seconds
and he won't complain at all
because he is a nice guy like that
I'm the mean one

I really need this vacation
I made an appointment for a massage on my first day there

can't wait -- maybe I won't have to talk to almost anyone for a few days
see, I'm not so nice -- but that feels real appealing right now

happy weekend.
tom's wife

Being Tired and Moving Forward

DW is tired -- he doesn't do what he is supposed to and she has to deal with the consequences

Welcome to the life of a diabetic's wife -- I know there are exceptions to the rule
that's why they are "rules" -- right?

but certainly that explains my life

Tom has had a "cold" for the past two weeks
He has been so sick that he missed days of work -- he never does that
he even slept in the second bedroom -- he never does that either

Finally I nagged enough and he went to the doctor today
She diagnosed him with bronchitis and he believed her
Now he is on medicine - several of them
Now he is convinced that he is sick

Now I am sick
Why won't he listen to me?
what am I -- just a nag? clearly that's my purpose in his life....

In the meantime, I'm getting by
My quest for the next phase of my life goes on
Still questing, still pondering
one of these days I'll figure something out

in the meantime, next week I am taking a vacation
going to Key West for 5 days
can't wait

but still have a week to go

good night
good rest......

tom's wife

Age

I'm now 54 years old and I've been struggling for 4 years with being in my 50s
i didn't know why
today I had an epiphany
I am really struggling to figure out what's ahead
every time I try to talk about the future with Tom
he defines it in terms of money
what will it cost us to do this or that
I'm feeling scared of having the life of my parents or my parents in law
the wife taking care of the sick husband
really having no life at all
its really depressing
I'm wondering what I have to look forward to
in my brain I understand that this is not reasonable
I have control over my life
I can choose what I want my life to be

but emotionally, I just don't see anything good ahead
I see work ahead for the next 15 years
and then nothing but work of a different kind
and boredom

and then again, what do I want?
honestly, I can't even answer that question

I'm sort of jealous of DW who has discovered her art
I don't have a clue

poor pitiful me -- what a sad sack
I should be ashamed of myself because I have so much
but I have spent so much of my life focused on work
I don't know how to figure out what's next
and next feels crappy

that's it for tonight
I hope you are having a better night

tom's wife