Peace and Thanks

I've been away from this space for a few weeks
Work has been crazy busy and just plain crazy
Sometimes its just too much
But that's a place I allow it to be

I understand that I am a caretaker
for my husband, for my family and friends, and for my work
so when something isn't right, I try to fix it
even the "un-fixable"
even when its "not my job"
I try to dream "the impossible dream"
and them I get really tired
or really cranky or really angry

why don't people do what's obviously the right thing to do?
but really, all along its me

The same is really true with Tom
its really not my job to fix him
at the moment he seems to be managing his diabetes well
I call it being at peace with the disease
I haven't noticed any major swings

his moods seem to be stable, no obvious serious lows
(his highs are less obvious)
and we are getting along very well

My heart is breaking for Wife of A Diabetic
She is continuing to go through so much
for anyone who has not gone through this particular event
its hard to imagine

just like its hard to imagine what it must be like to live through a tornado or earthquake until you have done it

many of us probably have terrible sympathy for the people living in Haiti or the middle East where they live through day after day of never ending trials and tribulations that we can't imagine

Living with a diabetic going through a bad time is sort of like that

there is no end in sight
He (or she) just can't seem to get back in rhythm
you are the one who simply must take control
otherwise -- he dies!
It really does come down to that!

So you watch and you wait and you don't sleep
and you count and you write and you measure
and you feed and you argue and on and on and on

and you share with others
and that helps a little
but then you feel bad for "complaining"
because geez, in the end its not really helping
and they didn't sign up for this either

the cycle is endless

And you just want peace and quiet

Thank you Tom for giving me peace right now
I appreciate it more than you know

I recognize that it won't always be this way
but I'm grateful for today
and just want to say thank you

(No, he is not reading this. but putting it here helps me prepare to say it to him when I see him later)

Also a quick thank you to those who have sent me notes recently
Yes, I'm here and doing well.

Take care and sleep well tonight

Tom's wife

do not read wikipedia!

here is something I know about Wikipedia
my 18-year old nephew thought it was very funny to go on Wikipedia
and change the information on one of the entries

it was a couple of years ago and I can't remember the details
but we were at a family dinner and my sister was bragging about the "funny" exploits of her "smart" son

but it wasn't funny
people rely on the information on that site
Its not right

DW, maybe you have never had to deal with the lows before
it really is exhausting
I remember the nights of watching and waiting for Tom to stop breathing
for him to not keep going lower
oh, wait, I still have those nights!

Tom keeps his glucose so close to the line that he still has those times
he does it on purpose though!

it sounds like your hubby hasn't figured out how to get his humulog in control
that happens - Tom has gone through times where he just can't things in line
but its his choice to try to keep it close to the line
he thinks he is in control
he thinks he can keep adding insulin and adding sugar back and forth until it balances out
he thinks he is in control
but I'm the one who has to fix things when he messes up
I'm the one who has to call the paramedics when I can't fix it for him
I'm the one who has to deal

and yes IT IS SO EXHAUSTING!
at this moment in time, Tom is in control
but I know it is just a matter of time till that changes again
I have no concept of how many nights of sleep I lost for this

DW - hang in there - you will get through this
don't over think it
don't over research it
he will figure it out
he has to
its his life
and he doesn't want to lose it
really

he depends on you because he can!

toms wife

Nutritionist? Really?

So, on DW's post today she described a visit to the Nutritionist. What type of diabetic's nutritionist suggests loading up on carbs? That's crazy! he is taking lots of humalog and he is very low and all she can say is carb-load!

what a load of @#*%!!

Was this person trained in the 1950's!

That is so wrong!

Why is it that we, as the partner, have to be the voice of reason?

Why can't hubby figure it out for himself?

Where is the logic, where is the reason?

Why is she charting and graphing?

I haven't done that - until now I have said I wouldn't

but who knows what I'll do in the future?

life doesn't always give us obvious choices

I can be compassionate about the exhaustion relative to the caregiver
I've been there
sometimes once the lows start its really hard to get back into the right place

With Tom he would start hitting these lows then he would
see saw back and forth and it would take weeks until he could get it back into control

its really lousy

good luck!

tom's wife

Coasting

Tom's in a good place with his diabetes right now which allows me to not focus on it
the good news is that I can go days with barely a thought on the topic
the bad news is that I know in my heart that when he "crashes" it will be a biggie

But all I can do is set that aside and deal with it when it comes
nothing in the world I can do in the meantime

like so many others I read the trials and tribulations of DW and
"live" with her
knowing someday I will be her

I have had days like hers in the past
and I will have days like hers in the future

I can't tell if she has had days of repeated lows before
because her hubby seems to have run high most of the time she reported in the past

now she reports on these lows
and WoW! do I know about the lows

how many nights I said to myself
if you are going to do that to yourself
well maybe I will just let you go into a coma and die
I just can't save your life one more time
Is that really my purpose in life?
Do I really want to do that just so I can do that again tomorrow?

And then he wakes up the next day with no memory of the event
doesn't appreciate my night of no sleep
and gets angry when I call the paramedics for help
because its just too hard for me

maybe not "hard" on a physical level -- maybe I could really force some juice into him
but on an emotional level -- I just can't do this alone for one more minute!

people who haven't been through it just don't get it
its not that you really want him to die
its just that who am I to have so much power over life and death?
why me? why now?
why, when I am so tired, and so overwhelmed, and so angry. and so everything?
it is too much.

of course I love him and can't imagine life without him
but that was before THIS
that was the HIM before this stuff started
that was the HIM who participated in our life together
not the him where I have to take care of just saving his life

It is exhausting, it is unfair, and it is often just too much for one person
and it is not something that really can be shared

we can "talk" about it
we can let others know about it
but at the end of the day when we close our eyes to try to get a few hours of sleep at night
when we look in the mirror
we know
that its just me and my husband
no one else is there
no one else understands
no one else is there to read the signs
no one else can do for him what I do
he won't let them
he has a hard enough time letting me do it
and why do I continue to do it?

Some days I just don't know
Probably because I don't know how NOT to do it

Best

Toms Wife