Beeps

Tom has a lot of machines
two cell phones, a continuous glucose monitor (CGM), and a pump
at any one point in time there is a lot of beeping going on
its difficult to know what they mean

the good news is that his CGM has a variety of sounds that mean different things
he knows what they mean
when I ask, he will answer precisely what is going on at that moment
but when I ask for a bigger explanation he tells me its his job, not mine to know all of this

on one hand, that's fine
but one particular type of beeping is very loud and persistent
I have finally understood that this is the sound indicating low blood sugar
but he won't let me help

"I just ate ..."
whatever it is for the moment
soda, m&m's, a piece of bread.....

on one hand I am frustrated that I can't be of more help
on the other if he won't let me in, after all these years, there just is only so much I can do.....

sigh,,, the life of a wife of a diabetic

Tom is OK

I'm sure you are all waiting with baited breath hear the next step in the saga of my life :)
Well, today is better
Friday, Tom had to take the day off due to the Federal government sequester
so, we went to the beach -- for one night
its a really nice drive, the day was lovely, we talked and stopped for lunch
it was a great break
we had a very nice dinner Friday night
we walked around
we talked
what can I say
it was so nice
and it was all about me

well...
almost
he had a few minutes of lows, and his GCM beeped quite a few times
but we handled it just fine
and he was there for me

very nice....

MORE bad news

I don't know how I am supposed to deal with life right now
yesterday my dog died
Friday night she was literally screaming in pain
it was awful

my heart just hurts

I am trying to just breathe
at moments its hard to do that.....

Baad Evening!

Poor Tom -- feeling like he has no control of his sugar!
Poor me -- feeling like she has no control over anything!

Late afternoon -- we agree to go to the grocery store and then my mom's for dinner
At the grocery store, I notice he is very grumpy -- not so like him

we get in the car to drive away, and it hits me
"Tom, what does your monitor say?"
"...... 70 and going down -- maybe you should drive"
we are in an intersection. 
I ask him to switch places and he says ok
but he doesn't know what to do
I put the car in park and get out
encourage him to switch places
fortunately the car behind is patient

I hand him candy and drive away
he is quiet

we stop at a liquor store to get beer and wine for dinner
and for him to get a real candy bar

clearly his sugar hasn't reached normal
we leave one store and are on our way to another
he asks for the car keys
and I won't give them to him
he says I am cruel

he is right
he wasn't going to get in the car and drive away
but I was scared

he got his candy bar and I drove us to my mom's
I apologized and he forgave -- even understood
but there was an edge to the rest of the evening

my sister was at my mom's and made dinner
 yummy shrimp quesadillas

the minute we were in the car driving away
Tom was complaining about the food
it had way too many carbs

What????
Well, the corn in the quesadilla, the quacamole, and the rice
huh?
there was hardly any corn in the dish
where is the carb in the quac -- other than in regular salad
and why did you eat the rice?

there was an argument for everything
when he checked his sugar was "over 300"
and he didn't know how to get it down without dropping too low

by the way, he dropped to below 50 last night and we had trouble getting him up

I'm exhausted and feel so frustrated

does he have an eating disorder?
or is he super vigilant about his diabetes?
what's the difference?????

I'm struggling with this tonight.

Really Struggling

Why does life feel so difficult right now?
I can't pinpoint anything
Yes, I know, my dad passed away
but its not like I'm dwelling on that
but now I have a cold
and I'm exhausted all the time
everything just seems so hard
I don't want to get out of bed in the morning

Tom is trying
he is taking care of himself
but me -- I'm not there......

Reading a Book

I am now reading a very interesting book
its about a guy whose mom has been diagnosed with cancer
the diagnosis is grim
but he deals with her treatments and with her dying
I wonder how I would have felt reading this while I was going through it with my dad
but now, I'm finding it very poignant
if anyone is interested, I am only a quarter way through
but recommend it and wonder how others will react to it

its called:   The End of your Life Book Club
and its by:  Will Schwalbe

Once in a Lifetime!

As you know, I have been struggling
the loss of my dad has hit me so hard
and yet I go on -- one day at a time

And, you know that I have 4 sisters
sometimes loving -- sometimes needing lots of space

So here is the story
my sister that I'm closest with
called me and said -- we have to go to Florida
we need sun and warm
get away from cold and clouds

Fort Lauderdale?
my favorite city?
ok, I'm there

then she talked to sister #2
they wanted to go to Orlando - Disneyworld
think it will be fun and less expensive
AND, have a niece there

ok, lets go

turns out sister #3 is there visiting her daughter
so off we go

4 of the 5 sisters aged 56 (me) to 62 (one with the daughter in Orlando)
all together
we spent an entire day together going through Disney parks

we have never spent a day having fun together like that
it was amazing

honestly I can't say it was "fun"
I'm not such a Disney person
lots of walking and waiting
but I'm so appreciative of the "moment"
sorry the last sister couldn't be there
found the entire thing poignant

I got home exhausted
happy to see Tom
happy to be home
think I'll sleep through the weekend