Coasting

Tom's in a good place with his diabetes right now which allows me to not focus on it
the good news is that I can go days with barely a thought on the topic
the bad news is that I know in my heart that when he "crashes" it will be a biggie

But all I can do is set that aside and deal with it when it comes
nothing in the world I can do in the meantime

like so many others I read the trials and tribulations of DW and
"live" with her
knowing someday I will be her

I have had days like hers in the past
and I will have days like hers in the future

I can't tell if she has had days of repeated lows before
because her hubby seems to have run high most of the time she reported in the past

now she reports on these lows
and WoW! do I know about the lows

how many nights I said to myself
if you are going to do that to yourself
well maybe I will just let you go into a coma and die
I just can't save your life one more time
Is that really my purpose in life?
Do I really want to do that just so I can do that again tomorrow?

And then he wakes up the next day with no memory of the event
doesn't appreciate my night of no sleep
and gets angry when I call the paramedics for help
because its just too hard for me

maybe not "hard" on a physical level -- maybe I could really force some juice into him
but on an emotional level -- I just can't do this alone for one more minute!

people who haven't been through it just don't get it
its not that you really want him to die
its just that who am I to have so much power over life and death?
why me? why now?
why, when I am so tired, and so overwhelmed, and so angry. and so everything?
it is too much.

of course I love him and can't imagine life without him
but that was before THIS
that was the HIM before this stuff started
that was the HIM who participated in our life together
not the him where I have to take care of just saving his life

It is exhausting, it is unfair, and it is often just too much for one person
and it is not something that really can be shared

we can "talk" about it
we can let others know about it
but at the end of the day when we close our eyes to try to get a few hours of sleep at night
when we look in the mirror
we know
that its just me and my husband
no one else is there
no one else understands
no one else is there to read the signs
no one else can do for him what I do
he won't let them
he has a hard enough time letting me do it
and why do I continue to do it?

Some days I just don't know
Probably because I don't know how NOT to do it

Best

Toms Wife