DW wrote:
....Love the idea of meeting with other spouses.....but here's the problem with that. I have to remain anonymous myself in order to keep the "peace" here. If he thought for one second that I blogged....or that I was meeting another wife....I would have to leave for sure. Sad, huh? I'm going to guess there are several of us in the same position. We are not allowed to talk about this disease, not allowed to mention it, can't discuss it with our families and friends unless we do it in utter secrecy...
I find this incredibly sad and yet very understandable. There is so much about "being married to this disease" that is so hard to handle. The secrecy is about the worst. In the early years of my marriage, when we were young I gave in to it. Keeping the secrets from his mom, his brother, his friends.... I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about the lows, about what was going on. It was "embarrassing" It was a mistake It was Tom's limitation and I was his partner, a keeper of the secret.
To a certain degree he was right. He was responsible for the mistakes, but he couldn't be perfect and back then he tried much harder and was much better at it. And, true, his mother is a hysterical person who over reacts to everything so if you did tell her she would cry and hyperventilate and just overdo it completely -- even if you told her 6 months after the fact.
But now after 25 years I have learned so much. I don't rush to tell people about what's going on, but I don't try to hide it anymore either. If he goes low in front of others, and they see it. oh well, they see it. not my problem, he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. Just like you would do if it were your kid. I have learned to be a big believer in consequences. I have to deal with the consequences of my actions and he has to deal with his.
Of course, I'm still anonymous here. Because like DW, if Tom realized I was doing this he would be furious. I know I can use his name, because there must be many, many people named "Tom" out there. But he doesn't know to look. So I'm good.
And, if not. Well, I will deal with the consequences. Potentially it could be difficult. But what about this life isn't?
Tom's Wife
Sunday, November 15, 2009
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