Trying to Enjoy Each Day

A new writer-- jaywalkerj -- added
... after yet another evening of telling me just how much stuff is my fault I find myself looking on the Internet and came across your posts. Good to know I'm not alone as I'm feeling pretty much responsible for every problem in this house right now on Trying to Enjoy Each Day

Sometimes it can be SO difficult
the diabetic just can't see how much blame s/he is throwing off

While Tom is doing well - our days are not consistent
some are ok -- others are not
he turns 60 at the beginning of May
and suddenly his glucose is dropping a lot when he exercises
he has denied it for weeks
but suddenly he agrees that it is happening

is he doing something about it?
I don't know
he doesn't share unless I ask the exact correct question

oh well
we get by somehow someway
good luck jaywalkerj
write again
you have a tough road ahead
but there are good days also!

hope you get a good night's sleep

Trying to Enjoy Each Day

Just caught up on the last couple of days of postings

Lilly! glad to see you are ok -- I'm sorry you are feeling down.  Sometimes life just keeps beating down on you and its winter and the days are short and there is no let up on the stress!  I wish I knew the key to better days -- I don't but truly hope you find some.  If nothing else, its good to know that April is only 6 weeks away!

I have also noticed quite a few other followers have not written in quite awhile.  Hopefully their lives are busy with good happenings - not sad . 

For me, I am making the effort to enjoy each day.  I'm so lucky right now that the challenges I face - whether they are with work, or Tom, or anywhere else in my life -- are truly small compared to other people. 

Tom has always been an aggressive driver, it has nothing to do with his diabetes -- and I have frequently been scared when he drives.  The diabetes makes it worse because when his glucose gets low, it takes me too long to recognize that its not just normal poor driving that is causing the problem.  99% of the time he is truly fine.  But who wants to risk the 1% 
On the other hand, I don't love driving that much -- and he drives over 100 miles a day round trip to work each day.  So if he doesn't drive -- what happens with his job?  Right now we are talking almost every day about his driving.  He says he is much more conscious of his bad habits and is doing better.  He is definitely better when I'm in the car. 

But again, I got off track.
I just spent the last three days with my sister -- helping her clean and organize her basement. it contained years of boxes of her stuff, her kids stuff, and stuff inherited from parents and grandparents who had passed away.

we are not done, but when we started, it was overwhelming -- there was just a narrow pathway to walk between the towering boxes.  Now you can see a great deal of the floor, there are marked boxes where items are grouped into logical order (books over here, pictures over here, games over there) and a large section set up for the world's greatest yard sale.  Honestly, I may pick up an item or two.

When she was thanking me for helping, she acknowledged that she couldn't imagine "giving up" this many days out of her life for me.  Well, honestly I enjoy the project but I also treasure spending time with her.  there is nothing more important to me right now than spending time with people I love

I try to spend some time each week with my parents (in their 80s) and with other family members because one just never knows what tomorrow will bring  I know that right now I have the time to do this  and so I do.

And, here is my response to a couple of comments I received but did not publish
- I work really hard to look at all sides of a situation and not to judge others for their opinions
until you walk in someone else's shoes it is impossible to understand their perspective -- its something my grandfather used to say -- I'm not always good at practicing that concept but I do work at it

- And, there are not many more skeptical of the medical industry than I am.  On the other hand, I recognize that Tom needs medical care -- he can't live without it.  So, if doctors try to sugar-coat the message or minimize the impact of a certain treatment, well, that's crappy.  And, yes, Tom and I need to be on top of our own research to understand it.  But this is not unique to diabetes care.  It is our entire medical program and there is lots of blame to go around.  I detest it but see no option for the foreseeable future.  Without his doctors, Tom has no future.  With them, he has a chance.....

So that's my "rant" tonight
thank you if you read this far
I hope you can find something you can do for yourself tonight
I'm going to enjoy my family now

Good night

RESPONSE TO DONNA + DW

Donna 
here is my rambling response

you wrote to DW very moving testimonial that you have a great relationship with your husband who is Type 1

reading your comment and that of DW, I see both positions

feeling good about the relationship -- feeling good about the conversations -- feeling good about him!

and then the next minute - feeling awful - worrying about him -- feeling crushed by the weight of the responsibilities!

And, wow!  you have so many children!  and they have Diabetes also!
I am in awe! 
You are a strong woman and deserve many kudos!
However we know every day is not wonderful
some days are awful

when there are more awful days than great days, it gets tough
we all have ebbs and flows in our life

we can go many years dealing with the tough issues
and then it can just get to be too much
It took many years before Tom's endurance broke
and then mine also

diabetes - for a compliant patient -- is very difficult
for a non-compliant patient its impossible

my final word:  be grateful for every moment that he is in good health
when he is 60 years old and doesn't have the control he does today
You are a strong woman and that's fabulous
you will need every bit of it
good luck

A very tough Question!

On DW's blog, Tigo asked:

do you regret being married to a diabetic?

what an impossible question?

if the question were:  do you regret being married....
how many people would answer yes or no?
it depends on when the question is asked


how many divorces do we have in America today?
marriage is difficult in the best of circumstances -- whatever they are
if one partner has diabetes, or asthma, or smokes, or disagrees regarding how to raise the kids, or loses a job or becomes "disagreeable" regarding religion or politics....


there are so many reasons for two people to have problems in a relationship over the course of a marriage!


On the other hand, love and perseverance and commitment can overcome everything


I really want to tell Tigo that if you listen to people who want to protect you, it is possible to end up afraid to do anything!  On the other hand, those same people taught you not to cross the street in front of a speeding car.


there is no one to listen to instead of yourself
listen to your heart
are you in love with this guy - even at his worst moments?
how does he treat you at your worst moments? what it should be




good luck
there is no one best answer
only you know
your situation is different than everyone else's

life is hard -- diabetes is a very difficult disease
but then again so are other challenges that life throws at you

A Car Accident

I must have had a premonition
if you have read my posts
(or been inside my head lately)
you would know that I have been focused on the concern of Tom having an accident in his car
Well, it happened Tuesday night

I was out for dinner, and he had gone to play tennis since we had great weather
he doesn't remember anything
one minute he was on the tennis courts
the next minute he was in an ambulance

somehow he hit three cars
he did not get a ticket even though the police were called
his car has no apparent damage

but.....
all three of the other drivers have submitted claims to the insurance company
I received a call today
the ins company is concerned and wonders whether he should continue to drive
does he need extra insurance

we already had a big increase in our rates

who knows what's next
I'm very stressed!

My Response to Tigo

Tigo wrote to DW about falling in love with a diabetic and wondering about her future......

Dear DW

Hello! Thank God I found your blog, you have no idea how I wish I could talk to someone who understands, not only understands but knows exactly how I feel. I have met this amazing handsome guy, he is 34 and I am 28. He is diabetic, diagnosed at the age of 19, applies 4 shots a day.  We have been going out for two months but we already feel very connected. At our age we talk about a future together. At first I was really excited at finding someone so special, but when my dad met him, he told me the consequences of being with a diabetic and how this could be inherited to my kids. It has kept me worried, and crying all the time, I wish I could ignore diabetes, but I can't, firstly, I am worried my kids might get it, and secondly, all of the things posted on your blog are shocking, I am reaaaally into him, but my doubts keep coming and coming....I just wanted to tell you how I feel, my relationship is bitter sweet, and I can't imagine what my married life would be...any words of wisdom or hope are helpful...I will pray for you and your significant others..thanks for the opportunity.
. 

So here is my response:
My type 1 diabetic husband, Tom, was diagnosed at age 21.  Type 1 diabetes is still considered to be NOT an inherited disease while Type 2 is considered to be carried through DNA.  But science isn't really clear about the causes of either.  So before jumping to any conclusions, I recommend discussing this with him. 


Second, it is true that you can not ignore the diabetes but you can face it.  On blogs, we write out our frustrations and our fears -- typically we write out the worst case scenarios --because its the best place to put our pain.  people who are happy tend to write about it less often -- they don't need to.


In my case, I have been married 25 years and my diabetic husband (who is almost 60) has none of the problems that DW's husband has.  True we have had other problems over time -- he went through a period of denial, he is a terrible driver which is compounded by his occasional driving when having a low sugar. 


these can be scary events.  However, if you choose to continue a relationship with this "amazing, handsome, guy, you are going into it with way more knowledge than any us.  Your dad is smart to advise you to be aware. 


For what it is worth, my suggestion would be to start talking with your young man and your dad.  Discuss what is on these blogs.  Read other information -- as much as you can get your hands on.  Read Michael Hoskins' blog - he is one my followers -- he is a compliant diabetic who is very understanding.  If your young man is non-compliant and/or in denial, then yes, you may want to be very wary.  However, if he is aware and takes care of himself, there is no reason you can't have a long happy healthy life with children with him. 


Get more educated before making a decision! 
Best wishes for getting through a tough time.


Tom's Wife

My Response to batgirlnj

I wanted to comment on another of DW's blog entries --
this one from batgrlnj who is diabetic and is not certain she quite understands our point of view.

some of her words: 
..... you mention being a normal diabetes caregiver for your partners. Even when I was non-compliant my husband never allowed himself to be my 'caregiver'. As long as I am physically functioning and there are no other issues like you have had to deal with, then there is no reason for anyone other than myself to care..for myself. .... however I cannot imagine my husband needing to change even an iota of his lifestyle to take care of ANY of my diabetic needs.   If I did not tell you that I was diabetic you would have no idea. ...

Here are my thoughts on this :
I do not consider myself to be my husband's caregiver.  I have no idea what medications he takes (I am aware that he takes two different types of insulin - but not what they are nor what dosages) he takes other stuff also -- I guess for cholesterol and something else -- but I don't really know.  Additionally, Tom is a type 1 who strictly manages his diet and exercise (he weighs the same as he did in high school and he is about to turn 60 years old).  He tries very hard to keep his glucose at around 100.  He is terrified of experiencing the side effects that impact people with high sugars over prolonged periods of time.

That being said - from time to time, he experiences coma-inducing lows.  If you do not have these -- and your glucose is steady then I applaud you.  When we were younger -- probably in our mid-40's -- Tom started having these at 2 am at least once a week.  What would your husband do if you suddenly went into diabetic shock at 2 am? I can't believe that he would just sleep through it and do nothing!  Of course not.  He would get you juice or a tablet or call 911.  It is what any human being would do. 

The problem is that when it happens once or twice -- its no big deal.  But the diabetic's life is difficult.  Once their glucose levels get out of whack like that, it is difficult to get back into control.  I'm probably not telling you something you don't know.  But I wonder how your husband doesn't need to change his lifestyle "one iota".  When we went through one period like this -- I didn't sleep a full night for more than a month.  believe me, that changed my lifestyle.

Was I angry at Tom?  Yes,  did I really blame him?  I don't know - I recognize how difficult his life is.  But its really difficult being on the sidelines -- dealing with the consequences with no input into the activities that affect the outcome.  and yes, I got cranky and angry and lashed out.

I think in a nut-shell that may be what is  the core of some our laments on these blogs. 
We love our spouses, we are willing to help them -- knowing they have a terrible disease
but over time, they make decisions that have consequences that have big impacts on our lives
sometimes the impacts don't last long - one night of  sleep
sometimes the impacts lead to years of failing health and increasing care required
and sometimes the impacts are a changed person with emotional outcomes that become abusive to the spouse.

It becomes a very difficult life for some. 
These outcomes are difficult to foresee
but they are not the same for everyone.
They are not the only outcome for every diabetic

but if you are one of the people living with one of those diabetics
even for a short period of time
life can be awful!

 Support for the spouse - in terms of understanding the pain of (1) being treated poorly when you know the diabetic is suffering also (2) knowing your kids are being affected (3) knowing you married a person you loved -- for better or worse and in sickness and in health...

That's the type of support John and all of us are looking for.  We don't need someone to tell us how to give better shots, or encourage spouse when s/he is depressed about having diabetes, or how to tell strangers about his disease.  and yet, this is the type of support we often see offered by the main stream organizations.  I believe that this is the frustrations you may detect in our posts.

Hopefully this post has given you a different perspective on the subject.





Thank you for contributing to the conversation

Its great to hear from a different perspective