Saturday, April 30, 2011

I'm Not Doing it!

I refuse!
he is sitting on the sofa across from me
he refuses to drink the juice I set down for him
he is "falling asleep" sitting up
I'm not going to save him
if he passes out - let him
too bad
why should I fight with him
and have him call me names
say mean things to me
essentially save his life
so he can do it more?
how long can I do this?
I don't know
but I just don't want to do it?
let him save his own life.....

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lots of Advice

As I read some of our posts, I reflect
we (and I mean me) are so full of advice for others
but maybe its me I'm projecting
maybe its what I'm projecting I wish I could do

Truly I feel horrible for what others go through
in comparison, my situation is a piece of cake
and yet I feel challenged to deal with it
I have days when I want to walk away

Before the garage door fiasco, we had a nice weekend
since then -- all downhill
mr. Jerk-o has returned
I don't know how much of it is sugar-related and how much of it is just his personality
how do you tell
tonight was definitely low-sugar
Sunday nite was not
last night was just stupid pig-headedness

on tv, the wife gets to tell the husband to sleep on the couch
how come I can't even get him to sleep in the second bedroom?
I am the one who has to do that!
he can be such a jerk!
I don't care if it is because of low sugar
that shouldn't give him license to be mean and inconsiderate and nasty

but then, I'm telling you what you know.
why would he purposely get in the car, knowing he needs sugar
and then blame it on me, because "I asked for Chinese food?"

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What's the Deal?

After a great weekend, Tom shut the garage door on his car and broke the garage door!
DW's husband drank caldryl instead of pepto bismal
Lynn's husband is reading the numbers and eating sugar like crazy anyway (oops that's all of them!)

the dramatic, unpredictable behavior of our husbands is hard to take

I actually feel real admiration for the person who wrote to DW about leaving her DH
I don't believe that marriage is the be all end all to the world
when its great, its great
but if the relationship is being abused - then its ok to leave
when I read some of the blogs and comments
I wonder how some of my "sister wives" can stay
sometimes I wonder how I can stay

In my case, there are still more good days than bad
but then again, Tom is very functional
he plays tennis multiple times a week
he works at his place of employment at least 5 days a week

I guess maybe I never shared that before
but Tom is VERY healthy - compared to some of your husbands
that doesn't make him any more compliant
it doesn't make him any more predictable
it doesn't make him any more easy to deal with

there are many other things that are very scary
but that's for another post

My point is
1) their "mood" swings are VERY scary
2) sometimes a person just has to leave

at the end of the day, each of us has to take care of ourselves

p.s., fortunately it was the garage door not the car that got broken and it got fixed quickly

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Nice Weekend

Its been a nice weekend
I can breathe for a moment
we did lots of yard work together
I can really appreciate the time

Hope others also had a pleasant time

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tonight -- Comments

I will take a page from DW and respond to some of the comments recently received.

Lilly writes:
And let us not forget Crazy Wife, who is also dealing with 2 (2! WOW) sets of twins to make life even more interesting! I do agree, that blogging is where we can let it all go and say what is on our minds, as we are keeping it all together the rest of the time dealing with our DHs. And I too am very grateful that we have a little community of "sisters" blogging away and comparing notes. There are so many days that it helps so much!

Yes, Lilly, once I went to bad last night, I remembered Crazy Wife and Lynn!
and there are several named "Anonymous"
we all understand the desire to not have a name - so that could be multiple people
thanks to one and all!

Then there is NewToThis:
What a crazy zoo your family event must have been. I cannot imagine. Did you manage to get Tom's low under control? Did all the help from the side line calm down?
I think my family events are always zoos! Yes Tom got under control pretty quickly and the family members quickly went on to other topics -- the pregnant niece, the newly married niece, the nephew going to grad school, you know.....

And, Sandy, we really are in this together aren't we? isn't it amazing that you get me better than my family who have known me for more than 50 years?
I can see a low from a mile away in my hubby too!!!!!!!!!! :) sad that the one comment of not helping him came up. I guess you have to chaulk that up to just not understanding Diabetes. I love the don't overdose lol gotta laugh right ? :)

On a totally different tangent, I received a very interesting question from a friend of mine.
when I had told her about this blogging she thought it was great that we were supporting each other but she wanted to know how I could tell who was legitimate and who was scamming us.

My response was -- why would anyone waste their time trying to scam us?
we are all anonymous
we are just sharing stories of our burdens
I don't get the problem

My friend said that some people just get laughs by making fun of other people who are dealing with serious issues

any thoughts?

I would hate to think that someone would do that with us and I can't imagine any of our group being that way, but thought I would throw it out there

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Raging DWs - One and All!

So, the mystery is solved!
Raging Diabetic Wife is one of us!
I have to say I'm relieved
at the same time, the point of my post last time is that its sometimes so hard to tell by just reading the words!

I worry about that,
my posts are really just my thoughts put to "paper" (Oops I mean screen)
this is my chance to write without too much thinking
like many of you, when I write for work I have to spend a lot of time worrying about how people will interpret the words I put into email or on paper
this is the place where I don't need to do that

its nice that some of you tell me that you appreciate what I write
I don't need lots of encouragement but a little helps

the people I hear from are wonderful
Diabetic's Wife (DW) who started this whole thing is THE BEST
Lilly adds a lot of information and heart
Newtothis (S) shows us her sense of humor most of all
Sandy appears to have a younger version of challenges and I think those of us who are a little older, well our hearts break for her in a different way
Raging, welcome, your frankness in the clean bathroom stories and financial issues are startling and eye-opening -- should cause every one of us to take note

hmmm, who am I leaving out?

Michael, I like your input too, you seem to try to look at this from out point of view
and that must be very difficult -- I applaud your effort

To be honest, in this space, we don't usually try to look out for the diabetic
we spend so much of our "off line" time doing that
this is the place where we don't have to
where we can "rage" against it

For example, tom and I hadn't spent time with my family for several weeks
Monday night we went to my parents for dinner
arriving separately, coming directly from work
it was all 25 of us this time

and he shows up low
I know because I can see it in his eyes
He starts trying to talk to one of my sisters
she is trying to understand what he is saying
he is talking nonsense
she keeps trying to clarify
but of course that doesn't work
I'm trying to get to the OJ and then get the OJ to him
and then, of course, get him to drink the OJ

Mom is on the sidelines -- get him to drink -- lots!!
Another sister is on the sidelines -- oh, be careful -- not too much don't overdose
Another sister -- don't take care of him -- he should be taking care of himself

so much !

and then, how can I complain when he keeps the bathroom clean?

ok, that's it for tonight,
hope everyone gets a good night of sleep
or at least some sleep

and again, Welcome SAR

OH! and if anyone else is reading this and not blogging!
please join us
more is definitely better!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Interesting Comment

I received a comment that I don't understand
I am not posting it as a "comment" but am quoting it here
maybe we will get more feedback
you will see why in a minute
it is always so much nicer to get encouragement from those who agree with us
and pure hateful or ignorant comments are just to be ignored

however, sometimes another perspective does cause one to pause
and I do want to be intropesective (how do you spell that word?)

I'm not denying my feelings -- but other feelings are valid too
here is the comment:

I feel the opposite. I have started a blog, raging diabetic's wife, in order to have the freedom to express what is going on in my life and not to listen to more raging. I have joined our sisterhood after getting no help or compassion from the medical establishment concerning what I am facing day to day as he gets sicker and sicker.

since the person did not give much information -- I don't know if she is the raging diabetic's wife or I am???
she joined the sisterhood, but she feels the opposite, of what?
I'm confused....
this is from someone I haven't heard from before
so I would really like to hear more

can I support her?
or should I be thinking about how she has a different perspective than I do?
clearly she agrees on the way the medical establishment treats our husbands
but whose raging does she not want to hear?

please tell me
I want to be helpful
not harmful

Tom and I had a BIG talk today
I feel better when we talk
it lasts for a few days
then it goes away
but I'll take a few days

tomorrow I go to work again
things get tense again
he will have another low this week
and that is my life
sound familiar?

ok, I'm done for tonight

thank you for all of your caring thoughts
they REALLY help me
and I am glad some people appreciate my "stream-of-consciousness" writing
at least we have each other!!

may we all get a good night's sleep tonight!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Slow Starter

Its interesting to me that I have found you, my friends on this blog
to be honest, I have 5 friends on facebook -- its not my thing - -I only have those "friends" because they are already my friends and it serves a purpose -- why do people have hundreds?

I picked up email at first because of work
don't misunderstand -- I learned to program computers way back in college -- on punch cards!
that was a long time ago -- so I'm not averse to technology
its the public part of the "friendship" thing that causes my hesitation
while we try to be discrete (at least many of us) I don't really trust anything on the internet
of course some of my work involves internet security
and I have probably seen more ways to steal than to do things legally

that said, I find it interesting how we "sister wives" address the issue of our husbands knowing about our blogs -- and the "secrecy" thing

some dread the thought of their husbands finding out
I understand that -- Tom's feelings would probably be hurt if he read some of what I wrote
I wouldn't want that
I'm brutally honest here

on the other hand, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if he did read it -- maybe he would understand better
but I know better
I have tried to tell him these things in so many ways over the years
in writing, in words, and in pictures -- you name it! :)

And then again, Tom truly does not seem curious
someone wondered whether a husband sneaked in and saw her blog
its possible
what would be the outcome??

would he be angry? sad? hurt?
would he change his behavior overall?
would he take better care of himself?
would he take better care of her?
those would be good outcomes

on the other hand, would he yell more?

Tom is one of those people who mostly turns things inside
and if he is angry at me he gets passive aggressive
when he yells, it really is to tell me indirectly that I'm stupid
if I'm in a good place then I have learned to be calm and walk away from those arguments

but as you know I'm not always in a good place
right now, he is not yelling at me
he is internalizing
we just don't talk much

its not terrible
its also just not terribly warm either

I guess that's my rambling for now.....

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Another Shoe Dropped Today

I didn't know I had so many shoes

My sister - my best friend
She had a very curable type of cancer 20 years ago
she had it removed and she "recovered"
she has been great ever since

today she got the results of her latest scan
and they found something
the doctor said it may be nothing
but it is scary

On days when I feel better this may not be so much
she sounds fine
but today I don't
remember my earlier posting where I feel fragile?

the thought going through my mind?
if I were to lose my dad, my sister, and my husband
Well, its just awful -- I can't even imagine...

this is incredibly sad
and I'm feeling overwhelmed

everyone around me thinks I'm really strong
that's what the people in my physical life say to me
they all believe that I'm the one who holds everything together
and honestly it helps me to get through the day to pretend sometimes
but I sat in my car and just cried for a bit

the good news is that I have started walking again and that helps
Spring! what a great time of year
but for some reason yucky stuff seems to keep happening

well, maybe that's just my sad mood
think I'll go for a walk

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

p.s. Thank You

By the way, thank you for all the responses
including the private ones
they really help

Thoughts of Sadness

Been thinking about me lately
talking to a friend today

In the last few years life has been a mixture of good and bad
however I believe that I have lost my foundation

over the last 20 years of my marriage (been married 25) I have gradually been losing pieces of Tom to diabetes -- read about it in DW''s blog -- she does a good job

but a couple of years ago my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer
he had all the treatments
and at 85 years old, his doctors are calling him "cured"
but he is no longer my dad

you see, of everyone on the face of this earth, my dad of the single person who believed in me no matter what happened
he was always my cheerleader
he challenged me and listened to me
he understood me and loved me unconditionally

I hope this doesn't sound weird
but my dad is my heart!

and while he is still a living breathing person
he just isn't the same
he doesn't feel well
he is tired
my mom "protects him from everyone"
she worries about him so much -- and that's understandable
but I get very little alone time with him
he seems just fine with that too
but I miss him so much

I think these words don't capture my thoughts very well
but its where my thoughts are tonight
I just don't have my dad anymore
even though I "still have my dad"

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Feeling Fragile

just one of those days
when it feels as if tears were close to the surface all day
no particular reason - just "fragile"

received some wonderful comments last night

several about using the "delete" button on our DH's comments
I think it gave many of us a smile
maybe you don't need to be the wife of a diabetic to want to use the delete button :)

It also seems like lots of people are feeling the spring - flowers, busy schedules, etc
Do you remember marrying that guy who was going to take care of us on our fragile days?
I don't think I have many of them (who knows)
but you know work sometimes really beats me up
and it would be so great to come home and get built back up
it never happens anymore
no more big bear hugs
no more comforting ...

instead its me taking care of him.....

I'm now the big bear..


not what I signed up for
but its what I have

oh well

my mom never promised me a rose garden.....

Monday, April 11, 2011

when there is "nothing to say"

there are days when I want to reach out to my friends on this site
(is that the right terminology?)
but I don't feel like I have anything new to say...
particularly on the diabetes front
Tom was great all weekend!
I didn't do much this weekend but catch up from my marathon work-travel
and now I am home for awhile
so, I caught up
I did finances, taxes, grocery shopping, and cooking
stuff I would normally consider relaxing
but while I'm doing it, I'm feeling restless
is this relaxing?
I don't know
I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop
it doesn't and I'm happy
but I'm always waiting

does this make sense to anyone else?

then I get this sweet note:

Hi, Just stopped by to say thanks for your last comment on my blog. I guess I just got my first angry comment from a DH.

angry comments are par for the course -- when we write here, we get them
there are people out there who do not like what we say
too bad
that is the beauty of this forum
we get to say what we want

they get to also
but we don't have to publish their comments
we have the option of that wonderful option: the DELETE button
wouldn't it be nice if we could do that with our husband's comments?

So, friends, its spring, my favorite month
be outside and enjoy
I hope you get the chance
I hope to do so at every opportunity

and even with little to say,
I'll still post nonsense!