October 2010

Its mid October and life continues in its "normal" ups and downs
Tom says he is fine but has had quite a few lows in the past several weeks
Always right before dinner

On my part, I've been angry with him
No one big thing -- just lots of little things that build up over time
so when he says mean things and refuses to take care of himself
well, I just feel like breaking

Honestly I have felt so lonely lately
My dad's illness has taken him away from me
his cancer is in remission and he says he wants to talk like we used to
but he just isn't up to it anymore
he is always tired, and at 85, he just doesn't feel good most of the time
I've realized that my dad has been my life anchor and
even though he is still in my life, the anchor is floating in the water
no longer dug into the deep sand under the water
mooring me to the ground

And now that he isn't there, I recognize that Tom doesn't provide the same source of support
Its different and at almost 55 years old, I should get it
I should know that he is not my father, he is my husband
he is a different type of anchor -- and there are moments when I really do know that
but then he acts like a human being and does things that hurt my feelings
not intentionally, but hurtful nonetheless

I used to have walls up to protect myself from the hurt
but that led to other problems
like a 100-pound weight gain
now that I have lost 70 of those 100 pounds
I feel the hurt more
At least this is how I explain it to myself

there are days that are really challenging
and others, not so much

His diabetes adds a layer of complication that only other wives can understand
and I speak of wives in this case, because I really am talking about the general behavior differences between men and women
Its just different -- not better or worse -- just different

so that is my musing for today
I hope that when you read this you will take a moment for yourself
and just take a deep breath
take one minute for yourself and let us all
try to figure out how to be our own anchors
because at the end of the day,
who else can we really depend on?

when you have the chance, rest well.
Tom's Wife