Sunday, December 30, 2012

Why Diabetics Lie

Last night I asked Tom why he lies to me about his sugar
he started to deny it
but I calmly reassured him that I was not judging but curious
told him I was reading another blogger's frustration over it
and really wanted to understand why he does it
not that he can answer for anyone else -- just him

here are his reasons:
1)  he doesn't like being punished by me -- "no that's not right, I don't like it when you tell me ...."  when he goes low and I ask about it, I am going to tell him what to do (eat or drink something to fix it)  he knows I have his best interests at heart and that I am usually correct but he doesn't like it and in fact it feels like punishment even if that is not nice for me

2)  he doesn't like feeling out of control of his diabetes and feeling like he screwed up (his words)  he thinks he should always be in control so sometimes he will see that the number is low and I ask about it -- its like I caught him doing something "wrong" and he feels bad about that -- like he is supposed to always get it "right"

he acknowledges that I am very good at noticing the signs and am almost always right when I think he is low.  he also agrees that we have both worked on improving our communication so he doesn't feel so accused (and I don't overreact) when he goes low.

he doesn't really have such a problem with highs -- and he doesn't often go above 200 -- if he goes above 200 he thinks its a crisis without any help from me.

he thinks he has gotten so much better at all of this since he has his glucose monitor and in general I would agree -- but its a matter of degree and I don't think he is as good at it as he thinks he is

when I ask and he is either at a good rate or high -- he is usually pretty accurate when he tells me what his number is -- even when he tests to be sure

but when he is low or going low - he is less reliable -- again, I am not judging just observing
I understand how difficult this must be for him
I tried to explain to him that I don't think he is doing something wrong nor do I want to punish him
I just want to make sure his sugar is in the right zone -- and catch it before it goes too low
if sometimes my voice is too sharp when I ask, its because of fear not blame

the conversation ended because we got to our destination -- not because we finished
although he thought we were done

It was interesting to learn
he did admit to me that he does lie about  his sugar
that was new

just thought I would share....

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Bad Xmas Travel!

Sunday travel to family for Christmas started off very badly
On interstate 95 heading south in Virginia
lots of traffic and Tom is driving in his normal aggressive manner
zipping in and out of all lanes
moves to the right and BAM!#@#
hit a car which turned over twice!!

we are ok -- our car is damaged but ok
the woman in the other car is ok -- but her car is not
and I imagine her Christmas was really a mess

I am so sorry!!
Tom is still very upset

we knew this would happen some day
he is driving better for the moment
will that last?  who knows?

the other thing that happened is also bad
our rescue dog started dragging her back legs and can't walk
this started after the accident even though it does not seem to be related
she does not exhibit pain -- you can touch her anywhere on her body and she doesn't react
we took her to an emergency vet -- worthless event  -- the vet said well it could be any of ten things and she has no idea -- ok - I didn't need to spend $300 to know I needed to take her to our vet back at home......  :(

time with family was fine -- normal -- I had more patience for my mil because really it doesn't matter
she doesn't matter -- she is just a sad, self centered person
I am worried about Tom -- he is very upset about the accident and asked me to drive most of the time

I don't like driving that much -- but guess that will be my new job....

we need to move into the city so we can take cabs???

Hope others had a better holiday

on to New Year's eve.......

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Always too much!

 Once again I have random thoughts and too much on my plate
I worry about everything
even if I know that worry does no good

my dad
how to make my business work
will Tom keep his job is the government goes over the fiscal cliff
Tom's doctor wants him to get a thyroid ultrasound
she also wants a podiatrist exam because he is losing feeling in his feet

normal stuff -- money, health, family

and I know I should live in the moment
but that is difficult for me

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Don't know what to say...

So much in my head -- can't think of a thing to write
Dad's illness progresses -- it's so sad
Tom is having daily evening lows again -- frustrating
I am sad (and confused) why Boop82 left -- she must have experienced something sad
I wish her strength and courage if she is going through a tough time
Diabetes Wife is trying to determine whether to get divorced
She will figure out what is best for her -- she is very smart and is good at letting things work themselves out the way they are supposed to
I tend to be too impatient -- she is a role model for me

haven't heard from others recently
I know -- its difficult to keep it up
especially this time of year
its SO BUSY!

one amusing story....
my sister called me Sunday morning
she planned dinner at my parents' house for Sunday night
but she scheduled too much in her calendar and asked if I could help
well, help turned out that I made dinner for 11 people
really, it was fine
but it was her dinner -- even though I purchased the food and prepared it!
can't live with them and can't live without them.....

wishing everyone a good night

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I Hate This!

What's your number?
what are you going to do about it?
nothing, I just ate salad
I don't think that's enough carbs
yes it is

end of discussion

he is practically comatose
Too frustrating

I can't deal with it

going upstairs

he will either take care of himself
or I will come downstairs in a couple of hours
and force him to take more sugar

I don't want to fight

Sunday, December 2, 2012

what's the difference between Happy and Content?

My sister and I took a weekend trip to Gulf Shores Alabama to visit a cousin
it has been delightful
we are in a 15th floor condo overlooking the Gulf of Mexico on the beach
it is absolutely beautiful and we were lucky to get fabulous weather
its so nice to be away from the challenges of home for just a few days
I have spoken to my mom and Tom each day -- so all is right at home
Here its just so away...

We had a conversation this morning about being happy
my version:  I am content with my life:  I have moments of happiness, moments of sadness, anger, grief, etc.  but on a natural keel -- I am content -- that is my life that is what it is
I don't really know what "happiness" is on an ongoing basis.  more than moments of happiness are too much to expect .

Her version:  she wants her life to be happy with moments of pure joy, sadness, anger grief, etc.
to her - the natural keel is happiness.

Are our perspectives different?  Is it just a word or an outlook?
I'm trying to remember my last experience with pure joy -- and I'm not sure I can
are there moments of excitement?  yes, on very rare occasions
but there are also moments of extreme despair -

what is the middle?  what is the norm in my life?
I pick content -- she picks happiness
she thinks if I were to rephrase it i would be happier (there is that word again)
but I think it just sets up for more unmet expectations

so interesting to have these conversation at the beach!

Going home in a few hours....
back to normal.....