Wednesday, February 24, 2010

BAD Day!

Was today a bad day for everyone? Or was it just the people around me?
It feels like such an ugly day, where do I start?
Starting with DW's comment:

He is looking at life saving surgery and keeping him from having a heart attack between now and then is the number 1 focus for both of us.

Then, from someone else:

He is unable to work and I have to support not only him but also a mother who is gobbling up huge sums of family assets in an assisted living facility. ...... He is overweight and does not excercise due to the pain in his stomach. He is very irretable and yells and screams....We live in a condo that I never wanted and hate with new rules that are making my life miserable. I regret ever selling our single family house. This place is way too small to live in with someone who is chronically ill. I have no place to escape. We also brought along our 15 year old large dog who is way too old and too big to be living with us here...... We can only due to new condo rules,we can now keep only one car here so that the logistics of getting the other car make it easier for me to stay home at night..... He is so clingy that he is smothering me. he is talking about not living until 2011 because of the illness and keeps saying he will die of a heart attack. He is afraid to be left home alone. We own the business so that he sits there with me all day but rarely does any work. he sleeps off and on during the day and is up every 3 hours on a good night.

I wish I were wiser -- I wish I could provide some words to help
But, after an absolutely horrible day at work, I got home at 7:30
and found my diabetic husband snow blowing the ice that has built up at the end of our driveway from the recent snow that never went away! He had come home from work, went to the store, went to the cleaners, and now was blowing snow. Did he eat? No! What was his glucose? Who knows? Not him. Not me -- Oh, wait, I took one look at his face and I knew -- no, not the exact number -- that's impossible -- but I KNEW!!!!

So we go through the routine, PLEASE drink some orange juice, PLEASE test yourself, PLEASE tell me what your monitor says, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.....

I am so sick of it.

So now he is eating, and he is mad at me because he says his glucose is TOO HIGH! and he is not hungry for food. Why is this my fault? He is the one who let it get so low? When we spoke at 5:30, and at 5:45 and at 6:00 and at 6:15 (yes he called me all those times) I asked (begged) him to eat something. But NO!!!!! He wants to wait for me! Please tell me, does this make sense to you? Because it does not make a bit of sense to me.

I KNOW in my heart it is not just men, but I wnt to be angry and I want blame and so I want to have a label to put on who I blame -- so all of you men out there -- especially those of you with diabetes -- I am very angry at you!

You know that didn't help at all

Maybe if I try it this way: I HATE YOU!!

No, that didn't work either.

I am just really angry and blame doesn't work either
So then I get tired and sad and defeated

This is my life -- I write this because I know of no other way to get these feelings out of my system

I'm not sure it helps but I have to try
when some of you write and tell me you feel the same it actually helps

Not that everyone is as angry as I am
but its there

Like my friends above, sometimes the men are mean and then sometimes they are scared and hurting and all we want to do is help them -- after all what are we going to do without them?

If they were horrible people, we wouldn't have fallen in love with them in the first place, would we? what would that say about us?

If I didn't say it earlier, I just feel exhausted -- Tom just turned the Olympics on and that is worse!! all this energy to compete in activities that make no sense to me at all. What difference does it make if one person is faster skiing down a mountain than another? really! Or someone tries one stupid jump or another? We are so mired in real life and death issues -- how can these people make so light of it? I don't understand it. Is competition a male trait? Or is it a human trait?

On the other hand, I really enjoy watching the ice skating -- I just wish it wasn't about competition! what's wrong with me?

I want everyone to win!

OK, I am going to stop because I have rambled on too long.

Its almost 9 pm and I am going to bed
no dinner tonight -- I just can't even think of eating
it turns my tummy tonight

I am going to leave you with this last thought

I often wonder if some people actually enjoy every day of life
I enjoy some part of many days, but I can't honestly say that I enjoy all of every day

Maybe that is more of a comment on me than it is one something else
but it is my life

Best wishes for every spouse of every diabetic out there
Best wishes for every diabetic

This is one of the most difficult diseases
We know too much
we think we can control it
But the truth is
the body is way more complex than anything a human being can manage
we pretend to be in charge
but in fact
it is an illusion
it is a perception that we can really know
we don't
we can only do our best.....

but some days, our best has to be enough

peaceful sleep..........

Monday, February 22, 2010

Hope for DW

DW - I feel your anger
I hate the medical "industry"

All of us get caught in the web of being told "here is how to do things"
and we believe them
in the case of your husband, he believed the A1c tests
we all do to some extent

Maybe its because we need to believe in something
there is so little we, as the spouse, can do -- we allow ourselves to be pacified
well, at least the A1c is ok
Its not what I experience, but if the doctors say its good, well then maybe its ok

If we don't do that, maybe we will always be in a state of frantic worry

Your words of advice are valuable to me
But does anyone really think I can get Tom to test his glucose 8 times a day, much less at night?

Yeah, he has a monitor that is supposed to test it constantly
but first of all, that assumes it works properly all the time -- NOT!
secondly, someone has to look at the individual results, not just the average
Guess what, that doesn't happen either

I have tried to preach what you are saying for years,
that the average is not good enough, the highs and lows are the problem
this is just a common sense idea to me -- do we really have to prove it?

Too bad for me, I'm wrong, how can I -- just his wife -- argue with the doctors!

So, those of us in the trenches with no medical background understand common sense
but until some male scientist proves it, well we are just talking to the wind

at least that's my bitter attitude speaking.

Good Luck, DW
I'm right there beside you.

Tom's Wife

Sunday, February 21, 2010

February Snow!

One would think that with all the snow we have had in the DC area, I would have had plenty of time to write. But when I wasn't shoveling or taking care of other people, I was zoned out! I did nothing for hours at a time! In my normal life, I am always on the go. working too many hours, taking care of my DH, my parents, and my other family and friends.

so writing in the blog took too much energy. That sounds incredibly stupid to me but its what happened.

The snow is still piled up -- still taller than a person at the end of my driveway. Yawn !

I really want it to be warm

so that's what is going on here -- working, shoveling, cooking, taking care of other people who need additional help in the weather. . .

Hoping that everyone else is having a warmer february than me
and I know that March will definitely be warmer
and the days are certainly getting longer -- that really makes me happy

Good Luck, DW -- we are all with you
thanks for the updates -- your hubby will get through this
You are strong and can deal with your role in it
Best wishes...
Tom's wife