BAD Day!

Was today a bad day for everyone? Or was it just the people around me?
It feels like such an ugly day, where do I start?
Starting with DW's comment:

He is looking at life saving surgery and keeping him from having a heart attack between now and then is the number 1 focus for both of us.

Then, from someone else:

He is unable to work and I have to support not only him but also a mother who is gobbling up huge sums of family assets in an assisted living facility. ...... He is overweight and does not excercise due to the pain in his stomach. He is very irretable and yells and screams....We live in a condo that I never wanted and hate with new rules that are making my life miserable. I regret ever selling our single family house. This place is way too small to live in with someone who is chronically ill. I have no place to escape. We also brought along our 15 year old large dog who is way too old and too big to be living with us here...... We can only due to new condo rules,we can now keep only one car here so that the logistics of getting the other car make it easier for me to stay home at night..... He is so clingy that he is smothering me. he is talking about not living until 2011 because of the illness and keeps saying he will die of a heart attack. He is afraid to be left home alone. We own the business so that he sits there with me all day but rarely does any work. he sleeps off and on during the day and is up every 3 hours on a good night.

I wish I were wiser -- I wish I could provide some words to help
But, after an absolutely horrible day at work, I got home at 7:30
and found my diabetic husband snow blowing the ice that has built up at the end of our driveway from the recent snow that never went away! He had come home from work, went to the store, went to the cleaners, and now was blowing snow. Did he eat? No! What was his glucose? Who knows? Not him. Not me -- Oh, wait, I took one look at his face and I knew -- no, not the exact number -- that's impossible -- but I KNEW!!!!

So we go through the routine, PLEASE drink some orange juice, PLEASE test yourself, PLEASE tell me what your monitor says, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.....

I am so sick of it.

So now he is eating, and he is mad at me because he says his glucose is TOO HIGH! and he is not hungry for food. Why is this my fault? He is the one who let it get so low? When we spoke at 5:30, and at 5:45 and at 6:00 and at 6:15 (yes he called me all those times) I asked (begged) him to eat something. But NO!!!!! He wants to wait for me! Please tell me, does this make sense to you? Because it does not make a bit of sense to me.

I KNOW in my heart it is not just men, but I wnt to be angry and I want blame and so I want to have a label to put on who I blame -- so all of you men out there -- especially those of you with diabetes -- I am very angry at you!

You know that didn't help at all

Maybe if I try it this way: I HATE YOU!!

No, that didn't work either.

I am just really angry and blame doesn't work either
So then I get tired and sad and defeated

This is my life -- I write this because I know of no other way to get these feelings out of my system

I'm not sure it helps but I have to try
when some of you write and tell me you feel the same it actually helps

Not that everyone is as angry as I am
but its there

Like my friends above, sometimes the men are mean and then sometimes they are scared and hurting and all we want to do is help them -- after all what are we going to do without them?

If they were horrible people, we wouldn't have fallen in love with them in the first place, would we? what would that say about us?

If I didn't say it earlier, I just feel exhausted -- Tom just turned the Olympics on and that is worse!! all this energy to compete in activities that make no sense to me at all. What difference does it make if one person is faster skiing down a mountain than another? really! Or someone tries one stupid jump or another? We are so mired in real life and death issues -- how can these people make so light of it? I don't understand it. Is competition a male trait? Or is it a human trait?

On the other hand, I really enjoy watching the ice skating -- I just wish it wasn't about competition! what's wrong with me?

I want everyone to win!

OK, I am going to stop because I have rambled on too long.

Its almost 9 pm and I am going to bed
no dinner tonight -- I just can't even think of eating
it turns my tummy tonight

I am going to leave you with this last thought

I often wonder if some people actually enjoy every day of life
I enjoy some part of many days, but I can't honestly say that I enjoy all of every day

Maybe that is more of a comment on me than it is one something else
but it is my life

Best wishes for every spouse of every diabetic out there
Best wishes for every diabetic

This is one of the most difficult diseases
We know too much
we think we can control it
But the truth is
the body is way more complex than anything a human being can manage
we pretend to be in charge
but in fact
it is an illusion
it is a perception that we can really know
we don't
we can only do our best.....

but some days, our best has to be enough

peaceful sleep..........