Help for Others

I haven't been posting much because life gets SO BUSY!
a few weeks ago, my 104-year old grandmother died
she lived a fabulous live and my huge  family celebrated her life together
but it was a week of cooking and driving to the airport and FAMILY!!!

then I went to Vegas for a week of a major business conference
again, sounds fun but it was WORK
and long

then I got home and slept for four days straight!
my body was telling me that it was too much!
I just couldn't get out of bed
so I slept
must have needed it!

Now I'm finally doing well
and trying to catch up with everything
reading my d-friends' blogs, I am sad

Diabetes Wife -- I am glad that you are finally getting the house of your dreams near your mom and sister, but sad that it had to come at the distress of your husband.  Yes, he needed the wake-up call. but its so sad that he is so very depressed. 

Actually, when I saw my own psych doc last week, we spoke about the lack of care for the psychology of the diabetic.  He admitted that he didn't know much about it and was going to research it before my next visit.

and yet, we had an interesting family conversation recently.  Two family members are in the medical profession -- a dentist and a gastroenterologist.    Tom wasn't there but we talked about taking care of the diabetic -- beyond just the literal medical issues such as A1C and glucose numbers.  The dentist has been doing a lot of research regarding diabetes lately -- it seems that dentists are starting to pay attention to diabetes and what they see in the mouth even before docs see stuff in other parts of the body.  The gastro was saying that medicine today is so difficult that its harder for docs to look at the "whole" body and the whole family.  he agrees that its a problem and its a major reason that he is getting ready to retire next year!

it was an interesting conversation and actually somewhat encouraging to me.

Michael -- I'm sorry that you are sad - or depressed -- or encouraged.  Your blog refers to all three.  You are doing great and there is no value in feeling sorry for whatever happened in the past.  Its past.  you can't change it.  all you can do is move forward. Clearly you are doing everything you can do to improve things today -- that's the best anyone can do in their life -- whether they have diabetes or any other issue in their life.

Lilly, and the other bloggers, I encourage you with whatever strength I can share.  Some days I don't have a bit -- other days I seem to have lots to give.  I believe in each of you.  All each of us can do is put one foot in front of the other and attempt to do our best.

Do your best not to be victimized -- by the person or by the disease.  Help him and help yourself.

I also encourage you (as always) to get as much sleep as possible.  it really helps deal with all the other stuff!

Good luck.

Tom's Wife

More Lows

DW is tired of dealing with all of "it" and so am I
but she deals with the highs and the depression
and I deal with the lows and the continual denial

I know I should do a better job of documenting things
but that is just not me
it feels to me like its a daily thing lately

low in the evening
after I get some sugar into him, we look at the monitor
and it registers at 55 and going lower

he sees that as a good thing
I see it as a problem

its not that I'm a glass half empty sort of person
but that he just refuses to accept the fact that he goes so low so often

I have asked for a print out of the last 30 days
he agrees but hasn't done it

the lows are awful
I am not letting him drive in the evenings (to the best of my ability)
but this just can't be good for him

he is just so stubborn
we have been up in the middle of the night several times lately also
TIRED!

it just is so exhausting!

Suicide by Diabetes

Why does it have to be so difficult?

Don't we all say the same thing?
My heart breaks when I read the other blogs about the husbands who have such high counts on all the benchmarks -- these men are surely killing themselves by letting the disease just overtake their bodies

on the other hand, my Tom is just as surely killing himself the other way
almost every evening between 5:30 and 7:00 pm
his glucose reading drops very low
usually to around 55?
in general I have learned not to let him leave the house and get in the car
(unless he proves that he has enough sugar in him)
but this just cannot be good for him
every single day, he is out of it and crazy
I no longer insist on pushing the juice
I just rush dinner and let his sugar increase more slowly

I know that's what he prefers
but truthfully its hell on me
and I am not convinced that its so good for him
but what can I do?

this now takes up my entire evenings
by the time we get through this process
I'm done
I'm exhausted
and don't want to be in the same room with him

I have asked that he discuss it with his doctor
and, nothing
please
this is not right

if he is so scared of being like your husbands, why isn't he more scare of being like this
I recently bought a video camera
I should film him
if I could just remember and not focus on helping him
just film him in his stupid state!

sigh

some day.....

Follow the bouncing lows

Tom turns 60 in a couple of months
Every time he has hit a 10-year milestone, his sugar starts going crazy
is it him or something else?  who knows.....

All I do know is that he is having daily lows
and, yes, I mean low -- too low

Fortunately he is home when it happens
but it will be spring/summer soon
and then he will be out in the evenings and then he won't be home
he will be driving
it scares me

a new phenomenon has started now
he will go and run on the treadmill for 30 minutes
and when he is done, his sugar plummets
of course, he doesn't feel it or know it
it is up to me to gently encourage him to eat/drink immediately

the good news:  he has agreed to try a new doctor
and to let me join him so that I can learn how to deal with this changes along with him

As much as we both want this to be his disease and not my responsibility
if I am the one to deal with the impacts, then I need to learn more
I don't need to know every detail -- but I do need to know how to deal with the outcomes

that's my deal for today
following bouncing lows.....

Trying to Enjoy Each Day

A new writer-- jaywalkerj -- added
... after yet another evening of telling me just how much stuff is my fault I find myself looking on the Internet and came across your posts. Good to know I'm not alone as I'm feeling pretty much responsible for every problem in this house right now on Trying to Enjoy Each Day

Sometimes it can be SO difficult
the diabetic just can't see how much blame s/he is throwing off

While Tom is doing well - our days are not consistent
some are ok -- others are not
he turns 60 at the beginning of May
and suddenly his glucose is dropping a lot when he exercises
he has denied it for weeks
but suddenly he agrees that it is happening

is he doing something about it?
I don't know
he doesn't share unless I ask the exact correct question

oh well
we get by somehow someway
good luck jaywalkerj
write again
you have a tough road ahead
but there are good days also!

hope you get a good night's sleep

Trying to Enjoy Each Day

Just caught up on the last couple of days of postings

Lilly! glad to see you are ok -- I'm sorry you are feeling down.  Sometimes life just keeps beating down on you and its winter and the days are short and there is no let up on the stress!  I wish I knew the key to better days -- I don't but truly hope you find some.  If nothing else, its good to know that April is only 6 weeks away!

I have also noticed quite a few other followers have not written in quite awhile.  Hopefully their lives are busy with good happenings - not sad . 

For me, I am making the effort to enjoy each day.  I'm so lucky right now that the challenges I face - whether they are with work, or Tom, or anywhere else in my life -- are truly small compared to other people. 

Tom has always been an aggressive driver, it has nothing to do with his diabetes -- and I have frequently been scared when he drives.  The diabetes makes it worse because when his glucose gets low, it takes me too long to recognize that its not just normal poor driving that is causing the problem.  99% of the time he is truly fine.  But who wants to risk the 1% 
On the other hand, I don't love driving that much -- and he drives over 100 miles a day round trip to work each day.  So if he doesn't drive -- what happens with his job?  Right now we are talking almost every day about his driving.  He says he is much more conscious of his bad habits and is doing better.  He is definitely better when I'm in the car. 

But again, I got off track.
I just spent the last three days with my sister -- helping her clean and organize her basement. it contained years of boxes of her stuff, her kids stuff, and stuff inherited from parents and grandparents who had passed away.

we are not done, but when we started, it was overwhelming -- there was just a narrow pathway to walk between the towering boxes.  Now you can see a great deal of the floor, there are marked boxes where items are grouped into logical order (books over here, pictures over here, games over there) and a large section set up for the world's greatest yard sale.  Honestly, I may pick up an item or two.

When she was thanking me for helping, she acknowledged that she couldn't imagine "giving up" this many days out of her life for me.  Well, honestly I enjoy the project but I also treasure spending time with her.  there is nothing more important to me right now than spending time with people I love

I try to spend some time each week with my parents (in their 80s) and with other family members because one just never knows what tomorrow will bring  I know that right now I have the time to do this  and so I do.

And, here is my response to a couple of comments I received but did not publish
- I work really hard to look at all sides of a situation and not to judge others for their opinions
until you walk in someone else's shoes it is impossible to understand their perspective -- its something my grandfather used to say -- I'm not always good at practicing that concept but I do work at it

- And, there are not many more skeptical of the medical industry than I am.  On the other hand, I recognize that Tom needs medical care -- he can't live without it.  So, if doctors try to sugar-coat the message or minimize the impact of a certain treatment, well, that's crappy.  And, yes, Tom and I need to be on top of our own research to understand it.  But this is not unique to diabetes care.  It is our entire medical program and there is lots of blame to go around.  I detest it but see no option for the foreseeable future.  Without his doctors, Tom has no future.  With them, he has a chance.....

So that's my "rant" tonight
thank you if you read this far
I hope you can find something you can do for yourself tonight
I'm going to enjoy my family now

Good night

RESPONSE TO DONNA + DW

Donna 
here is my rambling response

you wrote to DW very moving testimonial that you have a great relationship with your husband who is Type 1

reading your comment and that of DW, I see both positions

feeling good about the relationship -- feeling good about the conversations -- feeling good about him!

and then the next minute - feeling awful - worrying about him -- feeling crushed by the weight of the responsibilities!

And, wow!  you have so many children!  and they have Diabetes also!
I am in awe! 
You are a strong woman and deserve many kudos!
However we know every day is not wonderful
some days are awful

when there are more awful days than great days, it gets tough
we all have ebbs and flows in our life

we can go many years dealing with the tough issues
and then it can just get to be too much
It took many years before Tom's endurance broke
and then mine also

diabetes - for a compliant patient -- is very difficult
for a non-compliant patient its impossible

my final word:  be grateful for every moment that he is in good health
when he is 60 years old and doesn't have the control he does today
You are a strong woman and that's fabulous
you will need every bit of it
good luck