Monday, December 12, 2011

Ups and Downs

I don't understand
Tom got a monitor
I hear it beeping
and I ask -- what does the beep mean?
oh, it says I'm at 74, or 67, or whatever
that's weird -- I thought I just ate
well, I guess something went wrong because your glucose is 74
no it can't be
ok, test it manually
ok, i just did
sometimes he lies and tells me its 174 - i can tell he is lying -- he has "that face"
other times he tells the truth "wow! it really is 74!  I don't understand, I just ate...."
either way he sips a bit of juice to bring it up
I am trying so hard to be patient
but really he is unreasonable
some days it works out fine
other days it is just plain scary
after all these years
one would think I would be used to it
I guess its not true that repetition makes it ok
I'll never get used to it

and the season goes on....

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Quick Post Thanksgiving Comment

We survived another Turkey Day!
good stuff and bad
frustrating and great!
highs and lows
but we are all still here
and so are our diabetic husbands
and hopefully everyone got a bit of sleep!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

For the first time that I can ever remember, I am not working this week.
It is fantastic!
I get to be home (or whatever) doing whatever I want and planning dinner all by myself!
It may be the only time I ever get to do this but really it is a gift

We are having a small group on Thursday -- 8 people
for this too I am grateful -- my parents, one sister, and 3 friends.
I am preparing exactly what I want, I have the time to do exactly as I wish
I get to use the china and silver I received at my wedding
can't remember last time that happened!

the house is mine during the day so I get to just do things in my way!
no one correcting me or asking why


I'm sorry for others who are not so blessed this year
I am soaking in it because, as I said, this feels like a once in a lifetime chance

In the evenings when he is home, Tom is not taking care of himself
he has the monitor -- but for some reason -- he is not using is properly

last night, I was watching him trying to cut vegetables 
he couldn't hold the knife properly and it was scary to watch
but, you know, sometimes all you can do is watch with breath held

I asked about his "sugar number"  -- our new code word
after fumbling for several minutes he looked at it  and said 40
well, really it couldn't have been 40 because he would have been passed out on the floor
but he sure was low
so I asked him if he was going to have some juice
"ok, in a minute after I finish this"


after you cut your finger off?

I had to leave the room

its so tiring

of course, he finished what he was doing, drank some juice and was just fine
later asking me why I get so upset
he has it all under control   :| 

so today -- alone again --
I am a happy girl

he can take over when he gets home at night
I think by then I'll be upstairs in bed reading my romance novel.
or something......

I wish everyone could have a few days like mine
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Big Catch-up

Its funny how I have come to think of the people on this blog as my friends.
I know I have not been writing much lately, but neither have others.
Lilly -- did you ever hear from Sandy?
maybe she got tired of us old people?
I want to know how Lynn Barry's book is doing
we haven't heard from Sugar or Raging in a bit
and there are a couple of anonymous members who frequently comment ---
but maybe its because I'm not writing

Anyway --
here is my update

Tom is doing OK
he has a new monitor, and it helps
but its not perfect and this past weekend we had a bad event that I'm still trying to process

My sister was giving a party and I was helping her
I was preparing a complicated dish on Saturday and things weren't going well
he was off doing his own thing -- which is fine -- but when he got home he started bothering me in the kitchen and just being in the way -- this is unusual behavior for him
I was distracted and just got angry at him -- told him to go away

a bit later I looked up and really looked at him and in a glance could tell his sugar was low
so I asked -- what does the monitor say?
after a hesitation, he said 170
I asked 70 or 170?
he said 170.
I didn't believe him but what can I do?

I requested that he take some juice and go away and leave me alone
(for those who aren't familiar with this scenario -- I wasn't being mean just matter of fact)
He started yelling but I got him out of the kitchen and let him yell in another room
(oh and I broke down and gave him a glass of OJ -- I almost didn't but I just couldn't deal with EMTs or whatever)

so later we went to the party -- in one car -- its only ten minutes away -- he was fine by then
I told him I was upset because he lied to me and that I also get upset when he puts me in the position of having to treat him like a child.  (I had taken his car keys away from him -- don't want him killing anyone else when he is so low).  it is unfair of him and he gets mean.  so he pulls the poor pitiful me routine -- he is sorry but doesn't like it when I treat him like that and he is angry with himself. blah blah blah

Then, the party is full swing - and he says he is tired and going home.  he will come back and get me when I call him.  what can I say but ok?  so he left -- he has never really done that before.

When I called him there was no answer and I assumed he was already asleep
my sister drove me home
he was asleep and didn't wake up when I got home.

Part of me thinks this is all fine -- but part of me has hurt feelings because he was so detached from me and all that occurred. 

Sunday he seemed a little more engaged -- more normal -- but Saturday -- it was that detached attitude that was so bothersome to me....

Oh well, another day in the life of a diabetic spouse
nothing else to do but move on
it is what it is
and now on to Thanksgiving...........

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Tom's New Monitor

I may have mentioned that Tom has a new monitor
its not perfect -- he has to "calibrate" often
and we know it is not accurate yet
but its better than nothing

last week -- its showed that he was lower than he really was
it said 57 and we knew he wasn't that low
but he was low
and that was the issue

then today he was low and he kept telling me that the monitor was telling me he was between 95 and 110
I was really busy with lots of other things including my parents, my sister and my niece
but I knew he wasn't that high

a few arguments and glasses of juice later
he was fine

but here is what bothered me

he hid his juice drinking and chocolate eating
why does he need to hide that?
does he think I care?
that he is a bad person because he needs to eat sugar?

I know if I ask he will say he wasn't hiding it
but facts are facts....

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I'm Tired - But that is old news

I spent the last 5 days at a major conference in my industry.  It is a very different experience to do that representing just yourself and not a big company.  I am exhausted!  This morning I am trying to figure out what to do.  I know that should be writing follow up letters and grasping to create work from the people I just met.  But honestly I'm wondering if it is going to work.  and tired -- oh, I just said that.

Fortunately, Tom took care of himself while I was gone.  but then again, he always does.  he waits until I'm home again to "slip up". But maybe this time he won't.  He got a new monitor and he tell me that he is happy with it. 

You and I know that we always have to take his words with a touch of salt -- but optimism is my middle name -- so here is hoping. 

It appears that our little group has been busy -- not posting much.
Not sure if that's good or not - but it is that time of year!

on one hand, it is easy to get distracted and yet it is also easy to get stressed to the max

I'm making Thanksgiving dinner this year
haven't even started thinking about what to buy!

Maybe I'll take a nap today!

Friday, October 21, 2011

A comment

Michael gave this response to my last post.

No, I don't find this fascinating. I find it difficult to comprehend. We have snippets of an article that are thrown together in a haphazard fashion, and it's not easy to follow what might have been fascinating initially because the full context isn't included. "Thinking something through is the end of reasoning..." Um, what? That completely defies the definition of what reason is -> the thinking, cognition, intellect, and way a rational person understands themselves and thinks about cause and effect, truth and falsehood, and what is good or bad. Overall, the point appears to be: work together, it's a partnership. If that isn't happening, and it can't be communicated, maybe there are some deeper issues going on that need to be addressed... Diabetes aside

Michael, I respect your input - you have a great perspective on diabetes.  These are not "snippets of an article thrown together in a haphazard fashion"  the only words left out refer to the specific person described.

I'm sorry if you didn't connect with the words - but I did.

you may be correct that there are deeper issues going on than just diabetes -- that happens very frequently

 but I still like it!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Profound Words

Just read an advice column on a totally different topic but it hit me right in the heart.
tell me what you think  I replaced the topic with the diabetic topic

"...your husband's behavior is way more egregious.  Acting unilaterally in a marriage is the heart of all betrayal.  Your comfort, standard of living, quality of life, finances, safety and goals, among other things are all linked now.  Your husband imposed his standards on you -- and compromised yours for you -- in every one of these categories when he acted without asking you.

The healthy, productive, forward-looking response to that isn't to suck it up and find a way to like it.  Its to explain to your husband that he negated your voice in your own home, to let him know that this is not acceptable, and to say that the conversation isn't over until you have both had your say.

... since he has been .[diabetic].. for all of x months [or years], its possible he hasn't fully processed what it means to share a life.  thinking something through marks the end of the reasoning process, it becomes a habit.  But that gets the [diabetic] person only halfway through at best. 

so point out to your husband that he skipped the part where you and he reconcile your two carefully drawn conclusions and come to a decision you both can embrace.  "

do you also find this fascinating????

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Machines that keep them Going

Tom (and I) met with a sales person for a new pump, meter, and monitor last night
I have to say that I'm very impressed with Tom
he has been really doing his research
I shouldn't be surprised -- that is what he does
but in some ways I'm disappointed
why doesn't he share this information with me BEFORE the guy gets here?

anyway, it is very interesting
Tom tells me that the monitors that Sandy described that stay on top of the skin
are not nearly as accurate as the ones that go into the skin
none of them are as accurate as the ones that you stick in your finger
(not sure I understand all of that)
but the technology continues to improve

he is working on figuring out all the pieces
he will get a new monitor right away
he will replace his pump in December when insurance approves it
and he will replace the monitor next year when the company comes out with the
new version that connects the two together.

its sort of confusing
but fortunately he has it all figured out

I asked for some explanations so I could help
but he is not very forthcoming

we will go on
tonight he went low again
but he is acknowledging that I have a better sense of him going low
than he does -- he told the sales guy that
its the first time I have EVER heard him admit that to anyone!

maybe that is progress?????

we shall see

Sunday, October 2, 2011


The blogs have been fairly quiet lately
I guess we have all been very busy lately
I know I have been

And, its Fall
my least favorite season of all
there is so much to do and yet not very much to write
its all sort of like busy work -- frustrating as heck!

Tom's doing fine
its a week to week thing

About to attempt to sleep well tonight

Friday, September 23, 2011

Tom's Doing Better

Well, the update is that Tom is doing much better.
It is clear that the pump was not working properly.
Since he received the new one, I don't think he has gone low

He is also actively pursuing getting his new monitor that synchs with the pump
Of course, it is necessary for me to continue to nag him

I HATE that!
but its better than being in the hospital or police station with him
I guess we have to choose our battles

back to my old saying:  I hope everyone gets a good night sleep tonight
its been a long time since Tom has woken me in hte middle of the night
I'm grateful
but for those of you who have a middle of the night low guy
hang in there
things will change

not sure how
but they will change

good night

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I Love Comments

It is very great to receive comments from my on-line friends
Truly you guys get it, even when others don't

Here is Tom's update

Every night since the car incident, he has gone low in the evening
the other night after he recovered, I sat him down and looked him in the eye and said
stop, this is not ok
I am trying to help, not hurt
but he cannot leave me to deal with this like this

his response?  "I'm going to the doctor next week"
me:  Monday?
Tom:  no, Friday, I think
Me:  not, ok.  it is not ok to go low every night between now and next Friday
 you may not live until next Friday.  what can you do between now and then?
Tom:  I don't know
Me:  Is there no one on the face of this earth who can help you?
you can't call your doctor?  there is nothing on the internet?  no one else who has diabetes who has ideas?
is there something wrong with your pumpt?

Tom:  Well,... I have been thinking that the doohicky in my pump may not be working right, maybe I can call them


Me:  OK, when are you going to call them?  I think this is important.  and in the meantime, can you use your manual monitor in the meantime?

Tom:  Oh, yeah, maybe I can do that.  I'll call the company first thing in the morning and see what they say.

Follow up -- he received a new part to his pump by Fed Ex the next day and he has been using the manual monitor in the mean time.
To my knowledge he hasn't gone low since.

HMPH.  why does he have to make it more complicated?
oh, I know, we have the answer to that.
but geez, really?
maybe tomorrow I won't worry so much when he is driving home.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Is it just me?  ok, I know its not.

Just about every night since the night Tom had the major failure driving a couple of Friday's ago
He has gone low before dinner -- too low
Tonight he arrived home confused and dazed
he "forgot" to do a few errands,  what?
his explanation:  he ate a candy bar before he left work and thought that would be enough
on a good day, its an hour drive - today with the weather it was way over an hour
and he is a high-stress driver - by choice

when I asked him what he is going to do to fix things
he said he just didn't know
he was doing everything he knew to do
I said that wasn't good enough
he needed to figure something out
what if he had another accident and lost his ability to drive?
was there no one on earth who could help him?

he finally admitted to me that he has a doc apptment next week
why was that so hard to tell me?

really what is wrong with him?
I mean other than the diabetes?
he doesn't understand that I have to live through this also!

and yet, its weird, I'm worried and angry, but separated
this is his issue not mine
he has to address it
I can't fix it
so I'm in the place of nowhere
I can't fix it, I can't do anything but watch the crisis build
every day another tile is added to the stack
eventually they are all going to fall over
I guess I will have to pick them up
I will have to deal with it then

An Embarrassment of Riches

Thanks for everyone who commented on my tennis analogy.  It seems like many people found it to be somewhat appropriate!  Sure is for me.

So now I am on to a new dilemma - One I hesitate to share - because it is about good fortune and I could use some advice.  My hesitation is that I recognize that I am lucky to have these choices in this crazy economic world we live in -- but in this one regard, maybe all of my hard work has payed off just a little.

So, here is the deal.  A month ago, I left my employer and took early retirement.  Its been a blessing.  I am so happy to never go to that office again and see those people!  I just cannot even share with you the horrible environment in which I worked.  While I was part of the Executive Team (smirk) this is a place where everything is combat, no one works together to accomplish anything, each "victory" for the company or for the customer, is actually a lost battle in the eyes of the executive who didn't get his way.  (and I do mean it in the male context of the word)  

Needless to say, I am happy to be gone!

Now, I am working on my own, planning my own consulting business out of my little home office, figuring out how to make the internet work for me, making phone calls, trying to write meaningful articles, reading stuff about "HOW TO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS IN A DAY!" and all that stuff.  I have put together what I think is a reasonable business plan that will build my business at a reasonable pace and pay me a reasonable amount of money and with any good luck, I won't have to work 10 million hours a week.  I am getting some leads and am feeling positive about the possibilities.

Well, I have been asked to apply for a position with a Federal agency that could truly be a once-in-a lifetime opportunity.  It is a policy job in my industry and it is highly placed, so I could truly having an impact on US citizens.  Its a two year job and the pay is "fine" but not "great".  It would be stable and would probably give me extra oomph on my resume -- but also sets my business back another two years.

what do i do?  how does one think about opportunities like this when neither answer is wrong and there isn't enough information yet to know the right answer...

any suggestions out there?

I value your feedback.

Friday, September 2, 2011

We are tennis balls

As I caught up on everyone's latest posts and thought back over my last couple of weeks, all I can think of is that our lives are like tennis balls.  Going back and forth across the net -- one minute high in the sky, the next smashing down on the hard surface.  

we are at the mercy of the guy holding the racket - he is sometimes in control and sometimes not.
sometimes he hits the ball in the "sweet spot" and everything goes well
other times he hits the ball on the edge of the racket and everything is off kilter 

Is he or is not really diabetic?
Are the meds working right or not?
He's been doing so well, ,what went wrong?
You know the story

We finally find a way to relax and enjoy a minute or two
and what happens? we come home to find the same old thing
but maybe worse!

I'm not sure its just that we are physically tired (although we are)
but the emotional/psychic tired part is worse
the weight on our shoulders gets so heavy
and there just is no one to truly take it away


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Thanks, Tex for being there = it helped to have a friend

I was so panicked the other day that I don't think I was coherent
it has been such a busy summer and a good one

the question about Tom's driver's license sounds reasonable
until you realize that he drives - about 150,000 miles a year
between going to work, small errands, and going to visit his mother in another state
believe it or not, the last time he had a total breakdown like this was 5 years ago
he has had more minor ones when I have been in the car and was able to
stop it earlier in the process

ok, maybe that sounds lame
if he were a drinker maybe that wouldn't sound good enough
but imagine how our lives would be impacted if he couldn't drive!
maybe I'm thinking of my life!
and wonder if I would have to start driving him everywhere
i just couldn't do that
and to pay for someone else to drive him?
that would probably bankrupt us

He is supposed to be getting his new monitor very soon
its not a perfect solution but its much better
the monitor, for those of you who don't know,
will test his glucose for him and ring an alarm when it goes low
if he ignores it as its going down - he won't hear or react when it is too low
so the problem always is with us

but it is better.

of course, I am on the watch out for him mood right now
I am a little afraid that he will get depressed after this episode
like he did last time
that means he gets angry
angry at himself means he shows anger at me
we get into this circular pattern of horribleness

I am doing my best to not let that happen
but I'm stressed out also
he did not call his doc (as I asked him to do)
he told me that she would just say (so what did you do about it?)
and then last night he was going low before dinner
and I had to insist that he test
he didn't argue too much - but he wasn't happy with me
(like it was my fault)


well, I knew the good times couldn't last forever

hopefully this little downtime won't last too long

Thursday, August 25, 2011

He's OK, of course

So, he called and he was sort of panicked
he was confused and needed my help
by that time, I had called my sister for help

so here is what happened
I called my sister and said I was worried - he should have been gone 15 minutes
and he was gone an hour
this was not right
he should have answered his cell phone and he didn't

she said she would go to the store where he should have been
I didn't want to leave home in case he (or the police) called here

he called - driving - not knowing where he was
while on the phone with him
trying to get him to pull over
she called

I tried to get him to simply pull over
of course -- he won't just do that
he found a Mcdonalds and pulled in there
got out and got some food
sound good?
yes but it really would have been better if he had
just pulled over to the side of the road and not driven further
and not done anything at all!

anyway, my sister picked me up
and he stayed on the phone
he got food
believe it or not
he refused to get full sugar soda
he still insisted on half diet and half sugar soda

we got to him - he didn't argue about me driving
my sister left
the car seat and the seat belt were soaking wet

I drove home -- he was miles from where he should have been

again he was lucky
but he is now really mad at himself
he is apologizing to me

I think I lost a few more years

they say all is well that ends well
I'm not sure
my system is still not calm

this hasn't happened in many years ==
hope it doesn't happen again for many more

worry is useless

I know it doesn't help to worry
but I'm worried
Tom left an hour ago to run two errands
he is not answering his cell phone
right before he left I asked about his sugar
he said it was high
why is he gone so long
there is no reason that I can think of
I'm a nervous wreck
things have been so good
why did I let him go?
yes, I know, I'm the preacher
I always say let him manage his own business
but I can't stand sitting here not knowing
I don't want to leave the house in case someone calls

but I have lived through this before
where he crashed his car
more than once
I am scared
worrying doesn't help
but its the not knowing that is so hard
there is no reason for him to be gone so long

something happened
I don't know what to do

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thank You, Tom

Sometimes, life is better than others.
Right now, I am feeling lucky to be married to Tom.
Maybe its odd but I'm grateful that Tom is taking care of his health right now

I'm trying to remember whether life is usually better in summer than winter
I know that I am always happier in summer than winter
but it never occurred to me that the same may be true for Tom also
if that is the case then its possible that his health could be worse in the winter
hmm, something new to consider

then, also, we have the big change in my career
and truthfully its going phenomenally well, but it does change things
and he is being a true champ -- being supportive in every possible way
I never can predict these things with him

But he is truly being my rock and the foundation that I need
its not like our early years -- not at all
and I'm not sure I would call it "better" so much as "different"
there are still scars from our years of "fighting this disease and each other"

but right now, and this very moment, I am happy to take a moment and share my comfort and say I'm glad I stayed. Tom and I share a life (at this moment in time) that is right for the two of us. It will get hard again and it will get better again -- but it is what it is. Its my life.......

Monday, August 1, 2011

Where We Live

Anonymous TX wondered where we all live.
Its an interesting question.
We are all kind of protective of our identities in different ways.
and yet, because we help each other, we are also curious about each other.

I am in the Washington DC area -- along with a few million others.
Texas is pretty big also.
I am GUESSING that Lilly may live somewhere in the upper midwest - but I don't know
and that DW lives out west

I have no idea where Sandy lives -- for some reason I pick New Jersey! Just because I want to pick New Jersey!

there really aren't very many of us who "talk" with each other
I have pictures in my head of what the other ladies look like
(of course Sandy is brave enough to have her picture on her page! I'm not there!)
I want to use this place to vent too often and so prefer to try not to be known

So, I think Lilly is short with curly hair
I think DW is slender with long dark hair...

ok, I'll stop now but these are the silly things I do to entertain myself
its a sad life.....

hope you get my sarcasm tonight.

sleep well.......

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Anonymity and Misunderstandings

Here is what Anonymous TX wrote to me:

After reading all the new posts...I got worried
that I had said something...but think I was hurt by the comment about you thinking my DH following me in the car was scary or creepy...
I meant it to be that he would try to drive in an diabetic alterted state and it would be scary for me not how you said it...or the way I took I stopped posting for a few days to think about what I say before I write.
Well, I read your latest post and thought I had said something offensive...but I checked other posts and saw the anonymous post suggesting that we all leave our DH instead of complaining and I really was offended...we stay
or I do because I do love him in some way...and in the beginning it was totally different...we were happy and in 40 years later and 27 years into diabetes.. it's different but as so many of you said...I won't leave for someone else to let him die...
and of course those wedding vows...I just am so thankful that I found a place where I can vent and be understood by 99% of everyone..and as for the post "why don't we leave" me that is someone who is NOT walking in our shoes...I need this site for daily sanity...I feel that some or you girls are worst off and some better than I but we are all in this boat and I have come to learn so much...especially that this disease has a heavy mental toll..not just a physical one...sure wish the DR's would see that side...that is the part that hurts so deeply...think I could stand the physical if only DH would appreciate a little more and show a little more kindness...know you all understand..and for that I thank GOD! Please keep posting...ignore those who are ignorant and continue to help those who understand the daily life with a DH....Thanks again for letting me vent....TX DW

and here is my response:
I am sorry if I said something that hurt your feelings or gave the impression that I was less than 100% supportive of you.
I can't speak for everyone -- but most of us wives do not judge each other
even when we are in different situations -- we understand....
we are looking for what you are looking for -- some kindness
a place to share -- to vent -- some sanity
we get judged every day and from just about everyone else
we don't want it here in this little corner of the cyberworld

we share ideas, we share feelings, we just share...
you are correct, I thought you were afraid of his following you in a creepy way
but the point of my other blog, was that even if he was in a bad/low insulin place
and got behind the wheel of a car -- I was so determined to make him responsible for his own actions that I would have hidden his keys and left anyway.
sometimes the only way to make these guys understand is shock therapy
(and not the Dr. Frankenstein version)
Not saying I was right - just that it was the moment in time for me!

One more comment on this issue that I feel I need to say. Some wives do leave their husbands. There are times when despite their love, and their caring, and everything that they have done to take care of that man they married so many years ago, they simply must go -- to protect themselves. That's ok too. There can be so many reasons for that -- We (at least me) don't judge that either. I have read some posts over the years where it sounds like the only alternative -- for all we know the husband was abusive before the diabetes which only made it worse, or the diabetes caused some brain damage that no one knows about and just can't be reversed. The wife simply has no alternative but to save herself -- and maybe her kids.

So, just to clarify -- NO JUDGEMENT! JUST SHARING!

if you ever, ever are hurt or confused -- let us know
its probably just because we didn't understand your words
its one of the challenges of black letters on white background
there is no nuance, no facial expression, no change in voice

clearly my words are often misunderstood
I like to think that I have a wry sense of humor
(whatever that means -- is that supposed to be rye?) ha ha
but it doesn't always come across

and yes, my first concern is always for my fellow wives
I kind of get defensive there - even though I have never met or spoken to a single one of you

and you, Anonymous TX, in particular - always identify which anonymous person you are.
I have missed your posts. I noticed.....
I believe that the Anonymous who sent that message to Lily is the same one who sent me and others a similar message. This person appears to be a mean coward OR is someone who truly does not understand our situation. Otherwise why use such harsh language?

After all of my words, please don't stop writing,
If I say something that hurts your feelings, or you don't understand,
PLEASE call me on it
it was probably just my rushing writing style

Take care everyone
lets keep the communication flowing
even if we misunderstand each other......

Tom's Wife

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Commenting on Others Posts

Reading posts by Diabetic Wife and Lilly - some comments just came to mind and prompted me to write my own ramblings........

On Family:
Several years ago we moved to be closer to my family --- and his. His is still about 4 hours away by car -- but that's better than 12 and about as close as either of us could handle. :)

My family clearly challenges me sometimes, but I am grateful to be here. There is no doubt in my mind, that every one will drop every thing for me if I ever need anything.

On one of Tom's trips to the ER in the middle of the night, I thought about which one of them I would call if I needed someone with me at the hospital. (I drove my own car -- which is horrible by the way if you haven't done that. It is very scary driving behind and wondering if they were able to revive him, racing to the hospital at 2 am, hoping that if a cop pulled up, he would know you were appropriately following the ambulance.!)

The point is that I have three sisters within a couple of miles of me who I could have woken up and they would have been at my side within minutes -- probably with their husbands! I am so grateful for that I can't express it. They would also take the burden of talking with my parents and his mother if I needed them to -- and for that too I'm grateful. Sometimes the thought of making a bunch of calls after an "episode" like that is too tough for me.

On "Just Getting a Divorce"
Leaving a marriage is a very difficult thing -- no matter the cause -- so many people are involved: the husband, the wife, the children, the husband's birth family, the wife's birth family, and the social and work circles in which both evolve. It is never a decision that affects only one person.

And even if it did - one asks herself: How can I leave this man that I loved to die alone? I have worked so many years to help him and saved his life so many times in so many ways? If I leave, he will surely die, how can he live without me?

But he has also done some fabulous things for me, remember when he just held me when I cried that time? how about the time that he..... We have wonderful memories of these men....

I remember one time thinking -- if I leave him and someone asks me, what happened, why did you leave him and my answer is -- oh, he got sick and I couldn't tolerate it any more. what kind of person does that make me? how do you leave someone you love because they got sick? I would hate that kind of person! Am I really that kind of person?

You see, this is a really complicated issue. And if you think this makes me sound selfish - so be it.

And, I will return to my "tirade" against the medical industry. Diabetes has two components: they physical and the mental/emotional. The Medical Industry addresses the physical -- they measure chemicals in the blood and think they know what they are talking about. But they don't know anything about how the brain works - that's where this disease is affecting behavior. We believe that our husbands are suffering from how the disease affects their brains. it is the impact on their behavior that is the real crisis of this disease. These ill people have a disorder in their brains that impairs their ability to take appropriate medication, to control their tempers, to manage their pain, etc. Maybe this brain impairment is "self-imposed" because they didn't take the proper care earlier in their lives -- but blame is irrelevant -- we are here today and we have to deal with what is happening in our (and their) lives.

Sometimes - we have to take care of ourselves and our children because there just is no other avenue -- the ill patient that we used to love just no longer exists and self preservation wins out. But other times, we need to stay -- we need to see this through. We need to do every single thing that is in our power to help. We can't leave a dying man on the sidewalk for other people to kick.

if we get some comfort from posting our angst, anxiety, and pain (and occasional joy) on this site, well last I heard we were free to do that. If someone is offended by reading any of this. Then you are quite free to not read it.

People who want to criticize us are NOT welcome to tell us -- we don't want to hear that
we only want to hear support on this particular site.
that's what we are hear for.

I guess I had something to say.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Responding to Comments from last post

It seemed like several questions revolved around the one that asked if my marriage got better -- will it ever be like it was when we first got married?

We will never have the marriage we had when we were younger, of course
And yes my marriage got better

but its not necessarily a direct path

you see, while he changed, so did I!
I have stopped enabling him and he has had to take care of himself

I remove myself from situations where he can hurt me -- verbally or otherwise -- if at all possible

I understand that we are not all in the same place
and I feel sorry for the wife who believes her DH will follow her if she left

that sounds creepy and scary

but I have a new sense of self confidence and just try not to accept "bad" behavior from him anymore

its not perfect but its better.

good luck.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Labels, Leaving, On Notice...
I have been reading my friends posts and painfully remember a horrible period in our marriage not long ago when I was seriously considering leaving Tom

with a great deal of help, I changed my behavior -- I literally stopped enabling him
I stopped helping him
I stopped arguing
stopped asking about his meds
stopped asking about the tests
stopped everything

if he was low (which happened multiple times a day) I handed him some juice and left the house
even if it was the middle of the night
I just took a drive

I called in all my chips -- spoke to his brother, spoke to my sister, spoke to every friend I had
asked for the support I didn't know I had

it was just about the hardest thing I did

I remember one night when I left the house - it was February and freezing outside
I was absolutely certain that he would be dead when I returned

but I just forced myself to stay away from the house for two hours
amazingly, when I returned, he was fine
not just fine
but he had eaten, cleaned the kitchen, and was waiting for me

It has certainly not been perfect since then -- but it has been much better
I don't know what happened during those two hours -- we never discussed it
but I still don't help

I'll give him juice and walk away
I don't go to the doctor
I don't argue

if he wants to die -- he can
if he wants to be angry and yell at someone -- its not going to be me

He changed -- but so did I
I simply won't accept his entitled behavior anymore
25 years is enough

it has changed our relationship

of course it could change again
but I hope I can stick to my guns

none of us should have to accept it

but we have to change to
we have to figure out how to stand up and show them that we will not permit them to be whiners, dependents, in other words, be their moms

first we have to show them what we expect -- not with words but with actions
its not being mean or nasty
its being a self-respecting human being

this is not meant to say everyone should be like me
but I only learned this because a very smart person taught it to me
and it worked for me -- at least so far

hoping that someone else may get something to think about from my experience

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Been Catching Up

Its been a busy summer for me
I am wrapping up my job before "retiring" to my next career step
its the best feeling in the world

Tom is being great -- he is taking care of himself and being supportive of me
its a nice change of pace
I hope it continues

reading the other DW's blogs, they are not having so much luck
(and I know my turn will come - so I am very sympathetic)

And yet, I don't see myself as kind as others
Getting up to feed him a fourth meal while he sits there whining? not happening -- feed yourself -- I'll be somewhere else.
Getting up in the middle of the nite when he doesn't hear the beeps? Been there done that -- not sure I'll do that any more.
Trying to fix the windows in order to sell the house while I'm in pain? ok, maybe, I would do that - but I would probably kick him out first and do it on my schedule and only when I feel good and wouldn't share any of the money I get from selling the house with him.

Of course you know I say all of this with a little bit of sarcasm
its easy to say what i would do when I am not in those shoes

I remember someone telling me not to help Tom when he was in a low
oh, yeah, just let him die!
of course, that's so easy!
I'll just go to sleep while he goes into a coma beside me
when I wake up in the morning he will be dead and I will calmly call the paramedics
no problem
easy as pie

this is the man I married 25 years ago
I love him (or at least I used to)

what has life become?

going from one crisis to another?

Its a good thing I love to work
I am hoping that I can make a ton of money in the next 10 years
I can dream and wish and hope that I can buy my way out of this
what do you think?
will that work?

probably not
but dreams are dreams

clearly its time for me to go to sleep tonight
hope you get a good night's sleep tonight also

sometimes its all we can hope for....

Sunday, July 3, 2011

A little Catch up

I've been traveling for a few weeks so I got behind on my blog
finally posted a few messages from my last one - read them - they are important

Our 25th anniversary is Tuesday and Tom is being super nice and healthy
I am taking the opportunity to be thankful
we are starting my next work venture together
it feels very nice -- and I am trying to stay focused
trying not to think about when that other shoe is going to drop

my days like DW will come - I just hope I can put them off for a little longer.....

Friday, June 17, 2011

Lots of comments on "Risk"

Usually I simply post the comments I receive
it seems this touched a nerve and people want more details
a number of people feel like they are safe because of the manner in which they post

in presenting my friend's information as I did, the intent was to "disguise" the details
this was in part to protect my friend and in part to advise that nothing is safe.

Most people probably don't know that most identity theft is initiated by someone the victim knows! rather than by a stranger. I don't mean one or two credit cards being stolen but true identity theft.

In my friend's case, well, I will let her tell it: (again edited so the key points - in my opinion -- come shining through!)

I was on my own personal computer using an internet server I pay for from my home. My husband's previous employer hacked in and trolled the key-strokes on my personal computer and followed me through the web to find my blog. They then twisted what I said and used it against him. So, he was given the choice to step down or publically defend himself against charges of being a wife beater. He did not want me to have to defend him. He did not want his employer to know we were fighting these charges. He stepped down and assures me it's a blessing in disguise.

Horrible for friend and husband - in this case husband is a true hero - friend has frequently told me that even though he frustrates the heck out of her when he doesn't take care of himself, he is always her rock.

I think that is true with many of us
and its why it is so heartbreaking when these heroes of ours lose themselves
we spent so many years counting on them - relying on them
then it seems like one day we woke up and realized that we couldn't do that any more
they stopped taking care of them selves -- they stopped being the rock-solid hero in our lives
all of a sudden - at age 50 or 40 -- 0r whatever
we had to be the hero in our own life
not what we signed up for
not what we wanted in our life

and then it all gets compounded by "normal" life problems
computers getting hacked
crappy work events
past husbands
parents who need help
kids who get in trouble

there is no need to panic
and no need to be smug
just use good common sense
and keep moving forward
its all any of us can do

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A New Type of Risk

A friend of mine writes a blog - one of those stream of consciousness ones like we do here
we get the "big" stuff out so we can go back to being super wife away from our computer

well, somehow in a totally unrelated set of circumstances, her husband's employer found about her blog. He has been demoted and her computer was confiscated! How does this happen in today's society? what happened to the first amendment?

Needless to say, my friend (and her husband) are devastated!
I can only imagine.

I am wondering if I need to go back to what I've written and reconsider what is stored here.
for all my whining, I would never want to put Tom's job at risk
that never occurred to me!


what do you think?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

thanks for the support

your comments were great
DH is my hero
she started this, she gives THE BEST advice
and everyone else is terrific
all of the comments were great!

Monday, June 13, 2011

quick update

I am traveling for work so not much time to write
1) if a person doesn't like what I write, that person does not need to read my blog. don't write nasty comments, just don't read.
2) if my writing helps just one person then I am happy to keep writing - it has helped me - and it helps in part because there are others who share the life of living with a diabetic
3) a friend told me this past weekend about a tv show called "sister wives" -- I didn't know what it was -- so when we were calling ourselves that, I didn't know what it meant -- wow!!!! I don't think I want to use that moniker anymore. we have lots in common - but we really don't have the exact same husband -- yick!

back to my old comment?
sleep well tonight

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day 2011

I have spent the last hour or so catching up on everyone else's blogs
commenting on others' issues has taken awhile and was fun

I'm trying to make a career change so I don't have time for Tom's crap
He knows that I simply cannot take care of him right now
If I don't pull this off just right, I will be out of work -- and that means one half of our income
that scares both of us -- but he freaks over the thought of only his salary supporting us
so I'm hoping that he will take care of himself and leave me alone to focus where I need to focus

He is doing OK -- he has had some minor lows - low enough that I notice -but not bad enough to require significant intervention. No major blow ups -- I just suggest he not wear two tee shirts and offer the appropriate socks and suggest he drink some juice and walk away. this has worked these last few weeks. I refuse to engage in verbal battles with him. if he starts to argue -- I walk out. fortunately our house is big enough that i can find another room where I can hide. Oops! I mean be alone. Whatever, he fixes himself when I don't fix him and its been ok.

This weekend, I helped my baby sister (51 years old but always the baby of the family) paint her living room). She is many years divorced and just bought her house. she has never painted a room - but I have painted almost every room of my house - more than once. Its a relatively cheap way to make a room feel like new. so I helped her. it gives her confidence and helps her and just cost me a little time. so I did a good thing and it was fine.

that's my update tonight
I did spend my few moments of giving thanks for all of our veterans and their families
for all they have given to us
I wish war would go away
but until it does -- I'm grateful for the people who fight for my freedom
take care

Thursday, May 19, 2011


I do not like dis-harmony
it feels like there is a great deal of cacaphony in my life right now
I am not a musician but I love music
harmony, soothing tunes, calming melodies, you know....
This is something I "inherited" from my dad
so, when there is discord in my life, I just want to hide

my work life is VERY stressful -- you probably guessed that
my family (meaning my sisters, parents, nieces/nephews, etc.) are raising issues
its too much
its nonsense
its unnecessary
there is no benefit

Tom is fine from a health standpoint right now
but he is being a jerk lately
and truly I think its related to his illness
his irritability and his glucose levels appear to be related -
he is so restrictive in his food and he keeps his glucose so low that he can't be happy

so I need to figure out to just find peace despite all this noise
let them be loud and disagreeable - I will just look for the quiet --
in a month I will get to have a weekend alone
I can look forward to that

I'll start counting the days

Monday, May 9, 2011

Its a New Day

I took the weekend off
I didn't read the posts and didn't respond to anyone else's
There are times when we just need a break
sometimes its short, sometimes its long
this time it was a few days
its just that so much is going on in my life right now
and amazingly Tom is taking care of himself
at least for a few days
all of us know that this is only a temporary thing
at any moment that could change
but I'll take advantage of it when I can
for now, I'll appreciate it

and, I'll feel sympathy for Lilly, DW, Sandy and the others.
they deserve my prayers.
some of them are having some pretty tough times

good luck and hope you get a good night's sleep

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Don't Feel Well

I'm fine - but not feeling great
I have an eye infection and my whole system is down
then today, when I was leaving work, there was a soda spill on the floor
I didn't see it and fell -- hard
nothing broken -- but I'm bruised and just feel like crap

fortunately Tom is "behaving" tonight
how is it that he seems to understand that this is one of those nights when I really could not take care of him no matter what

Tons of stupid family garbage over the weekend also
but I'm too tired to talk about it

just take my word for it
some people don't understand the definition of family
they are selfish and don't care if they hurt their parents
more on that another time

hope you are doing better than me tonight

Tom's Wife

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I'm Not Doing it!

I refuse!
he is sitting on the sofa across from me
he refuses to drink the juice I set down for him
he is "falling asleep" sitting up
I'm not going to save him
if he passes out - let him
too bad
why should I fight with him
and have him call me names
say mean things to me
essentially save his life
so he can do it more?
how long can I do this?
I don't know
but I just don't want to do it?
let him save his own life.....

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lots of Advice

As I read some of our posts, I reflect
we (and I mean me) are so full of advice for others
but maybe its me I'm projecting
maybe its what I'm projecting I wish I could do

Truly I feel horrible for what others go through
in comparison, my situation is a piece of cake
and yet I feel challenged to deal with it
I have days when I want to walk away

Before the garage door fiasco, we had a nice weekend
since then -- all downhill
mr. Jerk-o has returned
I don't know how much of it is sugar-related and how much of it is just his personality
how do you tell
tonight was definitely low-sugar
Sunday nite was not
last night was just stupid pig-headedness

on tv, the wife gets to tell the husband to sleep on the couch
how come I can't even get him to sleep in the second bedroom?
I am the one who has to do that!
he can be such a jerk!
I don't care if it is because of low sugar
that shouldn't give him license to be mean and inconsiderate and nasty

but then, I'm telling you what you know.
why would he purposely get in the car, knowing he needs sugar
and then blame it on me, because "I asked for Chinese food?"

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What's the Deal?

After a great weekend, Tom shut the garage door on his car and broke the garage door!
DW's husband drank caldryl instead of pepto bismal
Lynn's husband is reading the numbers and eating sugar like crazy anyway (oops that's all of them!)

the dramatic, unpredictable behavior of our husbands is hard to take

I actually feel real admiration for the person who wrote to DW about leaving her DH
I don't believe that marriage is the be all end all to the world
when its great, its great
but if the relationship is being abused - then its ok to leave
when I read some of the blogs and comments
I wonder how some of my "sister wives" can stay
sometimes I wonder how I can stay

In my case, there are still more good days than bad
but then again, Tom is very functional
he plays tennis multiple times a week
he works at his place of employment at least 5 days a week

I guess maybe I never shared that before
but Tom is VERY healthy - compared to some of your husbands
that doesn't make him any more compliant
it doesn't make him any more predictable
it doesn't make him any more easy to deal with

there are many other things that are very scary
but that's for another post

My point is
1) their "mood" swings are VERY scary
2) sometimes a person just has to leave

at the end of the day, each of us has to take care of ourselves

p.s., fortunately it was the garage door not the car that got broken and it got fixed quickly

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Nice Weekend

Its been a nice weekend
I can breathe for a moment
we did lots of yard work together
I can really appreciate the time

Hope others also had a pleasant time

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tonight -- Comments

I will take a page from DW and respond to some of the comments recently received.

Lilly writes:
And let us not forget Crazy Wife, who is also dealing with 2 (2! WOW) sets of twins to make life even more interesting! I do agree, that blogging is where we can let it all go and say what is on our minds, as we are keeping it all together the rest of the time dealing with our DHs. And I too am very grateful that we have a little community of "sisters" blogging away and comparing notes. There are so many days that it helps so much!

Yes, Lilly, once I went to bad last night, I remembered Crazy Wife and Lynn!
and there are several named "Anonymous"
we all understand the desire to not have a name - so that could be multiple people
thanks to one and all!

Then there is NewToThis:
What a crazy zoo your family event must have been. I cannot imagine. Did you manage to get Tom's low under control? Did all the help from the side line calm down?
I think my family events are always zoos! Yes Tom got under control pretty quickly and the family members quickly went on to other topics -- the pregnant niece, the newly married niece, the nephew going to grad school, you know.....

And, Sandy, we really are in this together aren't we? isn't it amazing that you get me better than my family who have known me for more than 50 years?
I can see a low from a mile away in my hubby too!!!!!!!!!! :) sad that the one comment of not helping him came up. I guess you have to chaulk that up to just not understanding Diabetes. I love the don't overdose lol gotta laugh right ? :)

On a totally different tangent, I received a very interesting question from a friend of mine.
when I had told her about this blogging she thought it was great that we were supporting each other but she wanted to know how I could tell who was legitimate and who was scamming us.

My response was -- why would anyone waste their time trying to scam us?
we are all anonymous
we are just sharing stories of our burdens
I don't get the problem

My friend said that some people just get laughs by making fun of other people who are dealing with serious issues

any thoughts?

I would hate to think that someone would do that with us and I can't imagine any of our group being that way, but thought I would throw it out there