I'm not much in a mood to feel sorry for myself tonight.
On one hand, I am feeling grateful for what I have -- tom is not in crisis as are some other husbands.
Yet it is not necessarily the life of every wife to be awake multiple times a night to make sure your husband is breathing, to wake him up because his monitor is beeping, etc, etc, etc...
Then again, I don't have a husband who smokes cigarettes - I would hate that
or, one who has cancer
and I've never been divorced
There are many "bad" experiences I have never been through
I may be able to feel sorry for people who have been through those things but haven't experienced them so it is difficult to know exactly what they feel
It is my strong belief that if/when Tom dies, which we both assume will happen before me, I will never want another permanent man in my life again
I think its too much trouble
I think men are just too demanding
but I have really never had to make that decision
it must be really hard
My dad has had cancer during the last 2 years and my mom is just realizing that she is no longer sleeping through the night because of his health -- all of a sudden she has a new appreciation of what is like to live with someone with a chronic illness
she told me this weekend that she never knew...
its nice, but it doesn't change anything
she has always been supportive
its still hard
maybe I'm just grumpy tonight
maybe I just think men are crap tonight
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Anonymous Wife
DW wrote:
....Love the idea of meeting with other spouses.....but here's the problem with that. I have to remain anonymous myself in order to keep the "peace" here. If he thought for one second that I blogged....or that I was meeting another wife....I would have to leave for sure. Sad, huh? I'm going to guess there are several of us in the same position. We are not allowed to talk about this disease, not allowed to mention it, can't discuss it with our families and friends unless we do it in utter secrecy...
I find this incredibly sad and yet very understandable. There is so much about "being married to this disease" that is so hard to handle. The secrecy is about the worst. In the early years of my marriage, when we were young I gave in to it. Keeping the secrets from his mom, his brother, his friends.... I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about the lows, about what was going on. It was "embarrassing" It was a mistake It was Tom's limitation and I was his partner, a keeper of the secret.
To a certain degree he was right. He was responsible for the mistakes, but he couldn't be perfect and back then he tried much harder and was much better at it. And, true, his mother is a hysterical person who over reacts to everything so if you did tell her she would cry and hyperventilate and just overdo it completely -- even if you told her 6 months after the fact.
But now after 25 years I have learned so much. I don't rush to tell people about what's going on, but I don't try to hide it anymore either. If he goes low in front of others, and they see it. oh well, they see it. not my problem, he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. Just like you would do if it were your kid. I have learned to be a big believer in consequences. I have to deal with the consequences of my actions and he has to deal with his.
Of course, I'm still anonymous here. Because like DW, if Tom realized I was doing this he would be furious. I know I can use his name, because there must be many, many people named "Tom" out there. But he doesn't know to look. So I'm good.
And, if not. Well, I will deal with the consequences. Potentially it could be difficult. But what about this life isn't?
Tom's Wife
....Love the idea of meeting with other spouses.....but here's the problem with that. I have to remain anonymous myself in order to keep the "peace" here. If he thought for one second that I blogged....or that I was meeting another wife....I would have to leave for sure. Sad, huh? I'm going to guess there are several of us in the same position. We are not allowed to talk about this disease, not allowed to mention it, can't discuss it with our families and friends unless we do it in utter secrecy...
I find this incredibly sad and yet very understandable. There is so much about "being married to this disease" that is so hard to handle. The secrecy is about the worst. In the early years of my marriage, when we were young I gave in to it. Keeping the secrets from his mom, his brother, his friends.... I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about the lows, about what was going on. It was "embarrassing" It was a mistake It was Tom's limitation and I was his partner, a keeper of the secret.
To a certain degree he was right. He was responsible for the mistakes, but he couldn't be perfect and back then he tried much harder and was much better at it. And, true, his mother is a hysterical person who over reacts to everything so if you did tell her she would cry and hyperventilate and just overdo it completely -- even if you told her 6 months after the fact.
But now after 25 years I have learned so much. I don't rush to tell people about what's going on, but I don't try to hide it anymore either. If he goes low in front of others, and they see it. oh well, they see it. not my problem, he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. Just like you would do if it were your kid. I have learned to be a big believer in consequences. I have to deal with the consequences of my actions and he has to deal with his.
Of course, I'm still anonymous here. Because like DW, if Tom realized I was doing this he would be furious. I know I can use his name, because there must be many, many people named "Tom" out there. But he doesn't know to look. So I'm good.
And, if not. Well, I will deal with the consequences. Potentially it could be difficult. But what about this life isn't?
Tom's Wife
Monday, November 9, 2009
A great Idea
Thank you for your encouragement; it is helpful to me
even though I know that I "should" be writing this just for me, it helps to know that others out there are reading what I say and understand... that I'm not alone.
On a good day, I feel so confident counseling someone else. But then I have bad days when it seems like I'm the most selfish person in the world. I shouldn't be whining, I have it so good, others have it so much worse, who am I to complain? after all, I'm not the one with diabetes.
Just Little Me made a great suggestion:
I have started a quasi support group for spouses of diabetics - I say quasi because I am, in no way, qualified to run a support group. I have 2 friends whose husbands are diabetics and whenever we would run into each other we would catch up on how things were going. That lead into my organizing a dinner for the 3 of us and now we meet every 2 months or so. It has been just over 2 years now and it has helped me greatly - and I'd like to believe it has helped them as well. We all live in western New York state, in the suburbs of Buffalo. I'm sure we're pretty unique, but I thought it might give some of your readers an idea.
Does anyone else do something like this? I would love to hear how you cope.
That sounds like a terrific idea. I live in the DC area and I only know one person here in the same position as me. And I'm not sure if she is ready for the conversation yet. But there must be others; I'm not sure how to find them. But hopefully through communications like this maybe more of us can talk to each other more.
Wishing everyone better days for all of us.
Another day, I want to talk about technology and how its as much of a problem as it is a benefit. If I forget, will someone remind me? lately the "monitor" is causing more problems than its solving. But for tonight, I need to go.
Tom's Wife
even though I know that I "should" be writing this just for me, it helps to know that others out there are reading what I say and understand... that I'm not alone.
On a good day, I feel so confident counseling someone else. But then I have bad days when it seems like I'm the most selfish person in the world. I shouldn't be whining, I have it so good, others have it so much worse, who am I to complain? after all, I'm not the one with diabetes.
Just Little Me made a great suggestion:
I have started a quasi support group for spouses of diabetics - I say quasi because I am, in no way, qualified to run a support group. I have 2 friends whose husbands are diabetics and whenever we would run into each other we would catch up on how things were going. That lead into my organizing a dinner for the 3 of us and now we meet every 2 months or so. It has been just over 2 years now and it has helped me greatly - and I'd like to believe it has helped them as well. We all live in western New York state, in the suburbs of Buffalo. I'm sure we're pretty unique, but I thought it might give some of your readers an idea.
Does anyone else do something like this? I would love to hear how you cope.
That sounds like a terrific idea. I live in the DC area and I only know one person here in the same position as me. And I'm not sure if she is ready for the conversation yet. But there must be others; I'm not sure how to find them. But hopefully through communications like this maybe more of us can talk to each other more.
Wishing everyone better days for all of us.
Another day, I want to talk about technology and how its as much of a problem as it is a benefit. If I forget, will someone remind me? lately the "monitor" is causing more problems than its solving. But for tonight, I need to go.
Tom's Wife
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I'm so Tired of it all
Doesn't it just get so exhausting? I don't know where to begin tonight. I read others' comments and I feel badly -- the woman who has finally called it quits. getting divorced because he is so selfish and wont take care of himself, expecting her to do it; she is correct. how much can one person do?
the abuse we get from other people - especially the mothers of the men who don't take care of themselves. I guess its their own guilt they are putting onto us. they can't take care of their son so they want us to do so. but it just doesn't work that way.
and there is absolutely no help for us in the diabetic community at large -- no that's all about denial. diabetics are to be supported and pitied at all costs. don't assume they are human, with strengths and weaknesses. who go through the same psychological limitations that everyone else goes through. yes, some of them want to be pitied that way, but I'll bet in their saner moments, many do not.
Tom, for one, wants desperately to be as "normal" as possible. he doesn't always understand that sometimes in his efforts to do so that he becomes compulsive and pushes the mark to go too low. then its up to me to catch it -- if I don't do it in time then its the paramedics. then he gets upset because we both "failed"
what a cycle
i think the woman who is ready to leave her husband will think I have it so much better than she does because after all my husband cares enough to watch what he eats etc. but there have been times when i was up at 2 or 3 in the morning multiple times a week, for weeks on end, fighting with him to take sugar, because his sugar was so low, he was about to go unconscious
One summer, the paramedics were at our house 8 times in 2 months.
believe me, that is not fun.
I'm not saying this to compete -- but to sigh in frustration, sanguine, and sometimes anguish. we are not alone. just sometimes lonely.
I wish I could help others but sometimes I don't know how to help myself feel better.
But I think DW is the smartest of us all, keep busy with things you enjoy doing and spend time with people you love and people who love you. your life is short too.
tom's wife.
the abuse we get from other people - especially the mothers of the men who don't take care of themselves. I guess its their own guilt they are putting onto us. they can't take care of their son so they want us to do so. but it just doesn't work that way.
and there is absolutely no help for us in the diabetic community at large -- no that's all about denial. diabetics are to be supported and pitied at all costs. don't assume they are human, with strengths and weaknesses. who go through the same psychological limitations that everyone else goes through. yes, some of them want to be pitied that way, but I'll bet in their saner moments, many do not.
Tom, for one, wants desperately to be as "normal" as possible. he doesn't always understand that sometimes in his efforts to do so that he becomes compulsive and pushes the mark to go too low. then its up to me to catch it -- if I don't do it in time then its the paramedics. then he gets upset because we both "failed"
what a cycle
i think the woman who is ready to leave her husband will think I have it so much better than she does because after all my husband cares enough to watch what he eats etc. but there have been times when i was up at 2 or 3 in the morning multiple times a week, for weeks on end, fighting with him to take sugar, because his sugar was so low, he was about to go unconscious
One summer, the paramedics were at our house 8 times in 2 months.
believe me, that is not fun.
I'm not saying this to compete -- but to sigh in frustration, sanguine, and sometimes anguish. we are not alone. just sometimes lonely.
I wish I could help others but sometimes I don't know how to help myself feel better.
But I think DW is the smartest of us all, keep busy with things you enjoy doing and spend time with people you love and people who love you. your life is short too.
tom's wife.
Monday, October 12, 2009
A New "High"
Always something new
Over the weekend, Tom's pump malfunctioned
and he wasn't getting any insulin
He was up multiple times Saturday night
struggling to figure out why he felt so badly
and then finally threw up around 6 am
it wasn't until around 7:30 am when he realized what the problem was
by then he diagnosed the ketosis for what it was
But being high makes him very sick
I guess its different for everyone
He was sick all day even though he figured it out and removed the pump
he went back to the manual method
he tested about every hour and gave himself direct shots of insulin
called the company and has a new pump being delivered tomorrow
I have to say that I'm impressed with him
he is really taking care of himself
what a nice change!
quite different from when he gets low!
Over the weekend, Tom's pump malfunctioned
and he wasn't getting any insulin
He was up multiple times Saturday night
struggling to figure out why he felt so badly
and then finally threw up around 6 am
it wasn't until around 7:30 am when he realized what the problem was
by then he diagnosed the ketosis for what it was
But being high makes him very sick
I guess its different for everyone
He was sick all day even though he figured it out and removed the pump
he went back to the manual method
he tested about every hour and gave himself direct shots of insulin
called the company and has a new pump being delivered tomorrow
I have to say that I'm impressed with him
he is really taking care of himself
what a nice change!
quite different from when he gets low!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Heart Pain
Sometimes my heart just hurts.
For my husband who has been working really hard lately to keep his sugar in control. We have had a really good week - sometimes that's all one can ask for. and he is really trying - but its so hard. he gets frustrated. Last night the stupid monitor started beeping in the middle of the night and he was up three times. His frustration was almost as loud as the stupid beeping of the device.
Then there are the spouses out there -- some diabetics don't appear to try at all. I say "appear" because none of us know what is in anyone else's thoughts. The spouses bear the worry and frustration of watching the slow death of their loved one. One person I know has a wife who refuses to take control of her eating habits and yet gets in the car to drive their children about -- she may be high or low -- the young children are starting to take care of mom. They now know how to give her sugar, to call 911, and other things. Its really scary.
In an unrelated area, a woman I know is in serious financial trouble. She has lots of credit card debt, the house she is renting is about to be sold; she can buy it from the owner but she doesn't have the money to do so. She is divorced, has two kids, one just started college the other a junior in high school. Her job history isn't great even though she is smart and is college educated and respected in her industry. She doesn't buy lots of stuff - no fancy car, no fancy restaurants or great clothes -- but she doesn't save a dime either. She has "borrowed" money from every family member and friend who would give her something and never paid it back. You can't help feeling sorry for her because you look at her and just know that this is a person who may never get it together. But how do you help her?
Someone else has a very old mother - this mother is not sick per se - just old. the mother wants to die so just exists. She is in a nursing home - the aids feed her, change her clothes, and move her around so that she does not get bed sores. This woman just doesn't care any more. (compare that to Senator Ted Kennedy who was still reading to under-privileged kids in DC until just a couple of weeks before he died)
So, I'm in a mood where my heart is hurting for all of these other people. My life feels blessed. I have so much and I do all I can for others - but there just isn't enough to go around. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
For my husband who has been working really hard lately to keep his sugar in control. We have had a really good week - sometimes that's all one can ask for. and he is really trying - but its so hard. he gets frustrated. Last night the stupid monitor started beeping in the middle of the night and he was up three times. His frustration was almost as loud as the stupid beeping of the device.
Then there are the spouses out there -- some diabetics don't appear to try at all. I say "appear" because none of us know what is in anyone else's thoughts. The spouses bear the worry and frustration of watching the slow death of their loved one. One person I know has a wife who refuses to take control of her eating habits and yet gets in the car to drive their children about -- she may be high or low -- the young children are starting to take care of mom. They now know how to give her sugar, to call 911, and other things. Its really scary.
In an unrelated area, a woman I know is in serious financial trouble. She has lots of credit card debt, the house she is renting is about to be sold; she can buy it from the owner but she doesn't have the money to do so. She is divorced, has two kids, one just started college the other a junior in high school. Her job history isn't great even though she is smart and is college educated and respected in her industry. She doesn't buy lots of stuff - no fancy car, no fancy restaurants or great clothes -- but she doesn't save a dime either. She has "borrowed" money from every family member and friend who would give her something and never paid it back. You can't help feeling sorry for her because you look at her and just know that this is a person who may never get it together. But how do you help her?
Someone else has a very old mother - this mother is not sick per se - just old. the mother wants to die so just exists. She is in a nursing home - the aids feed her, change her clothes, and move her around so that she does not get bed sores. This woman just doesn't care any more. (compare that to Senator Ted Kennedy who was still reading to under-privileged kids in DC until just a couple of weeks before he died)
So, I'm in a mood where my heart is hurting for all of these other people. My life feels blessed. I have so much and I do all I can for others - but there just isn't enough to go around. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Loneliness
How does one define loneliness? Isn't it more than just being alone?
I have a large family - 4 sisters (3 of whom are married), 10 nieces and nephews, my parents are still around, and that's just my side of the family. We are very close and get together frequently (too frequently sometimes)
I have many friends -- some who live nearby and some who live in other cities. But sometimes I get very, very lonely. I had always hoped to have a close relationship with my husband, that I would always have someone to depend upon, that I wouldn't feel alone.
But that just didn't work out. Sometimes, he can be very sweet. He thinks he is very reliable -- and he is reliable on some issues. But often, when I really need to feel wanted, comforted, he is just not there.
Yeah, I feel lonely. I go to work everyday, surrounded by people, some days it feels like every single person in my life wants something from me. and I'm supposed to be strong for everyone. some days, there just is no one with whom I can share my burdens, my fears. I thought that person would be my husband. but it isn't. He's one of the burdens a lot of the time.
I have a large family - 4 sisters (3 of whom are married), 10 nieces and nephews, my parents are still around, and that's just my side of the family. We are very close and get together frequently (too frequently sometimes)
I have many friends -- some who live nearby and some who live in other cities. But sometimes I get very, very lonely. I had always hoped to have a close relationship with my husband, that I would always have someone to depend upon, that I wouldn't feel alone.
But that just didn't work out. Sometimes, he can be very sweet. He thinks he is very reliable -- and he is reliable on some issues. But often, when I really need to feel wanted, comforted, he is just not there.
Yeah, I feel lonely. I go to work everyday, surrounded by people, some days it feels like every single person in my life wants something from me. and I'm supposed to be strong for everyone. some days, there just is no one with whom I can share my burdens, my fears. I thought that person would be my husband. but it isn't. He's one of the burdens a lot of the time.
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