Tigo wrote to DW about falling in love with a diabetic and wondering about her future......
Dear DW
Hello! Thank God I found your blog, you have no idea how I wish I could
talk to someone who understands, not only understands but knows exactly
how I feel. I have met this amazing handsome guy, he is 34 and I am 28.
He is diabetic, diagnosed at the age of 19, applies 4 shots a day. We
have been going out for two months but we already feel very connected.
At our age we talk about a future together. At first I was really
excited at finding someone so special, but when my dad met him, he told
me the consequences of being with a diabetic and how this could be
inherited to my kids. It has kept me worried, and crying all the time, I
wish I could ignore diabetes, but I can't, firstly, I am worried my
kids might get it, and secondly, all of the things posted on your blog
are shocking, I am reaaaally into him, but my doubts keep coming and
coming....I just wanted to tell you how I feel, my relationship is
bitter sweet, and I can't imagine what my married life would be...any
words of wisdom or hope are helpful...I will pray for you and your
significant others..thanks for the opportunity.
.
So here is my response:
My type 1 diabetic husband, Tom, was diagnosed at age 21. Type 1 diabetes is still considered to be NOT an inherited disease while Type 2 is considered to be carried through DNA. But science isn't really clear about the causes of either. So before jumping to any conclusions, I recommend discussing this with him.
Second, it is true that you can not ignore the diabetes but you can face it. On blogs, we write out our frustrations and our fears -- typically we write out the worst case scenarios --because its the best place to put our pain. people who are happy tend to write about it less often -- they don't need to.
In my case, I have been married 25 years and my diabetic husband (who is almost 60) has none of the problems that DW's husband has. True we have had other problems over time -- he went through a period of denial, he is a terrible driver which is compounded by his occasional driving when having a low sugar.
these can be scary events. However, if you choose to continue a relationship with this "amazing, handsome, guy, you are going into it with way more knowledge than any us. Your dad is smart to advise you to be aware.
For what it is worth, my suggestion would be to start talking with your young man and your dad. Discuss what is on these blogs. Read other information -- as much as you can get your hands on. Read Michael Hoskins' blog - he is one my followers -- he is a compliant diabetic who is very understanding. If your young man is non-compliant and/or in denial, then yes, you may want to be very wary. However, if he is aware and takes care of himself, there is no reason you can't have a long happy healthy life with children with him.
Get more educated before making a decision!
Best wishes for getting through a tough time.
Tom's Wife
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
My Response to batgirlnj
I wanted to comment on another of DW's blog entries --
this one from batgrlnj who is diabetic and is not certain she quite understands our point of view.
some of her words:
..... you mention being a normal diabetes caregiver for your partners. Even when I was non-compliant my husband never allowed himself to be my 'caregiver'. As long as I am physically functioning and there are no other issues like you have had to deal with, then there is no reason for anyone other than myself to care..for myself. .... however I cannot imagine my husband needing to change even an iota of his lifestyle to take care of ANY of my diabetic needs. If I did not tell you that I was diabetic you would have no idea. ...
Here are my thoughts on this :
I do not consider myself to be my husband's caregiver. I have no idea what medications he takes (I am aware that he takes two different types of insulin - but not what they are nor what dosages) he takes other stuff also -- I guess for cholesterol and something else -- but I don't really know. Additionally, Tom is a type 1 who strictly manages his diet and exercise (he weighs the same as he did in high school and he is about to turn 60 years old). He tries very hard to keep his glucose at around 100. He is terrified of experiencing the side effects that impact people with high sugars over prolonged periods of time.
That being said - from time to time, he experiences coma-inducing lows. If you do not have these -- and your glucose is steady then I applaud you. When we were younger -- probably in our mid-40's -- Tom started having these at 2 am at least once a week. What would your husband do if you suddenly went into diabetic shock at 2 am? I can't believe that he would just sleep through it and do nothing! Of course not. He would get you juice or a tablet or call 911. It is what any human being would do.
The problem is that when it happens once or twice -- its no big deal. But the diabetic's life is difficult. Once their glucose levels get out of whack like that, it is difficult to get back into control. I'm probably not telling you something you don't know. But I wonder how your husband doesn't need to change his lifestyle "one iota". When we went through one period like this -- I didn't sleep a full night for more than a month. believe me, that changed my lifestyle.
Was I angry at Tom? Yes, did I really blame him? I don't know - I recognize how difficult his life is. But its really difficult being on the sidelines -- dealing with the consequences with no input into the activities that affect the outcome. and yes, I got cranky and angry and lashed out.
I think in a nut-shell that may be what is the core of some our laments on these blogs.
We love our spouses, we are willing to help them -- knowing they have a terrible disease
but over time, they make decisions that have consequences that have big impacts on our lives
sometimes the impacts don't last long - one night of sleep
sometimes the impacts lead to years of failing health and increasing care required
and sometimes the impacts are a changed person with emotional outcomes that become abusive to the spouse.
It becomes a very difficult life for some.
These outcomes are difficult to foresee
but they are not the same for everyone.
They are not the only outcome for every diabetic
but if you are one of the people living with one of those diabetics
even for a short period of time
life can be awful!
Support for the spouse - in terms of understanding the pain of (1) being treated poorly when you know the diabetic is suffering also (2) knowing your kids are being affected (3) knowing you married a person you loved -- for better or worse and in sickness and in health...
That's the type of support John and all of us are looking for. We don't need someone to tell us how to give better shots, or encourage spouse when s/he is depressed about having diabetes, or how to tell strangers about his disease. and yet, this is the type of support we often see offered by the main stream organizations. I believe that this is the frustrations you may detect in our posts.
Hopefully this post has given you a different perspective on the subject.
Thank you for contributing to the conversation
Its great to hear from a different perspective
this one from batgrlnj who is diabetic and is not certain she quite understands our point of view.
some of her words:
..... you mention being a normal diabetes caregiver for your partners. Even when I was non-compliant my husband never allowed himself to be my 'caregiver'. As long as I am physically functioning and there are no other issues like you have had to deal with, then there is no reason for anyone other than myself to care..for myself. .... however I cannot imagine my husband needing to change even an iota of his lifestyle to take care of ANY of my diabetic needs. If I did not tell you that I was diabetic you would have no idea. ...
Here are my thoughts on this :
I do not consider myself to be my husband's caregiver. I have no idea what medications he takes (I am aware that he takes two different types of insulin - but not what they are nor what dosages) he takes other stuff also -- I guess for cholesterol and something else -- but I don't really know. Additionally, Tom is a type 1 who strictly manages his diet and exercise (he weighs the same as he did in high school and he is about to turn 60 years old). He tries very hard to keep his glucose at around 100. He is terrified of experiencing the side effects that impact people with high sugars over prolonged periods of time.
That being said - from time to time, he experiences coma-inducing lows. If you do not have these -- and your glucose is steady then I applaud you. When we were younger -- probably in our mid-40's -- Tom started having these at 2 am at least once a week. What would your husband do if you suddenly went into diabetic shock at 2 am? I can't believe that he would just sleep through it and do nothing! Of course not. He would get you juice or a tablet or call 911. It is what any human being would do.
The problem is that when it happens once or twice -- its no big deal. But the diabetic's life is difficult. Once their glucose levels get out of whack like that, it is difficult to get back into control. I'm probably not telling you something you don't know. But I wonder how your husband doesn't need to change his lifestyle "one iota". When we went through one period like this -- I didn't sleep a full night for more than a month. believe me, that changed my lifestyle.
Was I angry at Tom? Yes, did I really blame him? I don't know - I recognize how difficult his life is. But its really difficult being on the sidelines -- dealing with the consequences with no input into the activities that affect the outcome. and yes, I got cranky and angry and lashed out.
I think in a nut-shell that may be what is the core of some our laments on these blogs.
We love our spouses, we are willing to help them -- knowing they have a terrible disease
but over time, they make decisions that have consequences that have big impacts on our lives
sometimes the impacts don't last long - one night of sleep
sometimes the impacts lead to years of failing health and increasing care required
and sometimes the impacts are a changed person with emotional outcomes that become abusive to the spouse.
It becomes a very difficult life for some.
These outcomes are difficult to foresee
but they are not the same for everyone.
They are not the only outcome for every diabetic
but if you are one of the people living with one of those diabetics
even for a short period of time
life can be awful!
Support for the spouse - in terms of understanding the pain of (1) being treated poorly when you know the diabetic is suffering also (2) knowing your kids are being affected (3) knowing you married a person you loved -- for better or worse and in sickness and in health...
That's the type of support John and all of us are looking for. We don't need someone to tell us how to give better shots, or encourage spouse when s/he is depressed about having diabetes, or how to tell strangers about his disease. and yet, this is the type of support we often see offered by the main stream organizations. I believe that this is the frustrations you may detect in our posts.
Hopefully this post has given you a different perspective on the subject.
Thank you for contributing to the conversation
Its great to hear from a different perspective
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Glucagons
It is always moving when we read of others' stress when dealing with diabetes
We know we are not alone
we want to tell others they are not alone
we want to show support
In some cases it is heartbreaking...
In reading some of DW's posts this week, the topic of glucagons came up
Paula, who has been married to a diabetic for 40+ years writes:
My best friend at this stage of the game is the glucagon kit. I keep two on hand at all times, carry one in my purse if we are out and about. ...
And, DW responds with her aversion to carrying one.
I think it is an interesting conversation
We don't have one in the house now -- although we have in the past
and have discussed getting it again
Personally, I tried once to give Tom a shot when he was very low
and almost got a black eye for my trouble
when he gets very low, he will swing out to protect himself
maybe one is only supposed to go to the glucogon when he is actually already passed out
but I tried it when he was incoherent, and going back and forth between passed out and raving mad
this was many years ago -- we were both MUCH younger
we have married 25 years now -- so -- much older and know each other better
but I don't like needles much either
Furthermore, if a stranger shows up (a paramedic or even a neighbor) Tom seems to realize -- even if he is in a near-coma -- that he needs to pay attention and let them administer to him
when its me, he doesn't want me near him
so a stranger doesn't get hit -- but I would
so, I am willing to have it in the house again -- but I would probably ask one of my neighbors to come oner and inject him -- if I were at a restaurant -- I would ask a stranger
if he is capable - I would try to pour some type of sugar drink into his mouth.
I would like to hear about other thoughts on this
I really don't like the idea of the glucagon and hope I don't need to learn to use it
I understand DW's perspective on if he is not going to take care of himself, why should she?
I would be very interested to understand more about when Paula needs to use it for her husband.
interesting issues......
We know we are not alone
we want to tell others they are not alone
we want to show support
In some cases it is heartbreaking...
In reading some of DW's posts this week, the topic of glucagons came up
Paula, who has been married to a diabetic for 40+ years writes:
My best friend at this stage of the game is the glucagon kit. I keep two on hand at all times, carry one in my purse if we are out and about. ...
And, DW responds with her aversion to carrying one.
I think it is an interesting conversation
We don't have one in the house now -- although we have in the past
and have discussed getting it again
Personally, I tried once to give Tom a shot when he was very low
and almost got a black eye for my trouble
when he gets very low, he will swing out to protect himself
maybe one is only supposed to go to the glucogon when he is actually already passed out
but I tried it when he was incoherent, and going back and forth between passed out and raving mad
this was many years ago -- we were both MUCH younger
we have married 25 years now -- so -- much older and know each other better
but I don't like needles much either
Furthermore, if a stranger shows up (a paramedic or even a neighbor) Tom seems to realize -- even if he is in a near-coma -- that he needs to pay attention and let them administer to him
when its me, he doesn't want me near him
so a stranger doesn't get hit -- but I would
so, I am willing to have it in the house again -- but I would probably ask one of my neighbors to come oner and inject him -- if I were at a restaurant -- I would ask a stranger
if he is capable - I would try to pour some type of sugar drink into his mouth.
I would like to hear about other thoughts on this
I really don't like the idea of the glucagon and hope I don't need to learn to use it
I understand DW's perspective on if he is not going to take care of himself, why should she?
I would be very interested to understand more about when Paula needs to use it for her husband.
interesting issues......
Shout Out to Lilly
Lilly,
you haven't posted lately, just wanted to check in and make sure you are doing ok
Clearly last year was tough
hope 2012 is starting out better
you haven't posted lately, just wanted to check in and make sure you are doing ok
Clearly last year was tough
hope 2012 is starting out better
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Driving, Posting, Reacting to Abuse
Thanks for all of your comments.
First, as it regards Tom's driving -- Tom is an aggressive, terrible driver when his sugar is exactly 100.
I almost always insist that he test before I will get in the car with him driving now -- and even before I let him drive by himself if I'm around.
He looks at driving as a race - he needs to beat the other cars - whether to an exit on the expressway, to the stop light, or to his destination.
Last week we had a CONVERSATION. I told him he had to do something about it and I was no longer going to stand by and just let it happen. I was now going to be his very verbal conscience. I pointed out many things that he does while driving that is dangerous and unnecessary. He told me that he thought of me frequently this week while driving to work.
Also when driving together, I am now commenting on dangerous activities and commending safe activities. I have never wanted to take this role But I have found that I must. Otherwise this may get taken out of my hands. He may lose his license and I will have to become his chauffeur. I don't like driving that much and would HATE that. So instead I will become the nag. He will either get better at this or ...... whatever.
Did I tell you that his insurance just went up 30% because of an accident he had last year? the accident had nothing to do with his diabetes -- just bad driving. The higher insurance rate hit him hard. That probably made more of an impact on him than anything else. Money talks to him like nothing else. but because of it, he is more willing to listen to me.
Also, thank you Michael Hoskins for letting me know that the wife of a longtime Type 1 husband posted on the D-Mine website this week. Sometimes I see these things and sometimes I don't Appreciate the heads up.
The recent posts re non-compliant husbands is breaking my heart. The men are getting older and I believe the disease is eating away at part of their brains causing them to lash out at the ones closest to them -- their supporting and loving wives. The wives can only take so much. There was an article in last Sunday's Washington Post Magazine about a woman whose husband suffered major brain damage. Eventually, she divorced him and married a different man, and together they care for the first husband. There has been quite a bit of commentary about this -- some critical saying the woman was acting selfishly others saying she was handling a bad situation gracefully. My point is that there is no absolute right and wrong. Each person has to figure it out on their own. If a husband (or wife) gets to the point where there abusive activity is greater than their non-abusive activity, I believe it is time to consider other options -- no matter how painful that gets.
Tom and I have started talking about this. Now before he gets that way, he wants to talk about it and make plans. I am a very lucky person indeed.
Thank you, other wives, for helping me be aware of the potential future so I can talk to Tom about what may be in store for me.
First, as it regards Tom's driving -- Tom is an aggressive, terrible driver when his sugar is exactly 100.
I almost always insist that he test before I will get in the car with him driving now -- and even before I let him drive by himself if I'm around.
He looks at driving as a race - he needs to beat the other cars - whether to an exit on the expressway, to the stop light, or to his destination.
Last week we had a CONVERSATION. I told him he had to do something about it and I was no longer going to stand by and just let it happen. I was now going to be his very verbal conscience. I pointed out many things that he does while driving that is dangerous and unnecessary. He told me that he thought of me frequently this week while driving to work.
Also when driving together, I am now commenting on dangerous activities and commending safe activities. I have never wanted to take this role But I have found that I must. Otherwise this may get taken out of my hands. He may lose his license and I will have to become his chauffeur. I don't like driving that much and would HATE that. So instead I will become the nag. He will either get better at this or ...... whatever.
Did I tell you that his insurance just went up 30% because of an accident he had last year? the accident had nothing to do with his diabetes -- just bad driving. The higher insurance rate hit him hard. That probably made more of an impact on him than anything else. Money talks to him like nothing else. but because of it, he is more willing to listen to me.
Also, thank you Michael Hoskins for letting me know that the wife of a longtime Type 1 husband posted on the D-Mine website this week. Sometimes I see these things and sometimes I don't Appreciate the heads up.
The recent posts re non-compliant husbands is breaking my heart. The men are getting older and I believe the disease is eating away at part of their brains causing them to lash out at the ones closest to them -- their supporting and loving wives. The wives can only take so much. There was an article in last Sunday's Washington Post Magazine about a woman whose husband suffered major brain damage. Eventually, she divorced him and married a different man, and together they care for the first husband. There has been quite a bit of commentary about this -- some critical saying the woman was acting selfishly others saying she was handling a bad situation gracefully. My point is that there is no absolute right and wrong. Each person has to figure it out on their own. If a husband (or wife) gets to the point where there abusive activity is greater than their non-abusive activity, I believe it is time to consider other options -- no matter how painful that gets.
Tom and I have started talking about this. Now before he gets that way, he wants to talk about it and make plans. I am a very lucky person indeed.
Thank you, other wives, for helping me be aware of the potential future so I can talk to Tom about what may be in store for me.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Husband's Lament
On one of the major diabetes sites, a husband wrote about how difficult it is to live with a diabetic spouse
I thought his comments were very similar to our own
although they did not display some of the anger we sometimes show -- after all we are writing our own blogs -- we can write without editorial control
It is interesting to me that in all of the years that I have followed the disease -- and in all the times I tried to get someone to listen to me about the difficulties of the spouse -- it is strange that a husband is the first to get a written article published.
I would assume that life is no easier being man or woman married to a person whose blood sugar swings in the manner of a diabetic -- the craziness is simply a symptom of the disease -- but if that man or anyone from any of those organizations bothered to read the blog of Wife of a Diabetic - or any of these other blogs for that matter - they would know that he has lots of company. my gosh! maybe there should be a support program in place! you think?
I, for one, am getting short on sleep lately and need to try to fix that
maybe its the time of year -- but with the cold and the short days
sleep is what I want to do.
take care one and all.......
I thought his comments were very similar to our own
although they did not display some of the anger we sometimes show -- after all we are writing our own blogs -- we can write without editorial control
It is interesting to me that in all of the years that I have followed the disease -- and in all the times I tried to get someone to listen to me about the difficulties of the spouse -- it is strange that a husband is the first to get a written article published.
I would assume that life is no easier being man or woman married to a person whose blood sugar swings in the manner of a diabetic -- the craziness is simply a symptom of the disease -- but if that man or anyone from any of those organizations bothered to read the blog of Wife of a Diabetic - or any of these other blogs for that matter - they would know that he has lots of company. my gosh! maybe there should be a support program in place! you think?
I, for one, am getting short on sleep lately and need to try to fix that
maybe its the time of year -- but with the cold and the short days
sleep is what I want to do.
take care one and all.......
Sunday, January 15, 2012
caught between the ones we love
I believe you will find this a familiar story
I offered to pick my sister up from the airport when she returned from vacation yesterday
as things worked out, I was out with Tom yesterday afternoon and while texting with her before her plane took off, I mentioned that Tom was with me
She said that if Tom was driving she did not want the ride - she would find another way to get home
Well, Tom is an aggressive driver sometimes and I have to remind him to stop scaring me
usually when I ask he does
but when his sugar is off -- then he drives even worse
so, yes it can be a problem
but I truly don't see it as a big problem
but I'm not sure I"m in a good position to judge
by the way, I find driving with my sister's husband to be more scary than driving with Tom
but that may be because I'm not used to his version of risk-taking
Anyway. I guess I see her point -- she doesn't feel safe and doesn't want to elect to do something not safe
but, my feelings were hurt
i'm feeling very conflicted about it
on the other hand, something came up last night that gave me the opportunity (when we were home and not in the car) when I was able to ask Tom about his driving. would he admit that he needed to get serious about being safer, about being less aggressive, about not scaring me so much. He was truly surprised -- he asked if I had been scared earlier in the day. when I said yes a few times -- he was puzzled. When? Where? He wasn't angry just didn't see anything he had done that could have caused it.
I asked him if he wanted my help figuring out a solution -- he said no -- he would work on it.
so I will let it go for awhile. then I'll bring it up again :)
In the meantime, I need to figure out how to address my feelings about my sister.
maybe I shouldn't be upset with her but I am
any wise words ?
I offered to pick my sister up from the airport when she returned from vacation yesterday
as things worked out, I was out with Tom yesterday afternoon and while texting with her before her plane took off, I mentioned that Tom was with me
She said that if Tom was driving she did not want the ride - she would find another way to get home
Well, Tom is an aggressive driver sometimes and I have to remind him to stop scaring me
usually when I ask he does
but when his sugar is off -- then he drives even worse
so, yes it can be a problem
but I truly don't see it as a big problem
but I'm not sure I"m in a good position to judge
by the way, I find driving with my sister's husband to be more scary than driving with Tom
but that may be because I'm not used to his version of risk-taking
Anyway. I guess I see her point -- she doesn't feel safe and doesn't want to elect to do something not safe
but, my feelings were hurt
i'm feeling very conflicted about it
on the other hand, something came up last night that gave me the opportunity (when we were home and not in the car) when I was able to ask Tom about his driving. would he admit that he needed to get serious about being safer, about being less aggressive, about not scaring me so much. He was truly surprised -- he asked if I had been scared earlier in the day. when I said yes a few times -- he was puzzled. When? Where? He wasn't angry just didn't see anything he had done that could have caused it.
I asked him if he wanted my help figuring out a solution -- he said no -- he would work on it.
so I will let it go for awhile. then I'll bring it up again :)
In the meantime, I need to figure out how to address my feelings about my sister.
maybe I shouldn't be upset with her but I am
any wise words ?
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