Soy

DW -- good luck with the percocet -- it sounds like as long as he is on it you are good, then again? ....

Tom has decided that "during the week" he is eating soy, on the weekends he is not.
what does that mean? I have no idea

Do I need to start cooking with soy?

I have to tell you I'm more of an old-time protein type of person -- fish, chicken, occasional red-meat burger and steak -- Pasta with a rich tomato sauce and parmigiana cheese is great too.

Now I need to figure out how to prepare soy products? I'm not sure I'm there.

Random Thoughts - January 2010

DW - I wish we had met in the Vegas airport - its almost like I know you already

As I was lying in bed this morning waking up slowly, I was listening to the sounds of morning.
the beautiful silence of the house
the distant swish of an occasional car driving by
the scratching of a creature in the attic (ick!)
and the buzzing of Tom's monitor

I have no idea what the buzzing meant -- is he high? low? just needs to take a test? is the monitor not reading correctly? the monitor is under his pillow and I cannot get to it.

So I had to leave bed. Which is fine. I am trying to feel ok about it.
While DW's husband struggles with constant 300's, Tom struggles (or pushes it?) to stay below 100. The problem there is going too low.

But in truth, Tom's health is not all-absorbing right now. I have a lot going on.

My job is always difficult, I like being challenged, but for the past 9 or 10 months, it has become especially stressful. My boss has become a maniac and I am finding it increasingly difficult to be enthusiastic about going to work. My career has always been important to me and I like working - but this is really hard. After taking last week off (vacation) going back next week will be difficult.

I can't find my engagement ring! Its not like its any super fancy thing - just a small diamond in a 14k setting, but its my engagement ring. last I remember, I had it on my trip, -- and no I didn't gamble it away -- I'm not much of a gambler -- in 2 1/2 days, I only gambled about $100. I think I had it when I got home, but it was 3 am and I was very tired. I'm really sad.

My family is being annoying right now. I think I have said it here before, when you have a big family and they have kids and spouses, it gets complicated and priorities are all over the board. The bottom line is that its probably me. To my mind, when you have a big group, the smart thing to do is to be as flexible as possible so as many people as possible can get what they want. and I don't understand pure selfishness. But some people (even people I grew up with!) are just selfish. One example -- and this doesn't matter but its an example -- is that for my dad's 85th birthday. Instead of all of us being together for one dinner, he has to go to three separate birthday meals! Of course, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but isn't it kind of dumb? when the reason is not about what's best for dad, but what's best for the other family members.

Finally, the really good thing in my life right now, is that we have been re-doing my kitchen and family room. Its been in the planning (at least in my mind) for 6 years and we are within a week of having it completed. I absolutely love it. Its amazing that what I envisioned has actually occurred before my eyes! My "design" was pretty bold considering the neighborhood and the basic style of the house. But I don't plan on moving out of this house until they carry me out. (Yes, I read DW's blog regularly and can only believe that if Tom goes down that path that it is far in the future!) (By the way, the way he drives, I think he is much more likely to die of a car crash )

Anyway, back to the kitchen, Tom doesn't like it when I describe it this way, but I describe the new kitchen and family room as yellow -- a very warm yellow -- a very warm creamy yellow. The cabinets in the kitchen are maple and the furniture in the family room is teak. the walls are a very creamy white. its not a gigantic room but its long. There are a lot of windows and very few upper cabinets so the walls do not feel like they are coming in on you. There is only one design element that did not get changed that I would like to do some day and that is the fire place mantle. That is still ugly to me. But considering all that we have done and the few things yet to do (a new flat screen tv, some art work for the wall) that will wait -- and we may never do it its not terrible. Even the tv and art work -- there is no rush.

I have really enjoyed putting the kitchen together -- I did almost all of the design myself. There were a few elements I couldn't figure out and needed help of a designer (to figure out placement of the refrigerator and exactly how all of the cabinets would work out). But the designer then found me the most wonderful contractor. (Never thought I would say that!) So I am a happy camper.

So, starting in February, I will be cooking and having people over for dinners! The challenge for me will be figuring out how to put together guest lists of a small group of people at a time so I can make it manageable for me on a weekend and have a good group. I am psyched about it. That will be very fun for me! I love to cook - it is very distracting for me. As long as I don't do it every day. And Tom likes to entertain also. He helps a lot and takes care of himself (mostly) when we are doing something like that. So it is something to look forward to.

And now I must actually start my day. writing this morning has been good. Tom is still in bed. I am not going up. (Yes, I'm worried. But I'm not going up) He has to take care of himself. That is what the monitor is for.

Have a good day.

Husbands!

DW: thank you for the interesting test regarding glycemic index readings. Tom and I went through it together and we were both wrong on most of the questions. Of course, while I found that interesting, he got angry.

On to the category of his doctor's results. I'm not sure there is anything much more aggravating than trying to figure out how to help them with their medical care when they won't tell you the truth. I've said this before and I'll say it again. They say its their disease and they don't want or need your help. They will take care of themselves. But when they pass out or drive crazy or can't walk or have organ failure -- who is there is to take care of them? We are the ones who have to figure out what to do!

So, yes, it is important to understand what's going on. I recall a nurse asking me once what dose of insulin he takes. Of course I had no idea. She was furious at me. "How can you not know? Don't you know? .... " Well, you know the rest.

So when I read DW's post about her husband's latest doctor's visits. I know the story. Been there, done that. All I can say, is that I'm sorry, I know how it feels and I hear your anger. Frankly, its crappy. But then again, we know that there is nothing we can do about it. We hate it, but we deal with it. You with your art, me with my disappearing act. I'll go away for a few days, and I'll feel better. Then I'll come back and be ok until the next time.

Good luck. I'm with you.

Tom's Wife.

The Flu

A very nasty stomach flu bug hit us this week. First me for two days and then Tom for two days. It was totally debilitating!

The year is starting off very mixed.

I am struggling to force myself to go to work each day. I'm sure it's me - but I am taking offense at just about everything my boss says to me lately. Its probably no different than things he has said before, but for some reason lately they sound different. The enormous amount of work that in the past I sometimes found challenging now feels impossible and I feel taken for granted. I need to figure out how to change my attitude.

I'm glad the holidays are over; they are always too much for me.

My family stuff is good. For the past two months, everyone has been caught up in their own plans and holiday stuff and have pretty much left Tom and me alone. That's been good. I talked with them when I wanted and didn't when I didn't have to. Now we are coming into birthday season. And its a year with quite a few "decade" birthdays -- an 85, 80, a couple of 60's, and a 50.

So then the big discussion becomes: how many "occasions" do we have? Depends on who you ask. Long story short. The next few months could get a little intense but we will see. May will be the big month -- with three weekends in a row now planned. sigh. we will see how that works out.

Tom and I have been doing some remodeling and that has been going very well - I am really happy with that.

I am taking a couple of days in Vegas with my sister next weekend -- not much of a gambler but its a fun place to visit. And I'm taking the entire week off of work so that will be good. However, I have had quite a lot of time off lately, and all its really done is make me realize that I don't like working very much right now. (I went right back there didn't I?)

So that's where I stand right now

Tom's Wife

Yes, Of Course, It is Sad

Those of us who write and read and relate to these blogs understand the shock of others who read and feel repulsed. We too feel badly about all of these issues -- of course that is why we are writing here. Like many parts of life, we have to live with the ugly side of things and it helps us to write about it here. If some people haven't seen these issues then we truly are happy for them. But we had no idea that in our thirties we would start nursing, parenting, coaching, counseling, researching, and trying to be a mind reader to our spouse. we also didn't expect we had to give up sex at such a young age.

So why would strangers who happened to read a single blog start attacking the blog?
DW reports that she has deleted many responses. She says its funny, but I imagine there is a little hurt also. She is already dealing with so much why would others judge her? they don't know what it's like to be in her shoes. What she deals with is sad. the way these people responded is sadder.

I would hope that this year people will be more understanding of others'

Tom's Wife

Being Mean and Judgmental on the Internet

I just finished reading DW's blog and would like to offer a few thoughts:

1) DW - you have many supporters who agree with you. they know what it is like to live with someone who literally can't live without them. they see that the emails you received (and didn't publish) were just mean!

2) Personally, I find it sad that other people chose to use their time being so judgmental (of you -- and therefore me and all of your other readers) when clearly they just don't know what the specific circumstances are. For instance, Tom is type 1 and tries to be compliant. He is on a pump and monitor. But can that explain how it is that yesterday, as we went shopping in the morning his glucose dropped to 37; and his solution was to eat M&M's? When I tried to encourage him to eat a real meal, to get his glucose stablized, he started arguing with me that a carb is a carb and I should leave him alone. He wanted to drive the car. He was terribly angry and his bad mood persisted all day even after he did finally get a consistent reading around 97. I wonder if the people who were angry at you have lived through the terror of being in that car going 80 miles an hour on the expressway by a person who doesn't know what he is doing and is crazed with anger brought on by the disease. Do these people have any sympathy for what this does to you/us -- not because you feel that you, yourself, are in danger. But that this man you have loved for so many years is no longer that man and that he is putting so many other people in danger. Can such hurtful people even understand that for a single minute?

3) these people are entitled to their own opinions -- but I don't have to like their opinions. Before I found DW's blog, I scoured the internet looking for information and resources to help me. I thought I was the only wife on the face of the earth experiencing the issues I faced with my diabetic husband. It has been a true miracle to me to know that there are others like me. Others who panic and cry and worry and get scared and just don't know what to do at 2 am when there just is no one else out there. And yes, we worry all the time that we are "bad" people. But you know what? we are NOT "bad" we are human -- we are not sinking into any great depression -- although if we were, who could blame us?? Our husbands are sick! they need us to save their lives! And pompous self righteous people in the world -- and on the internet -- read our blogs and judge us and think we are wrong! But guess what? we aren't wrong, we just are!

4) I no longer read nor look for other sources of information to support me. I think about trying to find ways to help other spouses -- by the way they are in no way only wives -- but frankly I get defeated by these nasty attacks. then I get angry -- who are these people that they should stop us from helping each other?

NOW I'M ON A ROLL!

Frankly, I think the major diabetic support organizations should be out there supporting families of diabetics in a real way -- not just providing instructions on how to read glucose meters and inject insulin -- but dealing with the realities of long term diabetes and what it does to the person with the disease and their families. Because I really could be wrong, but I truly wonder what its like to live with someone who is "perfectly" in control of the disease. I mean, really, as bad as it is to live with someone out of control, do I really want to live with a smug, self-aggrandizing perfectionist who controls the disease and brags about it to everyone who will listen?

OK, that may have been a bit over the top, but too bad!

DW, keep up the good work, and know that a bunch of us are right behind you.

Tom's Wife

Note to Young Husband

So sad,
I feel horrible for Gregory and I feel horrible for each of us
As we go through our days, trying to cope with everything in life
the stuff that "normal" people deal with
the weather, our jobs, our families, our weight, our other bad habits
then on top of it all, we had the extra challenge of falling in love with a diabetic
when we were "young" (whatever that means) we had no clue what it would mean
one of the thoughts that flashed through my mind as I was reading Gregory's post was that I remember those days
and then I thought: oh, you are so young, wait until you have been married 20 years!
then I caught myself -- I would have hated it when people say that to me!

But sometimes, I feel so old, and the coping process feels so old,
it has been so many years of asking for promises, wishing for change, hoping for a miracle
But it never happens, and I'm disappointed again
some times its not just my creaky bones that make it hard to get up in the morning
its the challenge of waking up and trying to believe in him again just to be disappointed again

it goes back to dw's question -- do you stay or do you leave?
we stay, we come to these sites and maybe we whine a little
it helps us blow off steam with others who understand us
and then we go back and do it all again

here is wishing all of you another day of hoping

Tom's wife