its a grumpy night

I'm not much in a mood to feel sorry for myself tonight.

On one hand, I am feeling grateful for what I have -- tom is not in crisis as are some other husbands.

Yet it is not necessarily the life of every wife to be awake multiple times a night to make sure your husband is breathing, to wake him up because his monitor is beeping, etc, etc, etc...

Then again, I don't have a husband who smokes cigarettes - I would hate that
or, one who has cancer
and I've never been divorced

There are many "bad" experiences I have never been through
I may be able to feel sorry for people who have been through those things but haven't experienced them so it is difficult to know exactly what they feel

It is my strong belief that if/when Tom dies, which we both assume will happen before me, I will never want another permanent man in my life again

I think its too much trouble
I think men are just too demanding

but I have really never had to make that decision
it must be really hard

My dad has had cancer during the last 2 years and my mom is just realizing that she is no longer sleeping through the night because of his health -- all of a sudden she has a new appreciation of what is like to live with someone with a chronic illness

she told me this weekend that she never knew...

its nice, but it doesn't change anything
she has always been supportive
its still hard

maybe I'm just grumpy tonight

maybe I just think men are crap tonight