Meanwhile... I'm falling apart

Last week, my dad asked his doctor to figure out how to let him die fast
I sat in the room while he talked about not having hope
the pain in his eyes and in my mother's eyes was awful to see

The next day they changed his medications and he is back to his usual optimistic self
certainly not healed - but no longer asking to die

I have been crying buckets at night -- and Tom has been great
But not perfect
he has been having lots of lows
I can't tell you how often -- because I am just too distraught to keep track

I have a large family and we are all trying to deal as best we can
I want to uncharacteristically pull closer
and getting rebuffed
well, not really, but when people don't do what I want them to do
I am feeling like they don't love me
I know that is ridiculous
but its part of my struggle right now
trying to find my place in a world without my dad at its center

as I write that, I realize that at 56 years old, maybe my dad shouldn't be the center of my world
but I have realized that this is how I was raised
My mom put my dad on a pedestal and all of us have honored him all of our lives
I have always felt a special relationship with him
felt like he supported me in a way no one else in the world did
Tom says he thinks that is a valid feeling
that he observed a special relationship with my dad
that we spoke about stuff he didn't discuss with anyone else
not better -- just different -- and very special to me

and even though he is still alive, he is already gone in so many ways
I recognize this may be part of the grief process -- but its miserable
and I don't like feeling as if I'm not whole
like I'm trying to get others to fill a gap that just can't be filled

sigh,
ok,
this was helpful --
tomorrow is another day
we don't know what Thanksgiving will be like
or even whose house it will be in....

we just have to let things play out.....