Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Thanks, it helps..

Family can be difficult and so is this time of year (for me)
the short days are too dark --
I recognize that this week is one I should be enjoying
traffic is easy
I really don't have to work very hard -- I can leave early
not very many people at the office interrupting my work
tom is in a good mood and is being very nice
but it takes me until January until I start feeling better
its mental -- I know
but I need to know the days are getting longer
that on the calendar, spring is coming
December has been so cold!!!
the next couple of weeks are supposed to be warmer
I'm trying -- but have to admit that I am quite down
I appreciate the support from my sisters who also have diabetic husbands
for some reason knowing others have the same issues to face helps
thinking that maybe I can help a little is also comforting

so, to my fellow wives -- thank you
I'm glad you are there
it helps
and, as always, I hope we all get a good night's sleep
because at the end of it all
with good sleep, we can deal with the rest

Tom's Wife

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Yay! XMas is over!

I know that some people like the holidays
but for me they are always so stressful that I can't wait for them to be over
I am now home and grateful to be so
My beautiful, quiet, home -- the one that is mine!

Selfish? yes; Honest? Absolutely.
And for those of you who are still afraid of being honest
here on my blog?
sometimes its REALLY hard, but its important to give yourself permission

My Tom doesn't have the physical problems that DW's husband has
so while I can empathize, I'm not there

but talk to me about the issues faced by Crazy Wife and the lies like that?
I'm so there
Its taken me so long,,,, but finally, I can recognize -- it is NOT ME!
Its him!!!!!!

that doesn't stop it from hurting
or stop me from questioning myself sometimes

Its not fair, its not right, but he does it any way

We were at the hotel on Christmas Eve and he woke up really low
he was ranting - honestly, I have no idea what he was talking about
he was yelling at me about something
of course I was wrong, stupid, whatever....
somewhere, I found patience
I gave him some soda and took a shower
when I got out he was eating some candy
then he was really sorry

My Tom goes low, he gets upset when he eats too many carbs
he will scold me for feeding him too many carbs at dinner
but his mother, of course, can do no harm
even when she gives him stupid stuff
he won't tell her no -- he won't tell her that she is wrong
he eats and takes whatever she gives him
not me -- but her
he doesn't want to hurt her feelings
obviously he doesn't care that much about mine

one of her specialties is a particular cookie that she makes
according to her, Tom loves these cookies more than life itself
they are made with butter, sugar and flour
she pushes them on him non stop
including sending some home with him
he won't tell her no
he says ok then the minute we are out of her house, he tells me he won't eat them

it doesn't matter that he has told her that he doesn't eat them because of the high carb count
"but you love these and you can eat them"
then when he is not around, she lectures me on what he eats and how his health is -- what I'm doing wrong in not taking care of him -- this year, it was that he is too skinny and not eating enough


You know, DH writes in such an organized fashion and
I just write stream of conscious
oh well, that's who I am

deal with it
I hope all of us get some easier nights (and days) as we go into the next year
or at least the strength to deal with the ones we have

take care.
Tom's Wife

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Didn't Realize how much time has gone by

thank you, DW, time really just flies
I've been checking in and reading your posts
but didn't recognize that I haven't written in so long

to be honest, this is not my best time of year
too much stress

you know that my job is very difficult
there is hope on the horizon, but in the meantime,
well my new mantra is "I work for a lunatic"
maybe if I say that every time he says something that makes me angry
then maybe I can get by for another day of his insensitive horrible behavior

in the meantime, my dad's health is ok
and Tom has actually been doing ok and being fairly nice to me

I am dreading the annual visit to my in-laws for XMas
Tom only wants to stay 3 days so at least it won't last long
but it is always so difficult
I totally recognize that this may be my feelings about them
but I just totally dislike my mother in law and frankly I believe she dislikes me
there is so much history -- even when I go in with a good attitude it only takes about 4 seconds before I want to scream

Now we have two of our nephews who are ex-cons
a niece who has an equally messed up life
and a drug-addicted brother (of Tom)

It is so miserable -- with everyone pretending to be happy and enjoying each other ignoring the white elephants in the room.

I know its only a couple of days a year
but they don't let me be me
I try to stay to myself, take the dog for walks, and stay out of conversations
but it doesn't work
someone will follow me out the door
or into one of the bedrooms (where I have gone to read)
If I don't participate in a conversation someone will ask what's wrong or am I angry or whatever,
I really can't win

OK, I'll stop, I'm getting agitated just writing about it
I am not going to think about it until I'm there

My heart is with you guys as you support your guys
I hope you are taking care of yourselves also

honestly, I've been trying to do that lately
don't think I've been doing such a good job of it
but I'll get by

take care
Tom's Wife