A Broken Heart

My heart is broken.
As if it were not bad enough that my dad passed away a week ago
the tragedies don't seem to stop

my uncle visiting for the funeral was rushed to the hospital for internal bleeding over the weekend
my cousin was taken into emergency surgery the same day as the funeral for a mass on her brain -- no conclusions yet, but the prognosis is not good
Tom's sister may be in a severe medical condition -- undiagnosed at this time -- out of work for a month so far and probably at least another month to go -- we get information from his mom so its vague

What else is going to happen?
How many challenges can we face at once?

This is heartache I have never experienced

Thank goodness Tom is doing ok
I just couldn't bear it if he were to have a medical issue right now

Each moment, I feel a clench in the belly and say to myself
breathe --  in another minute, the panic will go away

I look at my mom, the amazing person that she is
she says, all you can do is go on....
one step at a time, one day at a time
I need to learn from her
but what other choice do we have?

breathe
make dinner
write in my journal
read a book
work
sleep
(in no particular order)
repeat

sigh..............

Death

He died on Saturday night, the funeral was Monday morning, we are "sitting Shiva" now
I would like to write about it
but not yet
thank you for your notes
they are meaningful to me
I will share, because death, like diabetes, is a process
and living through the death of a loved one
particularly surrounding my a large loving family
is wonderful and burdonsome all at once.

Hospice

This is awful!
And, truly there is no one to blame -- although my family is trying
let me try to sum it up

since Tuesday, dad has been suffering -- his body is slowly dying
and it is not an easy process
its awful to watch -- he is pain 45 out of every 60 seconds
and it is spasms

my mom - didn't like the hospice staff from the beginning
she is not a shy person
but is of an age where authority still is authority
so she would not request a different nurse/team
but then when she didn't like  the medicine dosages prescribed, she didn't administer them as prescribed
at first she was open to have him go to the Hospice facility, but now that a bed is available, she changed her mind and said no
She really dislikes the primary nurse in charge of dad's care and doesn't trust her
everything else from there is tainted
each day the medication routine has been changed
but mom doesn't comply and then doesn't understand why it doesn't work
she said today that she thinks he is over-medicated

sister #1 is angry but feels as if we should comply with the rules, take copious notes and complain after everything is over.  "we don't want to make the nurses angry because that may negatively impact dad's care"

sister #2 is very angry and thinks the medication dosages are wrong and interacting badly -- but she just complains to us -- never directly with anyone at Hospice (which is ok -- just observing)

sister #3 is also very angry but she believes that Hospice needs to be doing a better job overall.  She has spoken to supervisors and managers at the Hospice and raised the level of concern regarding dad's care.  we think that is what led to the bed becoming available at the facility.  that would be ok -- but mom is now saying no to that.

she asked why they can't give that level of care at home.  the nurse tonight said that the medicine delivery mechanisms they have at the facility are different and they can manage the meds more continuously and steady that way.

does this make any sense?
I'm not sure...

frankly, I'm not angry just exhausted

I don't really blame the hospice people
they give you advice, you don't follow it
then how can you blame them when the results are not what they predict?
at one point I tried to say this
but I was shouted down

I know, I'm perfect  -- Not!
its just that my family is so loud in its process
this is not new
we play our roles -- and I'm learning that the death of a parent makes these roles more pronounced

tonight I see things better than I did during the day
it helps to write it out

Now, maybe, some sleep????

Losing my dad....

I’m so sad.

Don’t know if I’ll get a call that he’s gone or if I’ll be there

Really, he is already gone – he is not my dad anymore

Just a body in pain

But it really hurts

I’m not so good at talking about it

And my family is – well my family

I am just sitting here thinking about what life is going to be with him really gone

And, I know… I know…..

But still I’m crying….

Why Diabetics Lie

Last night I asked Tom why he lies to me about his sugar
he started to deny it
but I calmly reassured him that I was not judging but curious
told him I was reading another blogger's frustration over it
and really wanted to understand why he does it
not that he can answer for anyone else -- just him

here are his reasons:
1)  he doesn't like being punished by me -- "no that's not right, I don't like it when you tell me ...."  when he goes low and I ask about it, I am going to tell him what to do (eat or drink something to fix it)  he knows I have his best interests at heart and that I am usually correct but he doesn't like it and in fact it feels like punishment even if that is not nice for me

2)  he doesn't like feeling out of control of his diabetes and feeling like he screwed up (his words)  he thinks he should always be in control so sometimes he will see that the number is low and I ask about it -- its like I caught him doing something "wrong" and he feels bad about that -- like he is supposed to always get it "right"

he acknowledges that I am very good at noticing the signs and am almost always right when I think he is low.  he also agrees that we have both worked on improving our communication so he doesn't feel so accused (and I don't overreact) when he goes low.

he doesn't really have such a problem with highs -- and he doesn't often go above 200 -- if he goes above 200 he thinks its a crisis without any help from me.

he thinks he has gotten so much better at all of this since he has his glucose monitor and in general I would agree -- but its a matter of degree and I don't think he is as good at it as he thinks he is

when I ask and he is either at a good rate or high -- he is usually pretty accurate when he tells me what his number is -- even when he tests to be sure

but when he is low or going low - he is less reliable -- again, I am not judging just observing
I understand how difficult this must be for him
I tried to explain to him that I don't think he is doing something wrong nor do I want to punish him
I just want to make sure his sugar is in the right zone -- and catch it before it goes too low
if sometimes my voice is too sharp when I ask, its because of fear not blame

the conversation ended because we got to our destination -- not because we finished
although he thought we were done

It was interesting to learn
he did admit to me that he does lie about  his sugar
that was new

just thought I would share....

Bad Xmas Travel!

Sunday travel to family for Christmas started off very badly
On interstate 95 heading south in Virginia
lots of traffic and Tom is driving in his normal aggressive manner
zipping in and out of all lanes
moves to the right and BAM!#@#
hit a car which turned over twice!!

we are ok -- our car is damaged but ok
the woman in the other car is ok -- but her car is not
and I imagine her Christmas was really a mess

I am so sorry!!
Tom is still very upset

we knew this would happen some day
he is driving better for the moment
will that last?  who knows?

the other thing that happened is also bad
our rescue dog started dragging her back legs and can't walk
this started after the accident even though it does not seem to be related
she does not exhibit pain -- you can touch her anywhere on her body and she doesn't react
we took her to an emergency vet -- worthless event  -- the vet said well it could be any of ten things and she has no idea -- ok - I didn't need to spend $300 to know I needed to take her to our vet back at home......  :(

time with family was fine -- normal -- I had more patience for my mil because really it doesn't matter
she doesn't matter -- she is just a sad, self centered person
I am worried about Tom -- he is very upset about the accident and asked me to drive most of the time

I don't like driving that much -- but guess that will be my new job....

we need to move into the city so we can take cabs???

Hope others had a better holiday

on to New Year's eve.......

Always too much!

 Once again I have random thoughts and too much on my plate
I worry about everything
even if I know that worry does no good

my dad
how to make my business work
will Tom keep his job is the government goes over the fiscal cliff
Tom's doctor wants him to get a thyroid ultrasound
she also wants a podiatrist exam because he is losing feeling in his feet


normal stuff -- money, health, family

and I know I should live in the moment
but that is difficult for me