Steady as she goes...

TX DW wrote..

Oh my gosh...I have been there more times than I want to remember...but you seem a little calmer than I usually am...however...you want to know how this slips into everyday life...how low is too low...how can you not feel something...



Yes, well "calm" is somewhat of an illusion.  Am I calm or am I just waiting for the next time? 
she also wrote...

We just wait and get the juice...after the episode the DH has no idea what the heck you ar talking about...they look at you like you are crazy...sometimes it just makes it all too much...I feel somewhat better to know someone out there understands as some family members seem to think that I may embellish. And when can a true discussion begin regarding the mental impact of this horrible disease. 

My family is a mixture of reactions.  Some want to help fix the problem.  -- well you and I know that there is only one person who can do that - Tom.  Until he is ready to really figure it out then no one else can do it.  I am hoping that the meeting with the dietician will help.  I also told him about some of the things I have read on the american diabetes association website recently.  He said he would look at it.  (not sure I believe that -- but we will see)  The dietician is next week.


surprisingly, my mom has been most supportive == rather than try to fix things she has become a good listener and sympathizer.  Traditionally this has not been her role in life -- so you never know.

Then again, it took me years before I even told anyone about Tom's challenges with the disease.  so some of this is still relatively new to them.  I've been dealing with it for over 25 years (he of course has had it for more than 40). 

But life goes on (we hope) and take it one day at a time -- its all we have.

Good luck to everyone else --  Hopefully this was a good Memorial Day weekend for you....

Back to Normal - Is that Good?

So life has resumed to normal....
Tom kept me posted about his whereabouts for all of three days
on the other hand, we (he) have kept up keeping his food journal
its not very detailed -- but at least its a start

and, I think he averages at least three glucose readings below 50 per week
yesterday morning was another "crisis level" event
I woke up and "knew"
I ignored it for a few minutes -- just didn't want to deal
but it was 8 am so I turned over and looked at him
the sheets were soaking wet
and he was thrashing around - fighting his demons
so - calmly now - I got some glucose into him
waited 15 minutes and tested his sugar
40 --
6 oz of cranberry juice then another 15 minutes
another glucose test - another 45 reading
another 6 oz of cranberry juice and another 15 minute wait
The entire time he is talking crazy and flailing around
but he no longer hits out at me

So -- long story short -- our day was delayed by an hour
and his body took another hit (my opinion)
I wonder if its sort of like a punch to the organs
and my heart/nerves took one too

but today is "normal" again

this is our life...

Food Log

so here is what we are doing now...
we downloaded an app to his phone so he could log his food each day
not going to work -- he thinks its too much work
so each night I ask him what he eats and he tells me and I write it down on a pad
I am amazed at how little and how infrequently he eats
he gets up and drives to work at 5:30 am
when he gets to work he eats a breakfast bar
at 11:30 he eats a salad with balsamic dressing
when he gets home he has dinner -- that could be anywhere between 6:30 and 8 pm
he leaves work around 5 pm and IF
he recognizes that he is low on the drive home he will eat -- get this!
chocolate candy

I didn't know any of this until Monday when I started writing this down
I try to make good dinners
protein and veggies -- since he pretty much refuses to each carbs (no potatoes, no rice, etc)
and even with veggies he is fairly picky)
and then he drinks what he calls one glass of wine but is really 8 ounces
at around 10 pm

I just don't think this is a good diet for a diabetic
but when I asked him -- he strongly believes in it

we will leave this up the dietician in June
in the meantime we shall see what happens
and life goes on....

Calming Down

Thanks everyone for your nice comments
it has been such a difficult couple of weeks

and yet it was a great life lesson
Clearly, my life without Tom is just not worth considering
but also I have to figure out a way to wait longer before panicking
he needs to live his life without reporting in to me every five minutes
and I can't spend my time worrying (panicking)

but Tom is going out of his way to keep me informed of his whereabouts right now
that is really nice
but it won't last forever

we shall see what comes next

The Day After

Last night, I truly thought Tom was gone
that I would never see him again
I went nuts
in a total panic
really faced the tragedy of his death
I couldn't deal with it!

I totally fell apart

today, I still feel awful - but better that Tom is ok
but I'm also thinking better

our conversations about how to help him have always focused on insulin
rather than food

I think he needs to keep a food diary so we can have a better understanding
of exactly what he is (or is not) eating each day

when we meet with the dietician in June she can evaluate how well he is doing

i read today that a man should eat between 50 and 60 grams of carbs in a meal
Tom thinks that is way too high

I made a very healthy dinner of shrimp, veggies and rice
he pushed the rice aside and wouldn't eat it
I am no position to argue with him
he is in great health (for a non-diabetic)
his weight is good, his heart, blood pressure, etc are all good
at least according to the doctor's tests
but you and I know ...
well, enough of that..

we are going to try to put an app on his phone
but he is un-enthusiastic
thinks it is too much work
I will have to try to help
wish me luck

3 hours of panic later

Once I figured out that he had to be dead
since there is no way he would just not be home by 9 pm
that is just not Tom

I called my sister in a panic
and she came over to be with me
just when she was arriving
he showed up
!!!
he had one to one of those networking dinners!
he thought he told me
I have absolutely no memory of it at all
and still why did he not answer his cell phone all night?

I was totally convinced that I was never going to see him again!
That was a devastating thought!
what would I do without him?

its very sobering!

for all my whining over the years
life without him is simply not worth contemplating

now he is home and I am trying to calm down
I don't know how long before I'll be able to sleep

sigh -- I didn't need this right now..

who said life would be easy?

Pins and Needles

Its happening again
He is not home and I don't know where he is
he is not answering his cell phone
it is certainly possible that everything is fine and he just can't hear his phone
but with everything that has happened lately
I am so scared

so here I sit in fear
what will tonight bring?

There is more...

I think I posted a few months ago that Tom had a car accident...
It seemed at the time that we made it through without too much damage
well, he just took his car in for an air conditioning fluid refill and
they found more damage
something iis leaking and he needs a new car
I don't know where the money will come from
I'm right at the point of trying to launch my new business
and all of our "savings" have been promised to developers and sw licenses and lawyers

when I try to talk to him about going low so often (it happened again the last two nights)
he said "you should have just let me die" -- he is not being mean - just sad

and, he did get a suggested change in his insulin from his "old" doctor just last week
he didn't stop seeing her since it takes so long to see the new doc

I don't know how to advise him, when I suggest he call the old doctor, he shrugs and says what can she do?  Well, how do I know? 

I'm starting to cry more and feel so much pressure....
Its hard to concentrate on my work -- and that's what I really need to do

Congratulations to Mike

Mike, Best Wishes to you on your next venture
You are a great writer and a compassionate voice in this crazy "D-world"
hopefully you will continue to check in on my world from time to time and offer some of your sage advice
I will start to look at Diabetes Mine (if I can fine it)
best....

Trying to Write...

I have tried to write several times - but deleted what I wrote

feeling like it didn't express what I was feeling adequately
feeling -- troubled

Challenging but so different than others
I have to work hard to not judge myself
it seems like I have it better
so I shouldn't complaint
but honestly, I have been struggling a lot
with my own depression
which is a serious illness
I have been in trouble with it before

anyway, that is not what this is about..

I am challenged by Tom's problems

He is having serious lows multiple times per week
I would appreciate advice on this if anyone has some

his new meter is giving us reports now -- if I ask to see it
the last report showed that he fell below 39 4 times in a week between 5:30 and 7 pm
just like I thought -- but he wasn't sure -  and he still doesn't seem to be as worried as I do about it
he continues to feel more concerned about going up to 250 the same number of times in the same week

when I argue that he isn't going to die at 250 he says that he'll go blind or lose his kidneys and that's just as bad

I came home Saturday night from a family thing and he was so low I thought he was dead already
he was so close!  I needed to get a nurse-neighbor to help me bring him back around.  Very scary! 

He has agreed to go to a new doctor and I am permitted to go to this doctor with him.
this new doctor is at one of the best institutions in the country and one of the best docs in the country (at least according to her press)  but we can't get in for 3 months -- so we shall see,,,

in the meantime, we go along day by day
and I worry about my friends on this blog and hope that you are getting along ok
Lilly, there are certainly benefits to your camper -- but its not nice getting "kicked" out of your home
DW, I am glad that you are getting some peace in your life -- stay true to yourself, you will be ok

We haven't heard from some of the others lately, but I pray that they are doing better also.

I am not re-reading this,,, I am just sending it
hope it is ok...