Storms and Voting

Hurricane Sandy came and went
we are grateful that our family barely felt the effects
yes it stormed outside
but only one house lost power -- and it wasn't my parents!!

Today - we voted early --
it was easy -- I highly recommend doing it if you can

wishing everyone else is safe and sound

MY POOR MOM!

As if she didn't have enough to deal with regarding my father's illness,
we are in the eye of the storm (pun intended)
and she hasn't lost her power yet, but its probably just a matter of time -- because her house usually loses power in storms....

now her dishwasher broke down for good
and she has a serious leak in her roof!

she is a very strong woman
and she has a difficult time accepting help
even from her family

none of us have the courage to ask about plans for thanksgiving yet
this was a year for having it at my mom's
I don't know  how she can do it
but I know she doesn't want to give it up

Sigh,
it makes me so sad.....

Random Thoughts

tonight, as we wait for the  "mega storm" on the east coast, we are "ready"
whatever that means
our house rarely loses power and has never flooded to date
we have lost trees in the past -- but don't think we have any more at risk
we lose cable/internet frequently -- but we will deal with that

Federal Government work is cancelled for tomorrow so Tom will be home
I can work from home
we shall see how it goes
since there is no "weather" yet, its difficult to figure out how the storm will impact us

my sister's 40 year high school reunion is next weekend
since I'm so close with her, I am going through this with her
and anticipating my own 40th in 2 years

 it is interesting to watch the process of re-uniting with people we knew when young
and then trying to decide if we want to be friends with them now

maybe some other people have already done this through facebook
or something else
but it caused me to do some surfing on facebook

I see some people who are "friends" today
it brings me back to the clicks of school
and feeling left out
I don't want to feel like that again
do I really want to put myself in the position of feeling outside again?

why would I do that?

Tough Week

Gosh, this is a tough fall season.
DW-TX just wrote to say that her younger brother just passed away
of course, DW has just lost her mom and her mother in law
one of my sister's friends passed away last Friday
and the father of one of my friends passed away Wednesday

My dad is not doing well
and my mom is not handling it well either (an entirely different post)

This is so difficult
my sisters and I are trying to have one of us go by our parents' house each day
but really that's only three of us -- the other two don't participate
its too difficult for them so they don't

this is grief fighting with coping fighting with anger fighting with helplessness

I'm so grateful to Tom who is doing a pretty good job with his own health
I've had to remind him a few times but he is being good about it

I will try to sleep tonight - not doing well at that lately
but will try again tonight

Powerful Words

Diabetic Wife has written some powerful words in her last post.  You should read it. 

http://wifeofadiabetic.blogspot.com/2012/10/hospice-so-wonderful.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FYNchP+%28Wife+of+a+Diabetic%29

As she writes about the loss of her mom and her mother in law, she is taking grief classes.  She also recognizes that she grieves (and has grieved in the past) the loss of her healthy husband and the marriage she once had.

Heavy stuff and something all of us wives could heed.  we spend so much time coping from one issue to the next -- and often just being grateful for the quiet times in between -- that we don't think about this.  But it s so true. 

AND what a scary thought.  especially when you are just 30 years old and married for just a year or two.  I remember what that was like.  I wasn't thinking about losing anything or getting out of anything -- I was thinking about how to fix things -- how to make things better.  what could I do to make Tom's (and my) life better.  by the time I realized that I couldn't fix things and make them all better, a lot of anger had built up inside of me.  I didn't know how to deal with that anger. 

I couldn't take it out directly on Tom!  he was sick, poor guy! 
But everyone in my life suffered because I took it out on myself
which means that I got mean -- to Tom, to my family, and to every one who came across my path
now, I work very hard to be more considerate and kind
to see behind the surface

and now I will think about the grief perspective
especially as I begin the process of grieving my dad
I know he is not gone yet
but already -- he is not the same
he is leaving me
as he must
I must honor his decisions

thanks, DW, for another perspective
I'm so glad to have you as a friend....

Dad

So my dad is in the hospital
Thursday he was in so much pain the doc sent him to the hospital
after many hours they finally got him checked in
I sat with my parents while the medical machinery wound its way through the process
I didn't get home till 10:30 pm (we started this "adventure" before noon)
LONG day

tests were ordered....

test #1 conducted on Friday - inconclusive
test #2 conducted on Saturday took over 2 hours and the process was so painful doc insisted dad spend another night in the hospital

results today - not good
many new lesions on his spine that were not there a month ago
doc prescribes radiation to "ease the pain" (not cure him)
dad asked to go home
NOPE
dad still needs too much medication - need to stay at hospital

parents heard the news and just deflated
it was as if all the air in the room just disappeared
it was silent for several minutes

My mom is comparing this to when my cousin went through the final stages of cancer
she is preparing herself for my dad to be dying
I think my dad is also and just wants it to be over

as I told the information to my sisters, they all responded differently
we will stick together
fortunately we have each other

it could be a challenging time..
who knows what will happen next....

Community

Thanks for your comments - it really helps

DW - you are in my heart every minute
Thanks, Boop82, your words really help

Ashleigh, welcome to our community
for those who haven't met you yet -- here:

Tomswife, I am so sorry to hear about all your heartaches and struggles recently. I just started reading your Blog today! I read quite a few entries and I want you to know that I am inspired and comforted by your story. Up until literally and hour ago I thought I was alone in this struggle until I "googled", "spouses with diabetes". I am 27 years old engaged (for 3 years because he won't marry me) to a 41 year old Type2 Diabetic. Along with that he has blood clots, IBS, Gout, high blood pressure... the list goes on. Your statement at the top of your Blog made me start hysterically crying. Thats exactly how I feel! I cry every day wondering what else I can do to aid in his diseases? How do I make him care more about his health? Why is he ALWAYS angry and emotional? It's so hard, and frustrating! I want you to know I am thankful for your Blog! You are helping ME! :) Keep writing and keep your head up! xx-Ashleigh

Keep reading all of the blogs in our little group
take are
and let us know how you are doing

Thanks everyone....
taking it one day at a time.....

some insecurity

I'm having a bad day
can you please indulge me?
I write this blog for two reasons
first to get stuff off my chest
but also to help others
really
I want others to benefit from the challenges I had earlier in my life
in the early years of my married life there was no one to help me
i remember being really scared
what was happening?
why?
was I a bad person because I was angry at Tom?
was I a bad person because I was scared?
Do I help you?
do I offer support?
please give me support because
in other parts of my life I'm struggling
and I want to know that here at least
I'm helping one or two people
thanks