MORE bad news

I don't know how I am supposed to deal with life right now
yesterday my dog died
Friday night she was literally screaming in pain
it was awful

my heart just hurts

I am trying to just breathe
at moments its hard to do that.....

Baad Evening!

Poor Tom -- feeling like he has no control of his sugar!
Poor me -- feeling like she has no control over anything!

Late afternoon -- we agree to go to the grocery store and then my mom's for dinner
At the grocery store, I notice he is very grumpy -- not so like him

we get in the car to drive away, and it hits me
"Tom, what does your monitor say?"
"...... 70 and going down -- maybe you should drive"
we are in an intersection. 
I ask him to switch places and he says ok
but he doesn't know what to do
I put the car in park and get out
encourage him to switch places
fortunately the car behind is patient

I hand him candy and drive away
he is quiet

we stop at a liquor store to get beer and wine for dinner
and for him to get a real candy bar

clearly his sugar hasn't reached normal
we leave one store and are on our way to another
he asks for the car keys
and I won't give them to him
he says I am cruel

he is right
he wasn't going to get in the car and drive away
but I was scared

he got his candy bar and I drove us to my mom's
I apologized and he forgave -- even understood
but there was an edge to the rest of the evening

my sister was at my mom's and made dinner
 yummy shrimp quesadillas

the minute we were in the car driving away
Tom was complaining about the food
it had way too many carbs

What????
Well, the corn in the quesadilla, the quacamole, and the rice
huh?
there was hardly any corn in the dish
where is the carb in the quac -- other than in regular salad
and why did you eat the rice?

there was an argument for everything
when he checked his sugar was "over 300"
and he didn't know how to get it down without dropping too low

by the way, he dropped to below 50 last night and we had trouble getting him up

I'm exhausted and feel so frustrated

does he have an eating disorder?
or is he super vigilant about his diabetes?
what's the difference?????

I'm struggling with this tonight.

Really Struggling

Why does life feel so difficult right now?
I can't pinpoint anything
Yes, I know, my dad passed away
but its not like I'm dwelling on that
but now I have a cold
and I'm exhausted all the time
everything just seems so hard
I don't want to get out of bed in the morning

Tom is trying
he is taking care of himself
but me -- I'm not there......

Reading a Book

I am now reading a very interesting book
its about a guy whose mom has been diagnosed with cancer
the diagnosis is grim
but he deals with her treatments and with her dying
I wonder how I would have felt reading this while I was going through it with my dad
but now, I'm finding it very poignant
if anyone is interested, I am only a quarter way through
but recommend it and wonder how others will react to it

its called:   The End of your Life Book Club
and its by:  Will Schwalbe

Once in a Lifetime!

As you know, I have been struggling
the loss of my dad has hit me so hard
and yet I go on -- one day at a time

And, you know that I have 4 sisters
sometimes loving -- sometimes needing lots of space

So here is the story
my sister that I'm closest with
called me and said -- we have to go to Florida
we need sun and warm
get away from cold and clouds

Fort Lauderdale?
my favorite city?
ok, I'm there

then she talked to sister #2
they wanted to go to Orlando - Disneyworld
think it will be fun and less expensive
AND, have a niece there

ok, lets go

turns out sister #3 is there visiting her daughter
so off we go

4 of the 5 sisters aged 56 (me) to 62 (one with the daughter in Orlando)
all together
we spent an entire day together going through Disney parks

we have never spent a day having fun together like that
it was amazing

honestly I can't say it was "fun"
I'm not such a Disney person
lots of walking and waiting
but I'm so appreciative of the "moment"
sorry the last sister couldn't be there
found the entire thing poignant

I got home exhausted
happy to see Tom
happy to be home
think I'll sleep through the weekend

Struggling to Write

I have thought many times recently of writing.
but don't know where to start.

Life has been very interesting
I miss my dad SO MUCH!
My mom is a rock and someone I admire more than ever
work is going better than expected
Tom -- well we had a little scare with a bad test - but it resolved itself and he is fine
a cousin was just diagnosed with a brain tumor and the prognosis is quite grim

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster
good stuff, bad stuff
maybe its related to weather
freezing cold with sleet
then bright sunny skies almost 60 degrees!

I'm too old for these swings
or something
its scary

I noted something in Lilly's blog about how other people judge
I remember so clearly thinking to myself (many years ago)...
How can I leave him because he is ill?
what would people think?
what would I think?
such a horrible judgement...
leave someone due to illness?
we as a society just don't comprehend
with all of the talk about mental illness and guns in the media
we still just don't understand so much
there are many medical issues that impact behavior
what is the cause and effect?
just because our medical industry can't pinpoint the stuff, does that mean it doesn't exist
or that it is something other than real?

See?  I start thinking too much
and now I'm exhausted
really
I just want to sleep
lots of sleep
I'm overwhelmed with too much to think about

maybe its my mental illness?

A Broken Heart

My heart is broken.
As if it were not bad enough that my dad passed away a week ago
the tragedies don't seem to stop

my uncle visiting for the funeral was rushed to the hospital for internal bleeding over the weekend
my cousin was taken into emergency surgery the same day as the funeral for a mass on her brain -- no conclusions yet, but the prognosis is not good
Tom's sister may be in a severe medical condition -- undiagnosed at this time -- out of work for a month so far and probably at least another month to go -- we get information from his mom so its vague

What else is going to happen?
How many challenges can we face at once?

This is heartache I have never experienced

Thank goodness Tom is doing ok
I just couldn't bear it if he were to have a medical issue right now

Each moment, I feel a clench in the belly and say to myself
breathe --  in another minute, the panic will go away

I look at my mom, the amazing person that she is
she says, all you can do is go on....
one step at a time, one day at a time
I need to learn from her
but what other choice do we have?

breathe
make dinner
write in my journal
read a book
work
sleep
(in no particular order)
repeat

sigh..............