Saturday, August 27, 2011

Thanks, Tex for being there = it helped to have a friend

I was so panicked the other day that I don't think I was coherent
it has been such a busy summer and a good one

the question about Tom's driver's license sounds reasonable
until you realize that he drives - about 150,000 miles a year
between going to work, small errands, and going to visit his mother in another state
believe it or not, the last time he had a total breakdown like this was 5 years ago
he has had more minor ones when I have been in the car and was able to
stop it earlier in the process

ok, maybe that sounds lame
if he were a drinker maybe that wouldn't sound good enough
but imagine how our lives would be impacted if he couldn't drive!
maybe I'm thinking of my life!
and wonder if I would have to start driving him everywhere
i just couldn't do that
and to pay for someone else to drive him?
that would probably bankrupt us

He is supposed to be getting his new monitor very soon
its not a perfect solution but its much better
the monitor, for those of you who don't know,
will test his glucose for him and ring an alarm when it goes low
if he ignores it as its going down - he won't hear or react when it is too low
so the problem always is with us

but it is better.

of course, I am on the watch out for him mood right now
I am a little afraid that he will get depressed after this episode
like he did last time
that means he gets angry
angry at himself means he shows anger at me
we get into this circular pattern of horribleness

I am doing my best to not let that happen
but I'm stressed out also
he did not call his doc (as I asked him to do)
he told me that she would just say (so what did you do about it?)
and then last night he was going low before dinner
and I had to insist that he test
he didn't argue too much - but he wasn't happy with me
(like it was my fault)


well, I knew the good times couldn't last forever

hopefully this little downtime won't last too long

Thursday, August 25, 2011

He's OK, of course

So, he called and he was sort of panicked
he was confused and needed my help
by that time, I had called my sister for help

so here is what happened
I called my sister and said I was worried - he should have been gone 15 minutes
and he was gone an hour
this was not right
he should have answered his cell phone and he didn't

she said she would go to the store where he should have been
I didn't want to leave home in case he (or the police) called here

he called - driving - not knowing where he was
while on the phone with him
trying to get him to pull over
she called

I tried to get him to simply pull over
of course -- he won't just do that
he found a Mcdonalds and pulled in there
got out and got some food
sound good?
yes but it really would have been better if he had
just pulled over to the side of the road and not driven further
and not done anything at all!

anyway, my sister picked me up
and he stayed on the phone
he got food
believe it or not
he refused to get full sugar soda
he still insisted on half diet and half sugar soda

we got to him - he didn't argue about me driving
my sister left
the car seat and the seat belt were soaking wet

I drove home -- he was miles from where he should have been

again he was lucky
but he is now really mad at himself
he is apologizing to me

I think I lost a few more years

they say all is well that ends well
I'm not sure
my system is still not calm

this hasn't happened in many years ==
hope it doesn't happen again for many more

worry is useless

I know it doesn't help to worry
but I'm worried
Tom left an hour ago to run two errands
he is not answering his cell phone
right before he left I asked about his sugar
he said it was high
why is he gone so long
there is no reason that I can think of
I'm a nervous wreck
things have been so good
why did I let him go?
yes, I know, I'm the preacher
I always say let him manage his own business
but I can't stand sitting here not knowing
I don't want to leave the house in case someone calls

but I have lived through this before
where he crashed his car
more than once
I am scared
worrying doesn't help
but its the not knowing that is so hard
there is no reason for him to be gone so long

something happened
I don't know what to do

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thank You, Tom

Sometimes, life is better than others.
Right now, I am feeling lucky to be married to Tom.
Maybe its odd but I'm grateful that Tom is taking care of his health right now

I'm trying to remember whether life is usually better in summer than winter
I know that I am always happier in summer than winter
but it never occurred to me that the same may be true for Tom also
if that is the case then its possible that his health could be worse in the winter
hmm, something new to consider

then, also, we have the big change in my career
and truthfully its going phenomenally well, but it does change things
and he is being a true champ -- being supportive in every possible way
I never can predict these things with him

But he is truly being my rock and the foundation that I need
its not like our early years -- not at all
and I'm not sure I would call it "better" so much as "different"
there are still scars from our years of "fighting this disease and each other"

but right now, and this very moment, I am happy to take a moment and share my comfort and say I'm glad I stayed. Tom and I share a life (at this moment in time) that is right for the two of us. It will get hard again and it will get better again -- but it is what it is. Its my life.......

Monday, August 1, 2011

Where We Live

Anonymous TX wondered where we all live.
Its an interesting question.
We are all kind of protective of our identities in different ways.
and yet, because we help each other, we are also curious about each other.

I am in the Washington DC area -- along with a few million others.
Texas is pretty big also.
I am GUESSING that Lilly may live somewhere in the upper midwest - but I don't know
and that DW lives out west

I have no idea where Sandy lives -- for some reason I pick New Jersey! Just because I want to pick New Jersey!

there really aren't very many of us who "talk" with each other
I have pictures in my head of what the other ladies look like
(of course Sandy is brave enough to have her picture on her page! I'm not there!)
I want to use this place to vent too often and so prefer to try not to be known

So, I think Lilly is short with curly hair
I think DW is slender with long dark hair...

ok, I'll stop now but these are the silly things I do to entertain myself
its a sad life.....

hope you get my sarcasm tonight.

sleep well.......