Labor Day 2010

This Labor Day I am grateful for so much in my life
At the same time my heart breaks for others who are not as fortunate as I
Yet, there are the day to day challenges of life -- especially life with a diabetic -- that just depletes me - even if I don't want it to be that way!
Worst of all, when I compare my "troubles" to others, mine pale -- my life is "easy"
I should stop "whining" -- I have so much --

My diabetic husband shows all of the same signs as the others
He yells at me, he talks crazy, he starts flailing around at 2 in the morning, waking me up so I can get him some sugar then making it almost impossible to get him to take it!
But he tries to eat well and he tests often and tries to keep his glucose low
But its such an awful disease!
How is a person supposed to do what a body (pancreas) does automatically?
Some days are just too much! right?

Then there is my job.
I love the fact that I have come so far in my career -- I never dreamed I would do so well
just taking one step after the other
I really remember the days of counting every single penny coming in the door
wondering how I would pay for peanut butter to get me through the next week
20 years later, it still amazes me that I don't have to do that anymore
but don't misunderstand
we still live as if we do
we squirrel away what some would consider "a lot of money" from each paycheck
because (1) we are both afraid that the money will stop some day and (2) we are both worried that some day Tom's medical bills will be enormous and we will not have the money to pay for them. Neither of us wants to think of him being in need of special care and not being able to pay for it. We both know that I am not a nurse -- especially when I read about the care that other women give to their husbands. I just KNOW that I couldn't do that!

Maybe its why I never had kids, maybe its because I'm too selfish. Tom says its just because I'm realistic and understand my priorities in life and he supports my focus on my career, rather than him or kids. That's how he sees it. When I'm in a good place, I can see that; when I'm in a sad place, its another story. then all I see is how lacking I am. How I am not a good person. That I am selfish and just care about taking care of myself.

Today I am having one of those days. I am feeling like everyone else has a more difficult life than me and it is not nice of me to complain.

I'm not much of a person who hugs others; but if ever a person needed a hug, its our friend Wife of a Diabetic. What she writes on her blog just tears me up. I can imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes. In my case, Tom has only offered me glimpses of what she has to bear on an hourly-daily basis.

Someone else wrote what I think so many of us think: How can I leave a man who is "just sick" After all, its not his "fault" Yeah, but its not our fault either, and we had no idea what we were getting when we got married.

then again, women marry men who do other things that they didn't expect.
I once knew a women whose husband had an addiction to on-line porn.
She didn't learn about it until her 5-year old son caught him
hubby wouldn't/couldn't give it up
they got divorced

Is that different? Should it be different? Yes, we can evaluate... but in both cases, the woman's life and that of her children were turned upside down

None of us is perfect
neither are the men we marry

I think of Labor Day and how much time is spent working
working at something we get paid to do
and working at so much more than money can pay for
that is the life of a diabetic's wife
and at the end of the day
what is it that we would really choose to do?

I have no answers, not today, today is just too hard.....